I don’t usually talk publicly about my weaker moments.
When you work in the self-help industry, everyone expects you to talk about the positive things in life: success, money, happiness, popularity, beauty, love… Well, I don’t know about you, but my life certainly isn’t always sunshine and rainbows.
No-one talks about feeling alone and loneliness enough. Everyone talks about success, money, popularity, beauty, fun…
But what about those moments when we go back to our bedroom, close the door, and feel like no-one in the world understands the struggle we’re going through. We have so much fear of revealing our naked, scared, suffering selves at times that we feel like it’s not valid to talk about our feelings of being alone.
Well, not today.
This may be one of the most personal videos I’ve ever done, but it’s also one of the most important…
Whatever you’re going through right now, I want you to know that someone is listening.
Please leave a comment on the video and share your thoughts with others so that they know someone else is going through the same as them.
Relieved to hear as I’ve been and still experience acute loneliness sometimes out of choice and mostly not. Trying to do something about it but it’s challenging as I’ve physical and well being issues. The loneliness contributes to both as you don’t go out or entertain along with adding to sense of isolation and negative thoughts about who I am as a person. Oddly when people do met me they assume I’ve lots of friends due to how I come across. They couldn’t be more wrong. It’s difficult to make lasting friendships/connections when physical and emotional issues can overwhelm me and them. I think I also put barriers up and I’m learning that boundaries are better option. Really at the end of the day I want true connections, one with myself and with others. How to meet like minded is still a mystery to me. I relate to so many who have posted here and to you Mathew too. Thank you for bringing up this topic as loneliness does kill. I feel like it’s been killing me for years. Please may I keep working towards changing this somehow, have the belie, courage and determination to do so.
Hi Matt,
Thank you for your video today. You were right not to edit. People see that person on stage or that one running things as being popular and never lonely, and the opposite is often the truth.
My loneliness is a choice because the alternative was worse. I walked away from my family when another family member went to the police about abuse Carrie out in my family to the police. And a court case followed and unfortunately I too was a victim. The stress broke my marriage and my husband left me – he couldn’t deal with it, but his leaving was awful timing. I lost everyone that year except my daughter.
Years later, it’s ok. She’s successful, happy and most of all – safe. I was isolated though. No family support, friends disappeared – they didn’t know what to say or do, and some didn’t believe it was so bad or didn’t understand. I lost my inlaws. I am not typical of what the press says is an abused person, and I fear being judged as someone who would hurt anyone else, because they say abusers were abused. Most survivors who go on to live what others consider ‘normal’ lives remain silent, – it’s easier that way. That’s a lot of prejudice to handle for anyone, particularly when rebuilding a life on my own, with a small child to nurture. I did it, and I’m successful and happy, and I appreciate my freedom and safety every day.
Would I do it over? Yes, without a doubt. I may have walked away sooner, but I stayed to protect my siblings who chose not to walk away until the point I had to make a decision, and I miss them. It was their choice to stay.
I have lots of friends now. I had to learn how to make friends without telling them too much. I lost people who would think someone without family was trouble. I now help other lonely people make new friends and I’ve helped a few couples on their way to meeting each other and a few got married.
My daughter lives 4 hours from me, and I miss her so much, but I gave her wings so she could find her own way. Yesterday I told someone I missed her and I received a lecture about letting her go, and couldn’t understand why I was criticised when it was so unjustified. I don’t do Mother’s Day, but I had just been in a shop and the flowers and cards were out. Of course I’m going to miss her. The lady being so harsh was probably judging me by her own standards, and I walked away thinking that I made her day better because she could feel superior to me. She also judged me because I am still single, as if it is some affliction. Being single versus choosing any man to fill lonely evenings is a horrible thing to do to myself and the man concerned, and being attached does not make me a better human being. I am proud of myself, what I have achieved and who I am . I like me.
Sometimes we are more lonely because of the way society portrays it as th last taboo. Thank you for brining this up, because it’s simply human to feel lonely when it’s not a choice. Solitude it when it is a chosen option we take.
I’m lonely today, but it’s not every day.
Hello Matthew. Thank you for this video. You are right. We are not alone. But it is easy to forget in the midst of our loneliness.
Feeling lonely is something that I’ve felt since childhood and somewhat grown accustomed to, yet sometimes feel despair about. I have a better handle on it now in my later adult years but I had periodic depression in my teenage and early 20s. There are a few factors why I’ve grown up feeling depressed and lonely (which I won’t mention here – too long a story), however I will say that one of the reasons was being restricted and not having the ability to express emotions truthfully without fear of punishment.
I think the key to not feel so lonely is to stop and acknowledge that we are feeling lonely and to remember all the blessings that we do have in our lives. I also think of the hardship that others go through, ie. someone with cancer or have a disabled child, and tell myself that in the grand scheme of things, my life is good and I will be okay, I am okay. Chin up.
I still feel lonely sometimes, but I have good health, a good job, loving family and supportive friends, so I am okay.
You will be okay too. Take care.
I watched this today and think it was a very important and inciteful video. Today is Mother’s Day and I lost my son 8 years ago to a very abusive man. He had more power and money than me and I raised my son alone and he was my whole world. I haven’t seen him now for five years and I’m supposed to get a call today but the father will probably stop it happening and whilst my son used to send a gift, he hadn’t for two years now. The pain and loneliness is excruciating. I run a fairly successful business and my clients see me as confident and strong and have no idea what I’m going through in my personal life. If a mother loses custody people tend to think you deserve it or must have done something wrong so you can’t easily explai that you were s victim of injustice and that’s very isolating. I’m sure there are other mothers in my position and so I’m reaching out to say I feel your pain and know your suffering.
Greetings, Matt! It is challenging for me in getting past loneliness as a minister. I can’t just date anybody and I seem to attract emotionally unavailable men. Sigh…so loneliness, frustration and disappointment seem to loom over me often. I truly would love to be married soon. I don’t believe in making moves and all of that. I truly long to be courted. I am pretty old fashioned in that sense. I am in my 40’s but I look like I am in my 30’s and attract younger men with big dreams. LOL! Once the men I meet find out I am a minister then everything stops. Sigh…thank you for this video. Its nice to know I am not alone. I enjoy your genuineness and peaceful presentations. Keep doing what you are doing! I will let you know when I become a Mrs. I believe in love and have great faith that love is on the way.
Your video just popped up at the right time. On Mother’s Day when I am missing both my mum and dad who are no longer here. Been feeling extremely lonely. Your words are so true. I have many cherished friends but it can be so hard when you feel lonely and feel you are the only one. Thank you for a little uplifting moment. I think I’ll explore Rilke. And a consolation to hear others stories too.
You’re right, Mathew. At times, I also feel extremely lonely though it seems to many people I am a happy woman with positive outlook. Now and then, I try to stay alone and cry. At least, after an awful night, a brand new day begins! :)
Thanks for your sharing. Yah, you’re not alone :))
Thank you Matthew. That is something I am so long thinking about and not knew how I could tell my opinion about that to other people who seems often just like they don´t care in any way.
And it is kind of touching to see that even you are struggling with this topic.. I think you need a hug. Just for a moment .. or a century.
I try to be kind to other people even if that is not my mood. For me it is a thing of showing other people that I love myself and because of that I treat other humans with respect and so on. But it is so hard when you feel like you´re the only one who is doing this. It is so hard when you think or even realize that it doesn´t matter what you do because they don´t care. So many people seem like they don´t care. And it helped me so much that you said that it will have an effect to them.
Thank you Matthew.
Today I woke up and felt so horrible lonely because the man I want is far away and I don´t even know how much he care for me. We will meet in two months to talk and to see how we behave when we are around each other. I am struggling with the loneliness I feel now, the enthusiasm of seeing him soon and the fear of what will happen.
So in fact.. you just made my day.
Thank you so much.
Hey Matt,
Great Video…
Sometimes I can be in a room full of people and be more lonely than being at home by myself. I think it comes from not being or feeling or finding a connection with the people in the room.
I don’t actually find loneliness distressing all of the time. There are times when it would be nice to have someone to goof off with or watch a movie on the couch with but even when that happens I can find ways to break that lonely state and redirect my attention elsewhere.
I am grateful for every moment that I have in this existence even the lonely ones… :]even though they suck sometimes
Hey Matthew,
Your video this week has made me cry.
I especially understand what you meant by feeling like you have nobody to talk to despite being so popular. I have felt this too. I’m so glad it’s not just me who feels this though of course I wish you weren’t feeling it at all.
Perhaps loneliness helps to keep our feet on the ground and a space in our heads to reach out to what’s above us for help.
Much love to you and I really appreciate the times in your videos when we see what you are going through too,
xFiona
I love the uncut thing. I don’t think it would have come across as authentic if you had done a good edit. Also, in this particular case, longer is better. I mean, if we’re listening, it’s to hear your voice for just a tad longer and feel just a tad less lonely, isn’t it? Thanks Matt.
Matt,
You were spot on when you said we seem more lonely even through we have more ways to communicate than ever before.
I have certainly found that to be true. I don’t know why. Perhaps the fact we can connect so easily has made us a little bit lazier? We don’t have to put ourselves out there as much so we don’t. But it backfires.
I have “social media friends” who know more about me than some people I’ve met face to face.
Right now I’m recovering from 2 year period of anxiety/depression. One of the ways I hid how I was feeling was to happy post all over social media so no-one knew and I felt so alone and such a failure!It’s crazy now I look back on it.
The moment I said “Actually I feel like complete crap” so many people said they felt the same.
It was the start of me getting better, just knowing that I could be honest. That I didnt have to be “perfect” was such a relief. It also felt good to know that by being honest, it’s almost like you’re allowing other people to do the same.
For the first time in a long time I feel less scared to go out and meet new people because like you said “We’re all in this together” (please tell me I’m not the only one who sings the sing from High School Musical when they hear that phrase? lol)
Thank you for sharing this amazing video and for your honesty.
I’m glad you didn’t uncut this and I think it was really brave for you to put yourself out there and admit your own loneliness. I feel lonely nearly everyday. Not just because I don’t have a partner right now but because I’ve just moved back to London and don’t have many friends here either. I try to make friends but people don’t seem to ‘need’ anymore really, they’re all set up in their established groups. I’m fun, with a lot of interests, warm and kind so I know I have a lot to offer and deserve and seek happiness but it’s so far eluded me or appeared very fleetingly. Loneliness is definitely a killer, sometimes I feel so lonely I think my heart is going to burst and its a very difficult thing to admit. We feel ashamed that we can’t seem to create these basic human connections that everyone has. But, like you say, we’re not alone and if you can admit your loneliness Matthew, then I can to. Thank you.
I love you too!!!
Many thanks for posting this Matthew. I have found that I can feel just as lonely when in a room full of people – it can be quite subjective at times.
I am having a bit of a nightmare time at the moment – I have given up on the love life thing for now. Being loved is something I have always wanted but never known. Unreciprocated love is always here instead. But at the moment I am more concerned about my elderly and ill father. When I think of the anxiety that causes me having someone to love/love me seems so unimportant.
Watching the video above reminded me that there are people out there I can talk to…. if I would only just ask for help. We are all leading difficult lives and it does help to remember that.
Much love
Rhian x
Possibly your best video yet.I don’t know how, I don’t know why by every video link that is emailed Matt, is always prevalent to what I am experiecing at that moment. This video especially lived up to that coincidence again. I am a bubbly outgoing 21 year old. Beneath my facaded energy I am lonely. I am convinced that loneliness is the price of ambition – of working towards things that I want to achieve. I battle with being honest about how I feel and often end the day feeling exhausted by people and conversation.
I am a spinning and yoga instructor trying to finish off my law degree. I always thought that being busy = being happy. It’s a rollercoaster ride.
I have come to find that being busy can also means being sporadically social but loneliness lurks just behind. I see too many people in a day and am scared that I will get comfortable in this loneliness and end up with nine cats, a dressing gown and roller in my hair.
Many thanks for posting this Matthew. I have found that I can feel just as lonely when in a room full of people – it can be quite subjective at times. I am having a bit of a nightmare time at the moment – I have given up on the love life thing for now. Being loved is something I have always wanted but never known. Unreciprocated love is always here instead. But at the moment I am more concerned about my elderly and ill father. When I think of the anxiety that causes me having someone to love/love me seems so unimportant. Watching the video above reminded me that there are people out there I can talk to…. if I would only just ask for help. We are all leading difficult lives and it does help to remember that. Much love Rhian x
(Please delete previous comment that contain email address :o )
Hi Matthew,
I’m having a freaky Friday moment having come across your video. Just last night I dealt with an intense bout of loneliness and had to journal in order to sort through it. And then I see your video this morning. What a gift! Thank you.
I am just coming to a point in my life where I am finally realizing that I’ve always experienced a sense of loneliness throughout my entire life, always in the background even when life was busy and good. There are many reasons for this. This includes the dynamics that I experienced in my family of origin, and it has taken me a long time to truly see the patterns and ways I’ve unwittingly repeated these initial experiences in other areas of my life. It has permeated all the social relationships I have, least of all the one that I have with myself. As well, I do think that our modern life in a sense can set us up for a sense of disconnection, the way we use our time, the way our cities and environments are structured, the ways in which we connect with others, like social media. People sometimes forget that there’s another person at the other end of the computer, and the phenomena of ‘ghosting’, of having what feels like you’ve made a connection through media, and then feeling disoriented when people suddenly ‘disappear’….it can be disconcerting and make you feel like the connections you make are transient and insignificant.
We also tend to move around a lot more, so it’s not uncommon to have to uproot yourself and have to start all over again from scratch in finding our tribe in a new place. Life happens and sometimes it’s just easy to lose friends or to have people come into and out of our lives and this can be hard. It’s funny that as a culture we are obsessed with finding our one true soul mate, and place so much focus on that, but I honestly feel like it would be useful to have frank discussions and ‘how to guides’ about friendship! If the way we’ve conceptualized love and marriage has rapidly changed over the past fifty years, I wonder how too our ideas about friendship and what we feel they ‘should’ be have also changed. I don’t see anyone really talking about this in any thorough way.
So anyways, about my bout of loneliness last night. I realized that in spite of the acquaintances I have and fun things to do, that there is not one single soul that is a constant in my life, that I can call ‘just because’, or to come home to. I have literally come to a point in my life where technically I am ‘alone’. I don’t have family left, I don’t have a partner (recently broke up), I don’t have children and some of my friendships have fallen to the wayside in the past two years due to lifestyle changes….life becomes busy for people and it gets harder to connect. Adult life feels structured sometimes for two here and I honestly feel sometimes like I’m living life in a vacuum.
I was proud of myself last night because I let myself sit with my loneliness. I felt it to my bone. I didn’t try to bully it out of consciousness by stuffing my face with a donut, or becoming busy. I accepted it. And I think in some ways perhaps a lot of intense feelings are like that…..chinese handcuffs. Sometimes the only way to get through them is to relax, breathe and have faith that this won’t last forever, and not to struggle against them and refuse to feel our feelings. To have faith that we can handle feeling these feelings.
I am also aware, as you mention Matthew, that loneliness can kill. So it’s a double edged sword. Feeling lonely is an inevitable and necessary part of life, but too much of it and it can literally make you sick and weaken your body and mind.
I love reading peoples’ stories here in the comments. And thank you Matthew from the bottom of my heart for making this video.
xx
Hi Everybody and loneybody’s
My bad for the “bad” English. Live in the Netherlands, not that is an excuse. Well, maybe a little bit ;-)
Today I woke up with the same “lonely” feeling as I went to bed and thought: “I’m going to get a dog so I don’t feel alone anymore”, but that’s no real solution.
We as people, as humans, talk a lot about love, the word love and for most people we don’t really understand the meaning of love. We think we do, we think we know what love is and especially the other side of love. Feeling sad, alone, jealous and feeling not loved by someone or anyone!
To throw some ego over the table: I’m a professional writer, artist, sexmentor/coach/expert, whatever you want to call “it”. I’m in the erotic business for 17 years. “Seen” and sometimes experienced every kind of “love making” as an actor, producer, photographer and manager. Although it’s a crazy, strange, great, amazing, mindblowing and again, crazy and strange business, I do really love the people who I meet and work with.
Off course not all of them, but the most people I meet, are happy, again a bit crazy, very open-minded and very sexual people. Love that!
Now I have my share of lonely moments. In a business where you meet and I mean really “meet” all kinds of people and the energy they have or not have, for me it’s also a kind of a fight to really connect with someone on a deeper level. Someone who really, really understands and for most, really lives the way of life like the thoughts that comes from let’s say, Abraham Hicks or Amir Zoghi.
For the last 7 years I’ve been on a “spiritual” journey. “Spiritual” sounds sometimes like flying away on a special cloud or sitting under some ‘special’ three for 7 years, but as you can understand, for a guy who “works” in the porn business, the “normal” spiritual world looks a bit different from where I come from, most people will hopefully understand what I mean…
7 years ago my finance ran away with another guy, took the business, all the money and basically everything I loved and knew. Best thing that ever happened to me, but it took some serious training and totally thinking in a different way. The years that followed introduced me to the dark side of love and as Darth Vader from Star wars kindly asks his son: “Luke join me to the dark side!” I can understand how people can lose themselves to the loneliness, the heart pain and the “bad” thoughts. I thank myself and whatever power helped me thru those “dark” years. Sometimes I was afraid I would never come out of that dark hole again. Still a wounded heart needs some time to heal, I know and really understand.
But now again it’s hard to connect. Not from ego, but I’ve moved up the “spiritual ladder” and for me it’s a lonely world, because where are all those open-minded sexual sexy high heeled amazing, a bit crazy, women who understand and live thru the thoughts of oneness? Women who understand and live the life of the one? So I feel I’ve created another kind of lonelyness.
A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine said: “If you want to know the difference between human created love and unconditional universal love, put your loved one in the trunk of a car. Put your dog in another trunk. Leave them for the night and when you open the trunk’s the next morning you will know the difference!”
Loneliness witch comes from our human thought and feelings, comes from inside, not from outside. We create ourselves the bad feelings we have from not having a boyfriend, girlfriend, a hubby, a sexbuddy, family or even a pet. If we can love are selves unconditional with the true and only real love from what we all are, the feeling of loneliness becomes less and less and less. We as humans forgot where we all come from. We all come from the greatest energy in the multiverse and that’s unconditional love, but a very long, long, long time ago a couple of idiots started to make human love. They started to make human love where we now can experience all the dark feelings, all the hate and everything that’s not love, but only exits from human judgements.
If you love someone, love them because you love yourselves so much you can share that love so you really can share that love. Not because you want to feel loved, that’s a judgement. That’s saying: “You need to love me, because I love you!” Same with feeling lonely. If you feel lonely, it’s because you don’t feel the love, the unconditional love the universe has for you. I can write, talk, share for many hours and even days with everybody about pretty much everything I found out on my amazing journey, but sometimes a “quickie” is just as good, as six hours of deep intense love making.
“Within the power of what we are, lies the source of the sheer
Beauty that we all can radiate”
From love, the only real love, Arjean
Thank you for this.