Have you ever been a victim of the most painful kind of ghosting . . . where you’re haunted by the fact that you never got closure with someone?
In today’s brand-new video, I give you the tools you need to move on for good from this kind of ghosting, including a text message you can send . . . not to get closure from them but to give yourself the closure you need.
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Matthew:
So we recently did an episode on the podcast, the Love.Life. podcast for those of you who don’t listen already, Jameson, let’s throw something up so people can find the podcast.
Jameson:
There’s nothing to throw up, just search Love Life podcast wherever you listen to your podcasts.
Matthew:
There was an episode we did episode 181, the title of which was “How to Deal with the Pain of Not Getting Closure.” And there was someone who emailed a reply to this podcast. She said, “Hi all, I just wanted to say that I really did enjoy your last podcast. I adore all of you guys. The banter you have is awesome. And I do agree with everything you said. However, I have a feeling you missed out on one reason why it is so important to get closure. I am now actually trying to deal with that pain of not getting closure. But the reason why I want to get closure, and I believe I wouldn’t be alone in this, is not necessarily to get any constructive criticism that I can improve, it’s neither because I can’t help but scratch the wound.
Why I need it is because this guy simply ghosted me out of nowhere. He reads my Facebook texts but stopped responding to them. We only met two months ago and have already been through some misunderstandings. But we didn’t recently argue or anything. So now I find myself left with this uncertainty over whether it’s only temporary, like he’s just struggling and needs to think about our situationship. Or we’re done for good. I simply want to get out of this limbo, get this level of certainty to close that chapter and move on. Thank you and can’t wait for the next episode.”
Well, and I’m going to call this person . . . Name?
Jameson:
Oprah.
Audrey:
Deborah.
Jameson:
Maybe let’s just go with Deborah.
Matthew:
I’m going to go with Deborah. It’s funny because whenever I read a message like this, I read certain contradictions. On one hand, Deborah says, “I’m not simply thinking about this to scratch a wound. I’m just trying to get certainty.” But then when I hear this person say, “I’m struggling because I have this uncertainty,” are they just struggling with the situationship and thinking about it and they don’t know what to say. Or is it actually over? That kind of rumination is a way of scratching the wound. It’s a way of continuing to invest in the situation.
Now, let’s rewind for a moment because ghosting itself is incredibly painful. It’s incredibly painful because it can make us feel worthless. It can make us feel like we’re not even worthy of an explanation. We’re not even worthy of someone messaging us back when we’ve reached out to them. And I think it’s worth stating that there are different versions of ghosting. There’s the version of ghosting where we reach out to someone we’ve been seeing and they don’t text us back. And then because we feel like that’s a massive rejection, we don’t reach out to them again. Now, that’s not to say that’s okay, but that’s a much more common version of ghosting than the version of ghosting where you reach out to someone, they don’t reach back out and then you decide to go back to them and say, “Hey, is everything okay? I haven’t heard from you.” When you reach back out with a message like that, if someone then ignores that ask for information then that, for me, is a much more severe form of ghosting. Neither are great, but the latter requires a very conscious ignorance of someone’s confusion.
Now, I don’t know if Deborah reached out again to get that clarity because that is one form of closure you can have. I actually think if you’re right now, anyone out there is in a situation where there is someone that has ghosted you. And you find yourself in the same place Deborah is, where you are confused, you don’t know what’s going on. Are they thinking about me? Did something happen to them? Are they just done with me? What is happening? A good step for yourself maybe to reach out to that person and to say, “Hey, I have been very confused by the fact that I haven’t heard from you. Is everything okay? It seems strange because we were consistently communicating and dating and now I haven’t heard from you at all.”
That to me seems to be a worthwhile message to send if for no other reason than once you’ve sent that you now can rest going, “Well, I asked for clarity.” And if they don’t text you back to that, or if they don’t come back to that at all with a phone call, then you know, oh, this is a person that is willfully dismissive of my confusion, of what can be causing me pain. And they’ve decided that the best course of action is literally just to ignore me.
If you are able to go on Instagram and see that they’re still living their life and that they’re not dead, then you have your answer about this person. That should be a moment where you actually can set them aside. That should be a moment where continuing to agonize over the situation and follow the thoughts of, “But what happened? Why did they suddenly ghost me? Why aren’t they getting back to me? What could I have done so wrong?” That is a form of rumination that is simply scratching the wound.
Our mind can, in situations like that, look for story, you see it in Deborah’s message, she’s looking for that story. Maybe is he struggling with our situationship? Is he thinking about it and there’s something holding him back? That’s attributing story to a situation that doesn’t need to be that complicated. Occam’s razor, the idea that the explanation that requires the least variables is the most likely explanation. In other words, the simplest explanation is the one you should go with.
In this case, the simplest explanation is that this person, for whatever reason, decided that they don’t want to continue, or that they’re not interested, or that they can’t give you what you want. And in that moment, instead of communicating with you about that, decided to take the easiest possible way out that had no regard for your feelings. That’s the simple explanation. It doesn’t need more thought than that.
When you’re going into that place of I must be worthless because how could someone do that to me? How could someone that I was having a great time with, or that it felt like there was some kind of important relationship building with, how could someone just drop off the face of the earth as far as I’m concerned and yet, they’re still here living their life? That unworthiness that we feel should actually start to dissolve when we realize that we’re dealing with a person whose opinion should be devalued in the first place because they’ve shown us that’s how they conduct themselves. That’s how they treat people.
I would go as far as to say, if this person really liked you, it still wouldn’t matter. They’d still be a terrible person to be with because if the person that’s capable of ghosting you like that really liked you, that would still be a trait they have. It would still be a way they react when they’re not interested. Do you see that? So even if you got your wish and this person really liked you and went after you in the way that you wanted them to, the likelihood is that would just blind you to this quality that they have when they’re not interested. That would still make them a terrible person for you to be with because that person is a very dangerous person to be with.
You don’t get loyalty with those people. You can’t build trust with those people. You don’t get consistency with those people. You certainly don’t get good treatment when that person sees you as no longer valuable to them. What you are really seeing in that moment is what does someone do when they’ve decided you’re no longer valuable to them, or when they don’t need you, or when something different comes along that arrests their attention? What happens to you? What happens to anyone? Forget you. What happens to anyone in a situation like that that’s in their life?
And that’s really good information, that’s important information to know. You almost have to remove the you from it because the I is the ego in it. How could they do this to me? How could we go from having the connection we had to suddenly, I am not even worthy of an explanation? The me in it, the I it that’s all the ego. But what we have to do is go, “Oh no, what this really is a representation of how this person treats people.” And that should be an incredible turnoff, should be seen as a dodged bullet. It should be seen as in itself a form of closure because I would never want to be with a person who is able to do this, or who’s in a stage of their life where they can’t see that this is really distasteful and bad behavior.
And I’m going to push back here, Deborah. And you sent me a message with love, I’m going to send you a message back with love, but it’s going to be a tough message. I think that your email to me was a bit of a cop-out. I think it was your way of giving yourself a license to keep thinking about this person that doesn’t deserve for you to keep thinking about them. When you start to entertain, but could it be this, and could it be that? I just don’t know. I’m so confused. Matt, it’s really hard when you just don’t get an explanation. And when you’re so confused, then you can’t let go. Yes, you can. You don’t need to be coming up with all of those explanations.
The righteous explanation we give someone, which you alluded to in your email, the one where we say, but maybe they’re really confused that’s a way of packaging that person in a more positive way than the behavior they’ve given you suggests. And the reason your mind packages them in a more positive way is because then you can hold onto them. Then, you can actually keep thinking about it. You can keep ruminating. It introduces doubt, it introduces hope, it introduces uncertainty. And all of the confusion that keeps you trying to work out a riddle that has already been solved.
What is the best use of your time and your precious life? We are here for a very short period of time and one of the decisions that we have to make during this life of ours is who do we want to spend time with, and who do we want to give our energy to? It’s absolutely one of the most important decisions we can possibly make. It might be the most important decision we can possibly make. Are we going to spend our lives around positive people, or negative people? Do we want to be around people who are great teammates, or people who let us down constantly?
Life is full of these decisions about who to spend our time with and who to give our energy to. And this right here is an example of someone who I would argue is a really poor use of your life. This life, you have this bar and it’s not very long, it’s not very big. And every hour of it is precious. So who are you choosing to give your time to? Deborah, you said you had a two-month relationship, two months. And you said there was some misunderstandings along the way. Who knows if it was even a relationship from what you’ve said. But there was someone that was on your radar for two months. And then, they ghosted you and now they’re still on your radar in a big way. Enough for you to email me about this person because you’re in pain and the confusion of it.
This, to me, is not someone that’s worth your life. But you’re making them worthy of it. And the more we go down the rabbit holes of discussing these people, and having conversations about what their intentions are, and what did they really mean when they ghosted us and what are they thinking right now, the more we’re just invest . . . It’s a form of investment. Do you understand that? It’s a form of investment in that person. When we invest and invest and invest like that psychologically we care about it more. But this is one story. And it’s a story that’s not even interesting. Life offers you so many different stories with so many different people. There are more stories available to you to begin in this next chapter of your life than you possibly have time for.
It’s one of the great tragedies of life. There are so many stories you can engage in. There’s a story where you move to India and you live out this whole adventure, doing something you’ve never done before there. There’s a story where you begin a new business. There’s a story where you go and meet the great love of your life in a different city. There’s a story where you have an amazing friendship. There’s a story where you have four more amazing relationships in your life. There are so many stories you could be living, the real tragedy is when we are continuing to play out this story that’s not interesting that has finished, by the way, there’s your closure. It finished. We made a video recently on the nine confusing things men say and what they really mean. Well, of all the confusing things men say, ghosting isn’t one of them. Ghosting is pretty obvious. It’s pretty direct, it’s pretty clear-cut. Our job is to give ourselves the closure so that we can go and live one of those other interesting stories.
The reason I say that what you said is a cop-out is because you’ve made this person responsible for your ability to move on. You’ve given them that power, I can’t move on until I get some kind of explanation and figure this out. Life isn’t that simple. We don’t always get the closure that we want. In fact, a lot of life doesn’t give us the closure that we want. How many people out there watching this video have a parent, nevermind a parent that died that they never felt they got closure from? How many people watching this video have a parent who’s still alive that they get no closure from? A parent, that they don’t feel seen by? A parent that will never truly understand them? Or they’ll never have that great turnaround that you always wished they would have? How many people watching this video will never get that closure? Life is like that.
There are so many situations that don’t have a happy ending where we don’t get to have closure, not in the form that we’re seeking it. The closure is the closure we give ourselves where we say, “Ah, my happiness does not reside here. My closure is reinventing my happiness somewhere where it’s actually possible. My closure is beginning a new path and saying, ‘Oh, the way that parent treated me, or the way that person was in my life, I never want to be like that.’ The closure I’m going to give myself is being better than what I see over here. The closure may be that I get to treat people better than I’ve been treated.”
One of the greatest ways to be unhappy in life, one of the easiest ways to be unhappy in life is to look for closure where closure will not be found. And you’re stalling Deborah, and you’re waiting for this person to give you closure that you’re going to have to give yourself. And, by the way, you’re going to have to give it to yourself in many other ways in life yet. This is not the last time you’re going to have to give yourself closure. But you’re stalling and waiting for it is a way to be really unhappy. And it’s a way to just run out the clock on your own life. And there are no prizes for that waiting. No one waits at the end of your life with a medal that says, “Look how long you held out waiting for closure. You get the medal for being the most resilient day, after day, after day holding out for that closure.” There is no trophy for that later on, there’s only how much you lived.
Your job is now to go and live to set whatever energy you were going to use to put into this, use that energy to actually go out there and live. And that starts by having a different standard to the kind of person that right now you’re looking for closure from. And you may say, “I already do have a higher standard. I would never do that to someone.” So in that sense you do. But you also have to have a standard for whose opinions you’re looking for in life. You have to have a standard for who you listen to. A standard for who you give time to. And right now you’re not having a standard for that.
You’re choosing to give time to someone who’s giving no time to you. Give energy to someone who’s giving no energy to you. And try to figure out what the opinions are and what the story is of someone whose opinion shouldn’t be valued that highly in the first place based on their actions, which aren’t suggestive of someone who you’d want to model in your life.
Thank you so much for watching. Leave me a comment, let me know what you thought of this. Let me know if it helped you with a particular person in your life right now that you’ve been holding onto and seeking closure from when you shouldn’t. Be it a romantic person, a family member, a friend, or anyone in your life. I’d love to hear from you. How has this helped you with the closure in your life, and how has this video affected you?
Did you know, before you go, that I’ve been doing this for 15 years now? And over those 15 years, I’ve created an entire buffet of programs that are designed to help you with whatever stage of dating and relationships you’re at. And did you further know that there is a place you can go to get the best one recommended for you based on what you are going through right now? If you go to YourDatingSolution.com, you can tell this tool on my website what your particular challenge is, and it will recommend you the best solution from the suite of solutions that I’ve created over my entire adult life so far. Go check it out at YourDatingSolution.com. And I’ll see you next time.
I dated someone twice over two or so years- he was so incredibly helpful to me in building my new business, he drive to see me from very far away, he was very very good to me! But when things got a bit difficult- at work for him or if I had a moment of feeling needy- he vanished. I don’t pretend in any way that this kind of cowardice is something that I accept in my life. But, he was SO good to me and so kind to me in so many ways that it can be hard to accept that I chose someone who could do this. In many ways I ask myself, shouldn’t I have known better?
Matthew, thank you. I’ve been listening to you and reading your content for years and co to use to come back to your advice as if they are words from the big brother I never had, and it’s so helpful. This particular video, I have to say is one I will revisit over and over until I get it right. Your compassion and understanding shines through here and the way you flip the script for the viewers to see our own value is a gift. Thank you so very much.
Thank you, Matthew. I have been attracted to a player who seemed to like me, and I have had some really weird things happen to me. Someone pretending to be him was texting me with all kinds of love statements and then admitted they were not him in the end of the texting after I questioned it some more. I was just about to pull away and then someone playing games with me made me think he cared. So, I bought a few more concert tickets to see him after the fake act of someone pretending to be him. Now I think I will go but just stand away from him and finish the shows because of the investment I have made with the trips and shows. There have been no dates or anymore advancements in any direction and your right it’s time to move on to more stories and new places instead of waiting for being let down time and time again. I promise you Mathew that I will no longer approach this man. I like how you stated that even if something positive did happen he would not be the right person. Thank You for giving me the strength to move on because I adore him, but you are so right about this. I have to love myself enough to walk away now. I have 3 more shows and all 3 shows I will stand back and look for other stories and other directions. I have made other plans on my trip also that will make this a little easier to just let him go. I don’t need closure because if he cared enough, he would be there.
Thank you…some times you need a straight forward, gentle reminder of who you are and your worth.
Thank you Matthew, without your book and videos I can’t go this far. I was dating with a guy who is 12 years older than me for two months. Both of us were looking for “long term relationship” He has a great tease, is a good cooker, and knows every romantic places. He also take good care of me when I felt sick. Even introduced me to his friends. Things were moving quickly. We had a wonderful time, everything seemed so good too be true. One day after our last meet, he “forgot “ leave me the sauce he made at his lobby, all of the sudden, after his apology, he stopped to texting me. That was so strange and confusing. I waited for an entire week to texted him, told me about I my confusion and upset. He replied with the message “ I am not ready for you to put your belongs at my place and am not sure going to see you every week, I am leaving next month and I need the time to really think about it”. At the moment I knew it’s over but somehow I was hoping things could go to the opposite way when he came back. Because I really really like him. Even now, two months after he disappeared in my life. I am going through the exactly same feeling as Debora, and I can’t let it go. I think about him every morning when I wake up, miss him every day before I fall asleep. I understand everything Matthew you said that I’m missing the other opportunities might happen in my life, but I’m not ready for this to happen. I think in the heartbreak stage I need the time to heal myself and I believe other people have the same feeling about becoming an intact human again for the next new chapter.
Thank you for this. I was just ghosted by my long distance boyfriend of over 3 years. No argument, disagreement or anything. Our last exchange was a bunch of “I love you” and he was supposed to be flying in to visit me today. My heart is completely shattered and I’m angry about the 3 years that I wasted with him. I’m desperately trying to forget him, but after planning our future together, it’s so damn hard.
I feel this one. I was ghosted by someone who I’ve known for 20 yrs and these past two years we’ve gotten closer and was dating and he ghosted me and deleted me from social media and never responded to my text. I am completely devastated bc I did so much for him. I had to find out from a mutual friend he was moving on. And today is his birthday so I’m thinking about him more. I never thought he would do this to me.
This was an extremely helpful message. I’ve been holding on for closure for 18 months since my 5-year relationship ended. I have not moved on. He has started a whole other relationship and life. Extremely helpful to hear that there are no prizes for holding out for closure. It’s all such wasted time. Thank you for your help.
Matthew, I cannot tell you how much I needed to hear this this morning. You really have no idea! I was just (semi) ghosted by a guy I met two months ago, a guy I had a fantastic connection with who I really really like. It is almost this exact same scenario as this woman who wrote in, save for the “few issues” that she had with her crush. We both are intellects and really valued finding someone of equal ilk; I absolutely loved talking to him–and could say ANYthing that came to my mind–and he even turned to me for support when he had a recent kerfuffle with an organization he belonged to and was able to share his feelings. Made me feel special and wanted. We’ve had 4 dates–I know, nothing, but they’ve all been really fun–the key word for me: FUN. Easy. Simple and uncomplicated. Isn’t that what this is supposed to be about??? I thought he felt the same, and now I am, once again, left to guess what happened.
Before Christmas, he told me he was leaving town for two weeks and I asked when I would get to see his handsome face, and he said “2023! Have a great Christmas stretch!” That felt like a massive blow-off when we had had a lot of great conversations, back and forth, and real LIVE phone calls (!). I texted once a few days before Christmas. No response. I texted on Christmas, since I know he has no immediate family left, to which I got a response, but when I texted back, and then again later that day with funny photos of my family in Christmas pajamas and engaged in present opening, I got nothing. I (foolishly) texted once again to say Happy New Year and got a response, during which we exchanged some jabs about the fact that relationships are tricky. I am waiting for more to come, and some kind of initiative from him. The thing that hurts is that I feel like when I find a man I really like, who it’s EASY with, it never turns out.
Thanks, I needed that.
As always, what we really need to hear the most, somehow finds it’s way to us. I’ll spare repeating my story of being ghosted because that just keeps me in the energy of the past. The most important thing for me that I heard you say was to stop investing your time, energy, and hopes in someone who is not giving you any return judging by his actions. Instead, invest in yourself by creating the life you want with someone who values you and wants to be there with you. When we hang on to the IDEA of what could have been with that person we are only robbing ourselves and that is a tragedy. I recently read somewhere – If someone wanted to they would; NO answer IS an answer; What is the price you pay by hanging on? What does it cost you?
Thank you Matthew for all that you do to help the world be a better place.
Hi Matt! I cannot tell you how much I resonated with this video and how you’ve exactly decoded Deborah’s feelings. I have suffered the same recently and finding it difficult to get over things. Not only this was perfect with what I’m feeling about a guy, but also very close to the closures i need from my parents. This video will be saved at my end for the lifetime lessons that it provides. Thank you!
I was In a 10 year relationship
Mind you I been married 3 x I have trauma for child hood ended up with abusive, physically, abusive drug attic men, was abused by everyone of them and then I ended up being by myself for a while, not knowing that you need to have boundaries that when you start a relationship because I never had a real relationship I didn’t know the rules met a guy at my work. We initially were just gonna talk about working out, and then couple days later he asked me out and I wasn’t against it. I just didn’t know how to say what I really felt which was I wasn’t really interested because I was caught of guard.I could’ve said something else we got in a relationship and because of my trauma bad relationships, not setting boundaries I was easy to manipulate because this guy never done drugs did not drink or curse that was one of his rules
working out in common. We ate healthy and we liked to work out.
I actually never had anybody ask me out like that so I didn’t know how to answer and I said sure so he said first of all if we’re gonna do this, we can’t let nobody know at work that we’re doing this we don’t want nobody to know that we’re dating are you OK with that and I said sure . Went to his house back-and-forth I go to his house on weekends I had clothes there and We sometimes went out to eat out of town, so nobody would see us if we were spotted. sometimes
we just stayed home watching movies and I was OK with that because I’m a really busy person I have two jobs and he bought me things shoes decorating my house almost like his
But he never said I love you and that should’ve been red flag to me. He isn’t affectionate and that’s what I wanted. I like that in and I thrive for that and I try to be that way with him but he made me feel uncomfortable because I felt awkward he had a wall anyway long story short we broke up a few times, and I pleaded to go back with him, took me back. He broke up with me over stupid things that was like bizarre. So now I’m dealing with this situation and I’m having a hard time understanding. How can somebody do that just call it quits without any real reason I see him at work and he avoids me at all cost he just looks the other way. I’m doing counseling now , but I still can’t get him out of my head. How do I do it?
I seem to always listen to your videos when I need to. It wasn’t the ghosting issue for me, it was more of the closure. Made me think about the closure I didn’t get from my mother and my brother. You’re right I had to give it to myself. Thank I love your videos. They make me laugh but mostly they make me think in a different direction.
Matt,
Your video was amazing for me! After struggling with closure, the things you said helped me see what I already knew. Thank you for explaining it the way you did! I feel so much better.
Thank you for posting this video today, where I’ve found myself again thinking about the guy who ghosted me and haven’t got any closure from. It feels like I’m on a rollercoaster and can’t get off it. One day I feel fine and don’t Think about him, but then I find myself on other days thinking about him and wondering why he did what he did to me. He has contacted me since he ghosted me. First he liked me on Tinder, and then he has sent me messages on Messenger, where he just said “Hey”, “Found another guy”. I have not opened these messages, which I’m feel good about that I haven’t. But I know that I are going to run into him, because he still works, where I did and I still have contact with some of my old colleagues, and are going to meetings at my old job, so I know that I am going to see him again in the near future.
Thank you for posting this video – it was perfect timing for me. I was ghosted too by someone I had been talking w/for 2 mos. Seems like 2 mos is the magic number here. I appreciate the confidence you try to instill in us – to give us the strength to call it like it is and quit wasting time on these horrible losers. Meaning the type of person that will be that rude & disrespectful to you doesn’t deserve one more mil-a-second of your time or energy. I read about something lately which is what I think explains the 2 mo. magic number for ghosters. It was called Karmic relationships – maybe you could elaborate some on that – because it perfectly defines – what happened to me. Thanks again love your videos.
I’ve had a really close bond with this guy for just over a year . We became so close . I felt completely comfortable with him , and have never ever felt like this about a guy ever! I fully let me guard down and embraced the relationship. We had so much chemistry and it was very obvious between us and for others to see . We spent many hours talking , going for coffee , spending quality time together. The initiation of this relationship was fully from his side and before I knew it I stated to develop feelings for him . We met through work and my time at my job was coming to an end and I was dreading that when I left contact would decrease but he reassured me it wouldn’t . We were planning trips together , meet ups , and all sorts . He then got a new job which would take him out of the city but again this didn’t seem to be an issue . He would say things to me like “ don’t ever ghost me “ ! “We will meet all the time I’m going to travel back etc” even though I thought this may decrease we had such a good friendship (relationship aside) that we both agreed that whatever happened we’d be there for each other as friends . A few months ago I would message and replies became less frequent from him and when they did they were always started with “I hope you don’t hate me” I have always given him the benefit of the doubt as I always knew he had “aniexty” over replying generally . He then initiated more meet ups which we did – and we fell back into our close bond and the chemistry was extreme. Our last catch up ended with a “see you later” on good terms and then we texted for a day or so after – then suddenly I got no reply to my message . I followed up a week or so later and no reply . His lack of communication we had discussed in person and I had said I get we are all busy but please just say “busy – talk later!”. I wished him luck with his new job via text and said I’m here when he needs me – no reply! I left it a few weeks and then needed some help from him regarding a work issue . I reached out quite informally and no reply! , my birthday came and went no message , it’s now been 3 or so months . I messaged at Christmas and NY wishing him well and nothing ! He hasn’t blocked my number and I have seen via some ‘group’ chats that he sees my messages some he reads some voice notes he doesn’t even listen too! but I’ve been completely ghosted for no apparent reason , not even an acknowledgment! Which is killing me . My confidence has taken such a battering and I miss him dearly . He promised and assured me he wasn’t a “ghoster”and that we would be 100% up front and honest with each other . I think the main thing apart from the bit of not knowing why is that he appears to have no respect for me as a person let alone a friend . I have come up with various scenarios as to why and what but I know he probably has just lost interest in me but having no closure , being so vulnerable around him and to be treated like this is extremely painful! I miss him and would love to just get a message . I’m just at a loss to it all !!!
Dear Matthew,
Greetings from Indonesia. I have been following your mailing list for approx. 3 years now (though I did not read/listen/watch everything).
Recently, I have been ghosted by a man I thought was The One. I am maybe a fool in love, it’s just that this guy has many attributes from most of the men I used to date in my younger years, he even physically looks like my ex. He possesses many characteristics that I want in a man (or so I thought). All these, I realize that. But later on, I realized that he shared more similar traits with my father: cold, distant, and dismissive to me. I felt like I am chasing a father figure in a form of a boyfriend. I kept trying so hard to get approval from him, trying so hard to make him love me more, the same as what I wish I could get from my father. I broke up with him but I told him that I still very much love him. We still text each other after that. He has not replied to any of my texts for 2 months now. On our last call, he still said that he loves me too. So, imagine how lost and crushed I am when I found out that he blocked me. I knew he ghosted me but to see him block me, is another hurt. I got a panic attack that day and I fell sick up until today. I just want closure. Thank God I have friends who have been my social support during this time.
I have decided to move on but I do not know with what strength I can do this. I saw your email about this video and watched it. You managed to articulate this in a way that I can understand. It does help me a lot to put it in my brain. It might take some time to heal from this. So, thank you so much for this video.
Thank you so much for this!
My marriage ended after 25yrs and I never got a real reason why, I have lost years waiting for closure, for an explanation which I doubt will ever come. After reading this it has given me so much clarity and everything you point out is so true.
Great advice that helps in so many situations as you said
Thankyou, Thankyou !!
I’m about a year into dating after ending my 18 yr marriage. I remember feeling horrible after being ghosted every time it happened. Having listened to your content and joining the love life club, I can honestly say I feel like I’ve turned a corner.
I still get ghosted but it doesn’t nearly have the same effect. I know straight away that this person just saved me a lot of time and they are not for me. The patterns of behavior for the men that are no good for me are becoming obvious. It’s almost funny that they all behave the same way when it comes to ghosting. I used to get so hung up on words and the lovely things these men would say. Now, I am far more interested in their actions.
I am actually beginning to enjoy dating now.
I just wanted to let you know that you are setting us all free one by one, with the great work you do x
I needed to hear this – thank you Matthew. I’ve been looking for closure – I’ve had an on/off relationship with someone for several years. He’s never said ‘we’re over’ or ‘ I just want to be friends’ or anything in fact. General conversation has always been good, but nothing about our relationship. He never told me when he started dating someone else (despite a mutual friend telling him he should) he just turned up at my workplace with her with no warning. He agreed, after this, that we needed to talk, but never found time. I found out he got engaged via a Facebook post. I sent him a voice message telling him how hurt I felt, and that I wasn’t looking to rekindle our relationship, I just wanted him to be straight with me. I got nothing.
Yes, I understand he never really invested in me – I invested in him. But it is hard – especially when it’s highly likely we’ll cross paths through work, and have mutual friends.