I don’t usually talk publicly about my weaker moments.
When you work in the self-help industry, everyone expects you to talk about the positive things in life: success, money, happiness, popularity, beauty, love… Well, I don’t know about you, but my life certainly isn’t always sunshine and rainbows.
No-one talks about feeling alone and loneliness enough. Everyone talks about success, money, popularity, beauty, fun…
But what about those moments when we go back to our bedroom, close the door, and feel like no-one in the world understands the struggle we’re going through. We have so much fear of revealing our naked, scared, suffering selves at times that we feel like it’s not valid to talk about our feelings of being alone.
Well, not today.
This may be one of the most personal videos I’ve ever done, but it’s also one of the most important…
Whatever you’re going through right now, I want you to know that someone is listening.
Please leave a comment on the video and share your thoughts with others so that they know someone else is going through the same as them.
This is what we are looking for raw, authentic, real and vulnerable.Today for the first time we have connected Mathew.
You have actually let down your walls …LOL be ready for a love hit.
This was raw, emotional and very beautiful. Thank you for this message and for the poignancy with which it was shared.
I struggle with loneliness in my life. I live alone in a small town two hours from my home city. There aren’t many people out here I can connect with. The weeknights are painful. Weekends are less so as I spend them in the city, but I depend on my friends and family being free.
It’s worse now after my most recent relationship ended. It was a short relationship; I never lived with him, we were separated by those two hours, but we spent every moment of the weekends and holidays with each other. I had assumed, naively, that because I loved him we would be together forever. Discovering I was wrong tore open insecurities I never knew I had. That scar will take a long while to heal.
Two months have passed and I’ve now found myself with a new person so intelligent and fascinating it’s difficult to even describe him. It’s VERY early days yet, still at the ‘dating’ stage, but I feel that same spark even more intensely than last time. However, it doesn’t stop the loneliness. I don’t think I want it to. As it’s so early, I fear the same thing happening again.
I’m falling very quickly for this person but I will not let myself use him as a balm for my loneliness. I need to find love and happiness within myself. He can augment it, but I should not depend on him to provide it. I want to let myself feel lonely and accept that those feelings are okay so I don’t place undue demands on him to ‘fix’ something that I must learn to accept within myself.
This video was exactly what I needed. I struggle with trying to take things slowly when I want to tell him everything I feel. I struggle with allowing him to commit to a relationship in his own time when I want that security as soon as possible. I struggle with knowing he is not ‘mine’, as people can never cage and own each other, when I wish I could hold onto him and never let go. The root of all that struggling is a fear of loneliness.
If I work toward accepting that loneliness is a normal and acceptable part of life, a part of myself, I’ll find myself far more comfortable giving up control and walking at his pace as we navigate the territory from dating into a relationship.
That was a very good video, it just reminds us about what we should remember and tend to forget.
What a great video! I have the same feeling inside sometimes. I’ve been moving between country’s the last 8 year’s and I had to face this a few times. People around me think that it’s a super life because of the pictures I put on Facebook but it’s more hard inside than they think. We don’t speak enough of this. We need to take care of our good friends and our loves ones, they are more important than we think and we need to stop believe the nice images that people share on Facebook or else because most of the time they just share their best moment or the ideal life they have or wish. So we have to be careful and take care of the real things around us.
You are not alone
Lots of love!
Lissia
Great message, Matthew! Always good to have a reminder we are not alone, even when in loneliness.
I think this is one of the best videos you’ve ever done, Matthew. Really great. Thank you.
Hello Matthew,
I’ve been watching your videos and listening to your well given advice for some time now, your mom is so proud, trust me!! But your understanding of peoples feelings and the compassion you’ve shown on this loneliness video, really struck a very deep and emotional impact on me!! You called loneliness a “killer”, and you couldn’t have been more accurate!! It got me to thinking that, just maybe, you could help me too??
I’ll try to explain the best I can why I felt I needed to write, and keep it as short as possible, while still giving as much information as I can.
I’m a 64 yr. old woman. I did my best to love, care for and raise our 3 children in a marriage with a man who (by his own wishes), worked a 2nd shift job, so he didn’t have to be much of a physically present husband/father. However, I was there, 24-7, never to tired or busy to give the care and attention my family wanted or needed! My life revolved around their world, and I was thrilled to give that! But my now ex (and father to our children) wasn’t there for us, unless an emergency effected our bank account, I’m not trying to put him down, he just wasn’t interested in us or raising our kids, money was always the first concern, and the reason for most arguments, so I was the one there for the kids, all conversations went through me, (and yes, he was even gone on the weekends!) He often refused medical/dental, care/attention for me (and the kids) because he didn’t want to spend “his money on our health issues”, and became increasingly both verbally and physically violent during our 35 years of marriage just to back his stance. I did try to leave him a few times for these reasons, also because I could no longer love him, (and don’t now) but I returned, feeling that I couldn’t make it alone with small kids! AND, believing that I could protect them better by staying, God forbid he would have gotten unsupervised visitation rights!! Once he nearly caused the death of our oldest daughter! She had just turned 5 yrs. old when she got food poisoning from a local pizza parlor, but “his money” was more important than seeing to her health or well being. Needless to say I stepped in on these occasions but his reasoning (neglect and control) nearly caused her death, (according to her pediatrician) and my own death on more than several occasions! After our 3rd child (our only son) was born, I was allowed to die from an infection, and by the lack of the care that I needed because, it was too expensive…. we even had great insurance coverage!! I’m not going into details because I’d rather remember this as a loving memory (I was on cloud nine btw) I had a beautiful baby boy!
This all started because of the loneliness I felt after my first marriage ended with a man that I was deeply in love with. And even though I was dating others after that divorce, I was still rebounding and vulnerable when I met (this man), my second husband. I take responsibility for my mistake because I could see that he was insecure, VERY jealous, and controlling during our courtship! But I chose to ignore these “RED FLAG” behaviors because I thought that my new love, our “LOVE” would overcome and eventually things would work out….if? I could just prove that I was loyal to him and loved him regardless of those actions! Had I not been in this state of loneliness, AND, thinking that he would change, (because he told me every day how much he “Loved Me”) I would have moved on from that relationship! I had never accepted this type of behavior in any of my prior relationships with the other men that I dated, but like I said….
Anyway, I finally did leave him in Oct. of 2014, and have been living alone since then. I finally felt confident enough (kids grown) and telling my now ex, that I didn’t want to be married any more and that I was leaving him. He told me that he wanted me to stay, to give him a second chance. (???) For me?… ALL chances were given long ago and I just wanted to move on to find the loving relationship that I desperately needed and longed for. That’s when things really went horribly wrong for me! He told me that he would financially ruin me if I left, (I’m still puzzled as to why he asked me to stay with him!!!) Because then, he did exactly that….he cut me off financially. FIRST, by refusing to pay for my medical attention, but that’s not the reason I’m writing or feeling so alone, or even living with this unrelenting, over powering loneliness now, because I’m finally FREE from him, or so I thought…
Not having the money I needed for legal help, I was forced to stay, our son (22, at the time) was also still living at home. Being denied the money for my doctors, prescriptions, suppliments, (even our food was no longer being provided for) I was having great difficulty with stress control!! So when my prescriptions ran out, (again, putting me at risk for a stroke, heart attack or death) that’s when the arguments with my son began. I asked him if he could share an apartment or stay with friends, so that he wasn’t a part of what was going on! Planning that I would be moving out-of-state, I also asked if he would consider going with me when I was able to leave, and respected his reasons for not wanting to go with. Still, bottom line, we started arguing more and more, and our relationship went down hill from there! I tried to repair the damage (the aftermath)…but no matter what I’d say or do, it only made matters worse until he was no longer speaking to me at all! Whenever I was in his presence, he acted like I wasn’t even there, INVISIBLE to him!! When I asked for his support (my decision to leave the relationship was a healthy one) he accused me of abandoning him. I needed to leave this stressful situation, but again financially, I couldn’t. I didn’t want my son to be involved in the first place but now, he was! I tried asking for his forgiveness, because now these arguments were out of control, and terribly hurtful things were said by both of us, we could see that we were hurting each other, but as hard as we tried, we just couldn’t seem to communicate properly and things always ended badly between us! Then I tried leaving the area when discussions would get heated between us, (going to my bedroom, thinking that he would cool down some??) but this actually made him more angry and he became more and more physical with me! He pushed me down into a chair once, other times breaking through my closed door, injuring me twice in the process. He also put his fist Through. A. Wall!! I was afraid for both of our safety at that point, and even offered to take him to the ER (We both thought he’d broken his wrist!!). His anger with me came on rapidly, and he became more violent as I refused to engage him when he was in this state of mind! Still having no where to go, I became terrified to be around him (he’s a BIG guy!!). I even tried explaining to him that I was, AFRAID Of Him, and didn’t want the police involved!! That he was my only son…That I loved him with all my heart and soul!! And that being off of my medications were some main reason for MY own inability to communicate with him. I was a type II diabetic with complications of thyroid problems, lupus, (still am dealing with those) And,stress related bi-polarism yet!! Finally when I was able to leave, I did hug him and asked if we could, Please….work to repair our relationship? He said that he would call me but I haven’t heard from him since! Having left nearly 2 years ago, I never would have left him nor thought this distance between us possible. I thought we had a great relationship before this, we went everywhere, did everything together. From weekly out-of-town zoo trips, and theme parks, to lazer and paint ball outings. Going to the movies (even the drive in), he taught me how to shoot, and I taught him how to drive! We were always going somewhere or doing something together, even if it was just a lunch or dinner out (boy, could he eat!!) Always laughing and joking, I thought we had so much fun. Until this, until he told me before I left that, “those were MY thoughts”, I gotta say, Confused?? couldn’t touch my feelings with him telling me that!!
Matthew, I am Truly Devastated. Heart Broken with this loss! And my loneliness IS killing me!!
Also, and since then, both of my daughters have followed suit, cutting off contact with me, one telling me that, “THEY, (???) couldn’t believe the things that people, have said about me”! Say What?? What “people” ?? I myself would never believe anyone who spoke against my mother, especially if she wasn’t even there to defend herself?? Still, I have tried to keep contact through emails, sending positive cards for holidays and birthdays, including emails asking their forgiveness for anything that I had contributed to, with regards to the break down of our relationships. I’ve also been screamed at by my oldest daughter, when I called several months ago, just to say “Hi”. With her telling me that I have taken away their childhood home, (their inheritance) and then hung up on me before I could even respond to that statement. This daughter has had no relationship with her father since the age of 18, when she left home at that time, and not much of one while growing up even though I had tried to encourage them, so this hit me out of the blue!
Well, I’ve certainly put all of our disfunction out there! I do apologize, for the length of this! But here’s my dilemma….
During this time, four doctors (and two different councilors, so far) have recommended (??) that I cut off ALL types of communication with my children because of my personal health issues (deep (“burn out”) depression, insomnia, and severe, daily anxiety attacks). But Matthew, this just feels wrong to me, I miss and love them very much and in spite of what’s happened. I want to work these issues out if still possible! I’m still in hopes that some day, they could have a change of heart. So, I’ve reduced my correspondences to sending only Christmas and Birthday cards with the simple signature of,”Love Mom”.
I’m telling you this so you can better (and hopefully ??) advise me?? My responses have been as follows….
My oldest daughter who now lives close (with my grandchildren) does send cards, but doesn’t want much more visits/contact or communication than that. I am still sending cards and gifts to my grandchildren though.
My second daughter, did send a recent Birthday card and a Chrismas card, but only AFTER she received mine. She’s been married for over 10 years, her husband hasn’t been helpful with a, Unity Of Family Members mentality (for her best interests) but I haven’t said anything as to my feeling about that. He’s also angry with me, but I don’t understand why.
From my son? ….NOTHING, not even on Mother’s Day. Two have passed since I’ve left and, (I’ve lost hope with the one coming up) I’d be lying if I said that doesn’t feel like a knife in my heart!
I guess my questions are…. Am I doing the right thing by trying to stay in touch this way? Is there any other advice can you give me that might just help to get the communication going??
The medication I was put on (for my depression/anxiety) made me sick and even more depressed so I’ve been taken off and don’t want to risk taking any others with possible same effects. I’ve also tried listening to motivational speakers, (your advise videos included) but I’m still not finding any joy with any part of my life…I just can’t seem to move on from this! Is there some way to reach them, or do I just need more help to get past this?
Thank you for being there!
Sheryn
P.S.
Please, keep up the great work your doing, it really does mean so much to the people you help!! :)
The gas tank has to be full in order for the car to be able to drive a long distance. Similarly, if you are hoping to make these big positive life changes in your relationship, you may first generate that positive energy in your relationship with yourself.
Why not keep a journal and think about how you aspire to feel? Set some goals for your well being, and write them down.
Aw Matt, this is my fave video of yours yet! I’m always saying you can’t be ‘on’ all the time. I often feel lonely, or fear loneliness I suppose (like being without a partner). It’s a hard thing to talk about. People don’t really want to listen, even the one’s that pretend to care. I think everyone has their own problems, and can only take on so much.
It’s a bit of a shame, because aren’t we meant to be more civilised and open to sharing vulnerability with one another in a judgement free sort of way? I always try and give people that seem to need it this kind of freedom, but rarely get it back. It’s okay, it’s just the way it is, but i think this kind of lack of reciprocation that fosters this feeling. (for me anyway)
When I was young…I never needed anyone…
Matt,
This video was great, so happy to see you brining forth topics that others would shy away from. Loneliness I personally feel can happen to those that are the most social and out of he blue. I’m a social butterfly but there have been times where being lonely has hit me but I’ve been able to shake it off by connecting with hose I hold near and dear.
Thanks again for not always keeping it light!
Matthew, this is a very thoughtful video. Loneliness occurs often in my life, as my love passed away only two years after we met, at the age of 28. It has been 5 years since, yet the pain of the loneliness is still there. He knew how to love me and vice versa, and we had a connection that appears to be difficult to find. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic, and know that you too are not alone.
This is such an important message to share. Solitude can be a catalyst for amazing creations. Affluence, as we have in North America, can be isolating. Focusing on our loneliness as a differential, separates us from our sense of community. Recognizing that loneliness is a shared experience between all people dispels the myth that is loneliness.
Hi Matty……
I really don’t have much to say but thank you. The video helped alot. You made me realise that the problem i have now that iam not alone in it that someone somewhere may be going through the samething……
And the video was perfect
I have felt the most alone I think I will ever feel already and I am only 15.. But I don’t feel too alone now but when I felt so alone was when I was seven.. I went out with this boy I liked as every old seven year old does and on Valentine’s Day his parents invited me to go over his house for a day. So I went and first we were out side playing football (soccer) when I started to get bored so he said ‘okay, how about we go to my room?’ And so we went upstairs and I followed him into his room.. Now previously to this visit this boy had forced me to kiss him and dragged me away from my friends, and basically he had been sexually assaulting me.. So back to the story. I followed him in the room and as I stepped inside he locked the door.. Which made me start to panic, like why would he need to physically lock the door? But anyway he then sat on his bed and he told me to sit next to him and so I sat down hesitantly as far away from him as possible and that’s when he said “I want to kiss you” and so I said No, but he wasn’t taking no for an answer. Now at first he just kept saying I needed to, then he said I had to and then grabbed his piggy bank and started laying money on the bed saying he would pay me.. At that point I was feeling so trapped and scared.. All I wanted was for someone to burst threw the door and save me, but no one came. I then went onto thinking what if I deserved this? And how no one knew what was happening.. And I just felt so alone and helpless and like I just didn’t want to live.. I don’t think I will ever forget how he then stuck his tongue down my throat.
I don’t think I have ever felt that lonely or ever will as I did on that day..
The first thing you must remember is that many women are unfortunately victims of trauma in this works.
1) it does not define them, it is just a life experience (albeit a very negative one)
2) it’s an old story that lives in the past, and that is important to remember
The old event/story is no longer alive , but you are.
Very awesome video and appropropriate to this moment in time, Matthew. I’ll be frnak and hinest – I started watching your videos over two years ago after I found out, fir the thirf time in five years that my partner, my best friend and liver of almost 30 years, was still having an affair with an old girlfriens from high school. (She found hime on Facebook-no more of that right now). We had been dealing with the fact that after our third child was born I began having horrific daiky migrainea and came to find out through MRI’s that I have Multiple Slerosis…he waa feeling weak, alone anf afraid but of course there is no excuse…so was I! Well long story short-we clebrated our 30th anniversary last November and have learned (although it is lifelong) lessons of how to be there when the other needs solitude or understanding in their lolineas over an iasue heavy on their mind. Thanks for what you do Matthew!
This video is extraordinarily timely for me. I’ve felt so alone and bewildered today that I shut myself in the toilets on the 20th floor of the swanky investment banking offices that I’m lucky enough to work in, and cried. Why was I crying? I have plenty of loving friends, a supportive family, I’m in love with a wonderful guy, am financially stable, good job, hobbies I can’t get enough of, holidays to look forward to, big plans for the future… So what the f is wrong with me? Here’s what I reckon… Firstly, I’m just having a down day. Hormones, tiredness, Monday blues or whatever…We all have them, but no one posts them on Facebook or talks about those days they want to crawl under a rock, because it’s more socially acceptable to pretend we’re just fine. Secondly, I actually need some solitude. Ive sacrificed my once treasured alone time, my meditation, my ambling home the long route for a moment under my favourite tree, because I’m excited about my relationship and want to spend my time with him. But now I’m all off-centre, so tonight I’ll go home, do some yoga, and get back in touch with the part of me that recognises and takes care of my own needs, in a way that no one can do for me. I’ll check in with my heart and my gut feelings, I’ll stop and listen to what comes up in the silence. And in doing so I will think of you and your video, and feel so connected by our shared sense of humanness. And I will remind myself with gratitude, that it’s days like today that help me appreciate the highs, and I’ll smile and see the beauty in all of it, and in all of us. Thanks Matthew x
Nicely put thankyou x yes i think we need to accept being alone is ok and to love ourself and please our selves .. i think the word lonely and loneliness sounds a bit yuk so better to say alone time . I have never spent alot of time alone before and yes you were so on the ball when you said its ok and we gain strength . Thankyou dear matt xx
Thanks Matthew for the “Loneliness” video. I agree with you that we all have our moments of loneliness and you really put it into perspective. One thing I took from this was from your ending, and that was to try and make the people in my life feel loved and cared for, so that when they are going through a time of loneliness it won’t feel quite as isolating.
As always I loved your video – great message!
God said.. We are never alone..he is always there..to heal our broken hearts..pick up the pieces..let the past go..learn from your
solitude…Grow spirtually…closer to God..
Angel
You Nailed it. Loneness can be insidious. I loved this. Keep up this kind of stuff.
Shear honesty I think this is what the world needs to see more of! social media is is so prevelant in our culture these days, and the lonely and disconnectedness, that we all feel sometimes I’m sure, makes us feel the need to use it even more in order to feel we’re worth something in comparison to everyone else and what their posting. I think we forget what it is to just be human and connect to one another, without judgement or with a need to impress. And it’s blogs like this, with honest that bring us all together! Don’t feel lonely Matthew either! We’re all in this together like you say :)
Love and peace!