I don’t usually talk publicly about my weaker moments.
When you work in the self-help industry, everyone expects you to talk about the positive things in life: success, money, happiness, popularity, beauty, love… Well, I don’t know about you, but my life certainly isn’t always sunshine and rainbows.
No-one talks about feeling alone and loneliness enough. Everyone talks about success, money, popularity, beauty, fun…
But what about those moments when we go back to our bedroom, close the door, and feel like no-one in the world understands the struggle we’re going through. We have so much fear of revealing our naked, scared, suffering selves at times that we feel like it’s not valid to talk about our feelings of being alone.
Well, not today.
This may be one of the most personal videos I’ve ever done, but it’s also one of the most important…
Whatever you’re going through right now, I want you to know that someone is listening.
Please leave a comment on the video and share your thoughts with others so that they know someone else is going through the same as them.
I actually listen to your videos at night when I’m in my room alone, because they are warm and comforting and help me feel less alone – even though they are about relationship issues that are not relevant to me at the moment.
I stop feeling lonely when I am working on a project and working toward a goal – especially as I am usually with other people who are doing the same thing. So I was happy when I was at University doing my law degree – then the friendships fizzled out when there was nothing to hold us together any more.
So I did my practical legal training (a pre-requisite to practicing law in Australia) and it was very satisfying because the course involved working with other students. But when it finished I was in the same boat – alone again and I felt it.
So I became involved with a theatre group, made friends, loved the whole process but after all the performances were finished, the same thing happened. These were local people, so I made the effort to arrange get togethers and meet up with fellow theatre people for a trip to the movies and coffee afterwards etc, but while it helped, it lacked something.
Volunteer work helped. But thats only one morning a week. And yes – I have a very good job offer as a lawyer, but I don’t feel confident that I would be good enough so I’m stressing over what to do about that offer. To be honest, I think I would be happy working at K-Mart or Target – with a job that wouldn’t be stressful.
I do appreciate all your videos Matthew. And I’m very curious as to who Jameson is in the flesh. He’s a bit like Charlie in Charlie’s Angels – a figure who we will never get to see.
This is great I actually fee similar. When I am with friends or focusing on work or my painting I ignore the loneliness because I am distracted but I want to think of it as not being distracted but on the other apectrum. As if focusing on myself is the reality and feeling lonely is just a feeling I don’t need and am creating myself.
Helena I read your comment and it brought me comfort to know that there is a fellow legal eagle out there that experiences the same. I think that the legal profession in itself can be alienating. I am in my penultimate year in South Africa currently working in a legal aid clinic (compulsory for 4th years). Class and clinic work with my fellow students is the same. Temporary pleasantness – coupled with a number of stress heads.
Thank you for your comment I enjoyed reading it.
Hey Matt I met you a couple times at the drycleaners I used to work at. I just wanted to say THANK YOU for this video! It really touched me and you couldn’t have uploaded it a better time!
I just watched your video about loneliness and it couldn’t have came at a better time! Loneliness has always been my biggest fear. Everybody promised me that I’d never be alone…but my kids grew up, they live in different states,have their own lives,etc, and my husband also left me! I’m divorced,single,no friends,can’t work,I’m disabled,very little family around and they don’t understand or seem to care! So I’m experiencing all of the types of loneliness that you described. Thank you for posting that!
Hey Matt – this video nearly made me cry! It is such an important message that you are conveing. I also feel, that a lot of people feel lonely but maybe feel ashamed to talk about it. I noticed it when I talked with friends about certain things that they felt alone with or the other way around and showed them that they/I was not alone with it, we connected on a deeper leverl and our relationship got stronger! So I think its sooo very important to not be ashamed of talking about the things you are afraid of or sad about or you feel lonely with!! Don’t hide your feelings! I am still working on that too, but everytime I really open up to that and allow to express what I really feel (may it be loneliness or whatever) it makes me feel great! I definitely agree with you on the fact, that we sould be a lot kinder to each other and smile more often at each other – the world needs us to be more like that! Thank you again Matt for being so open and sharing your feelings – I’m sure it helped so many people out there! You are amazing!!! Much love, Franziska
Alone is a choice for me… and has been for almost twenty years. But I watch your vids so that when I choose to no longer be alone, I will have the right frame of mind to go forward with.
Having said that, loneliness is something that I face also. On very rare occasions. And being that I am an introvert, it is an odd, bewildering sensation.
Thank you for showing us, and being with us, on the dark side of the learning curve, as well. Your messages help, and I know that this one will reach some ultra tender hearts out there.
Stay strong. Keep on. Thank you.
I wonder if people in today’s society are lonelier than in the past. As Matthew said, there is a whole lot of technology out now for people to show the world how many friends they have but everyone is so busy posting online sometimes, the people they are with are ignored. I have noticed people using their phones as a means of avoiding eye contact and therefore conversation. I also think that the feeling of lonliness is caused by our own expectations of ourselves and others. It is a matter of changing our own head scripts and acknowledging that other people feel the same thing is a start to doing that.
I think it’s important to realise that being in a relationship that has problems can feel terribly lonely. I had a really happy relationship end recently, but there was one issue that would have driven us apart and created resentment if it hadn’t ended. That would have made me feel more lonely than the sadness I feel now. At least now I know I am missed and that I was very much cared for. It’s Mothers’ Day today and I am so lucky to be spending it with my amazing family and brother’s girlfriend.
Thank you for sharing your message. We need to be more open about these feelings and the truth that no one has the perfect life despite what their social media tells us. That way we feel less like failures when things don’t go to plan.
Hi Matt,
Really lovely video, it’s great to hear things straight from the heart. I truly hope you continue with more like them.
I live in Singapore and find it very isolating and lonely here. Cultural divides, language barriers and the like make dating or even making true friends difficult.
I’ve been here for 1.5 years and since the honeymoon period faded – the feeling of awe at living in such a different place – so did my feeling of connectedness with anyone around me.
It helps to remember that through the different cultures, languages, customs, climate, and continents, everyone has the same issues.
I learned there’s a term for that – it’s called “sonder” : (n) the realization that every passerby has a life as vivid and complex as your own.
Thanks again for your unedited monologue.
Wow, I never comment at things, but this was wonderfull. So beautifull that you decided to share this. Last night I was already thinking why nobody ever expresses this phenomonem. I am an artist and lot’s, and I am richfriended on social media and so grathefull. But I also believe that these same social mediasites creates a bit of distance between people. I notice this when it comes to dating. After many years Im now sort of in dating modus. But I was shocked. Because when I was younger guys had to call you in order to ask you out, so they had to communicate. Friends had to call you. Its easier for expressing yourself and for really noticing how someone is really feeling. Now it seems if people get scared to have personal contact in that way.
I am really happy about the way you make your video’s. I accidently saw one of your video. And I was really impressed. But what I missed in the advices was the element of loneliness. When a person has a flakey moment they have no idea what that does to another person. It’s not just that you looked forward for that apointment, but you spent your energy on getting ready for it. Your whole focus is on that night. Maybe it’s even your only free night.If your a person who always treat’s people with respect and kindness and who does whatever you can to live up to all your apointments. Then it is very dissapointing that someone you care for,and for whom you’ ve spent effort, doesn’ t value you the same.it’ s hurtfull and totally disrespectful and in the end it also creates that feeling of loneliness. This happened to me when my mom died.Most of the time it is not the intention of the other person to make you feel that way. But it does happen. And then most advice from datingexperts is don’t express that hurt or sadness cause it will make the other person feel guilty and they will asociate with it a negative feeling and therefore they might run.. But it’s part of you and your personality. Those feelings and what behaviour caused it needs to be adressed. It’s important else your partner or soon to be partner is not able to see YOU!!! But before you do that, first selfreflect, why did this happen what is the true meaning behind it? And what was your own part in it? Then you are more able to see the colours in the situation and to talk bout your experience. Know that it is just an experience. It is important that you adress it. Cause it’s part of YOUr feelings. If we don’t share us then the other is not able to SEE us. And might fall in love with someone else thinking that that someone is you. Which can also feel incredibly lonely. I’ m that a person like Matthew helps people to communicate those feelings in a brightfull way. Thank you for you!
Hey Matthew,
Raw but beautiful video!!!
Shared it with some friends who have been feeling lonely. Yes, we are not alone but we are on our own private islands.
I believe in every word you’ve said…
Yes sometimes I feel like the ultimate clique feeling lonely and then the cat comes in and we just forget all about it for a minute or two. But having standards and ideals for yourself means risking loneliness. Who knows I’m alone but often I felt lonelier in relationships. Now I have a choice pick myself up and do something. Off for a solitary walk in the woods. It’s okay!
Couldn’t believe that this was in my inbox this morning, how apt. Watching this video certainly bought a tear to my eye but gave me a different view on loneliness. I live alone, my two beautiful sons live with their dad so am alone a lot. But that’s great. I have fantastic friends, who are there if I should need them but their company is so very different to having a guy’s company & I don’t mean in the sexual sense !! The whole couples thing, conversation, sitting close, laughing at each other. That’s what I miss & that’s when I feel at my loneliest.
The Dragon-Princess is my favorite prose by Rilke! How he explains that all the dragons in our lives are like princesses in disguise waiting for us to be beautiful and brave. I think one could say this of our solitude as well.
Thank you for this valuable reminder.
I think this video was probably the most honest I have ever seen you, Matthew and I have never related more with any of your other videos (With all due respect I dig your other videos, but this one struck a chord).
I revel in my own company for the most part, but yes, there are times when I feel like nobody gets me. There is so much I want to do for others and people around me listen but they do not how to respond to it. They look at me in wonder/ perplexed even to which I cannot help but chuckle.
Anyway, being on my own has made me self-reliant and I’m self-aware on a whole another level now. I know exactly what makes me happy and what does not, gives me time for introspection. Yes, having to share these ideas and have a discussion about these things with someone (which I find extremely intimate and precious) would be pretty fantastic!
Lastly, I truly commend you for putting yourself out there and be transparent and forthcoming about your inner self, makes you more human, relatable and almost endearing even. I understand that being in the self-help industry it comes with the territory that one needs to put a ‘always-got-my-s#%t’ together front but this is far more inspiring Matthew, so kudos and thank you for making this video!
Amazing. I’ve had a lonely day which has led into a long sleepiness night of feeling the same. I heard my phone ding and was so shocked to see your topic.
After a year of medical problems, I struggle with how alone and secluded its left me. Your talk helped to remind me we’re all in this together. I push myself to events and get back in touch with friends. I miss the enjoyment of someone special in my life.
Your talk was of strange and perfect timing. Thank you for all aspects of closeness you talk about.
I loved the video especially because every one thinks when you are the strength to them , that you don’t have the same feelings , which is not the case ofcourse . but what I think is so strange that most the time when I feel something every one around me or even the whole world feels it too !!! weird ,as if it is something is the air ;!
Hi, Matt! Thank you for taking time to produce this video. I am deeply moved with what you said. Even though I have not met you personally, I felt your compassion and your sincerity to be there in this time of loneliness.
Yes, I agree, often times we are plagued with loneliness and worst scenario, feeling alone to deal with it. Nevertheless, I am so grateful, I have seen this video this morning, sent to my email at 3:02 a.m. You could just tell that I have been in that state of loneliness to the point that it is hard to fall asleep. Being there for us means a great deal to me, and I thank you. Now I can sleep. With much gratitude and love to you and your wonderful thoughtfulness.
Hi,
I feel very lonely as well but it isn’t caused by lack of people in my life, athough in every day life I don’t see a lot of people. I live alone away from my family in another country, very rural and I spend about 80% of my time alone. If I would live in a more populated area I could cover my loneliness up with lots of distraction all on my doorstep. I don’t have that now and it’s all very raw in my face. My loneliness is caused by the pain of infertility. Not being able to love my child, comfort it learn and laugh with it is such a pain in my heart and soul that it creates a huge barrier to connect with other people. I’ve been on this path for 4 years and had miscarriages, and failed ivfs. It’s a difficult and painful journey but I set out to do this and it’s something I completely have to focus on for now. Living daily with the reality of not having a child is translated in me feeling lonely. I think loneliness is mostly caused by deep pain that creates a barrier to connect with other people.
Iris, Have you considered adopting a baby to give your love and nurturing to? :)
Iris,
I wish this internet had hands and arms so I could reach out to you and give you a big hug. I’ve gone through a period of loss over two years which have included miscarriages. It has been so hard to accept that I won’t have a child as well. Just know that you are not alone.
xx
Perhaps one day you will conceive or when your ready you could adopt helping a lonely child fill his or her void of having a loving parent. God bless you iris.
Yes, I went on the lonely IVF journey too. . .now I’m on the adopt a baby journey, pretty much alone.
But I’m happy because I’m fulfilling a lifetlong dream.
I wish you well.
Movie girl–sometimes I love going to the movies by myself. . . have done that quite a few times. I’m not afraid of doing that anymore. . .other people look at your weird, of course I time it just right. . . not going by myself on a friday or saturday night.
To you all –God is with you. You are never alone even when you feel like you are.
first time in my life i leave a comment on the internet..So very interesting video..you also did a video,its been a year or two, on social media about how much we idolize other peoples life on fb and insta,thinking that its absurd that our lives can be boring or lonely at times..its part of life being bored or being lonely and an android takes that human trait out of us ,i think..funny remark by louis ck..https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HbYScltf1c