Long-distance relationships are a tough gig.

You miss each other. You feel like a separate part of their life at times. And you don’t always know when you’ll be together again. So . . . is it worth it? Well, it depends.

Long-distance relationships are tough, but there are warning signs that can help tell you if it’s likely to work long-term. In fact, there’s one thing someone can SAY to you that basically guarantees a long-distance relationship won’t last, and I share it in this video.

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There’s a certain thing that if someone says it to you, it’s a pretty sure sign that your long-distance relationship will not work out. And I want to give you that today and also what you can do if you find yourself in this situation.

Before we get into today’s video, I want to tell you about something really exciting I’m doing at the moment. I’m going to explain more at the end, but basically, I have a brand new newsletter called “The 3 Relationships.”

You can sign up at the3relationships.com. This is a personal email written by me sent to you every Friday. And the feedback on this so far has been amazing. I’ve been doing it in private for my existing mailing list, and people have absolutely loved it. I just haven’t talked about it to the world yet. I’ve been doing it all year, and it’s now become one of my favorite things that I do. So if you’re not signed up, go to the3relationships.com, and I’ll tell you a little bit more about the theme of this and what it’s all about at the end of the video.

Somebody recently came to me with a question about her long-distance relationship. She had been seeing someone for seven months. In that time, she had been talking to him regularly—pretty much every day by text or by phone. She described the amazing connection they have, the incredible chemistry that she felt, the way she felt the conversation was great—the way she thought he was great.

But the reason she had brought the situation to me was because she asked him for exclusivity and he gave her an incredibly convoluted and confusing answer about where she stood with him, what he was available for, the fact that he wasn’t quite there for a relationship, but he did see them as maybe being exclusive in their arrangement, as he put it.

The bottom line was, even I, by the end of everything she said that he said, felt completely and utterly bewildered by all of the language he was using and how confusing that must have been for her. Here’s what I want us to think about:

If you are in a long-distance relationship, then you know this to be true: Long-distance relationships kind of suck. They are rough. You go long stretches of time without seeing somebody, you feel like you’re not really a part of their day, you have to be extra trusting because it feels like you’re not really a part of each other’s lives. You’re not experiencing regular physical intimacy, which is a wonderful part of being with somebody. You’re hanging on constantly for the next time you’re going to see them. We try to enjoy life as much as possible in between, but it can also feel like we are deferring our joy, deferring our happiness, until the next time we see them when we’re going to feel complete for having this person back in our arms.

Who would choose such a relationship? If we had the choice, surely we would choose someone down the street in our own town who was actually present—who we could have a relationship with.

So it does beg the question: Why would anyone choose a long-distance relationship?

Now the answer to this question is going to shed some light on that thing I said “If you hear it, the relationship won’t work out.” And it’s also going to shed some light on this woman’s situation and the wildly confusing answer that this man gave her when she asked for more.

So why would anybody decide to have a long-distance relationship? Well, there are three big reasons: One, because that person is worth it. They are both an amazing person and someone you have something amazing with.

The second is because we have a scarcity mindset. Maybe we’ve been single for a while. We haven’t found anyone we like in a long time. We’ve had no success in our own town or neighborhood, and so when we meet someone we feel a connection with, and they happen to be hours away or even a country away, we think to ourselves, “I don’t know if anyone better is going to come along. I don’t know if anyone is going to come along at all, so I better take this as far as I can possibly take it.”

The third reason someone would want a long-distance relationship is because it’s convenient for them. Now, why would a relationship that is inherently so inconvenient, so difficult, be convenient for a person?

Well, there are two possibilities: On the extreme end, it’s because they’ve got some kind of a double life that they don’t want you to know about—that (from their perspective) it’s good for you not to know about. Maybe there’s something they don’t want you to know about their lifestyle or the way they live. Maybe they have a relationship already. Maybe they’re married with kids already. There’s something they don’t want you to know and it helps them for you to be far enough away that you never find out about it.

The second and perhaps more common reason is because they are avoidant. They don’t actually want anything serious with anybody. They are not looking for a relationship and it’s a lot easier to maintain these superficial connections with people who are far away, because people who are far away ask fewer questions and feel they have less of a right to ask you for more, because the distance creates a natural geographical excuse. “Oh, you mean so much to me. I have such an amazing time with you. We have something so special. It’s such a shame you’re so far away, and it’s so hard to have a relationship.”

The distance that comes is a convenient cover for their avoidance. Now, let’s look at the woman in this scenario and see which of the three categories she’s in. Is she in the category of thinking someone is just really worthwhile and that’s why she’s having a long-distance relationship? Is she in a scarcity mindset? Or is she someone who’s in this relationship because it’s convenient? Which one do you think it is?

We know it’s not because it’s convenient, because it brings her pain and she doesn’t want to be in a long-distance relationship. She wants to be in a real relationship with this person where she sees him often. So we know it’s not number three. And when I asked her this question, she said, “It’s number one. I’m with this person because he’s worthwhile.”

But when I asked her why he was worthwhile, she described to me all of his amazing qualities and how great their conversations were, and how interesting he is, and just how wonderful she thought he was as a person.

But not once did she describe how he made her feel. So I asked her and she said, “Well, I guess I feel great when I speak to him.”

I said, “No, no, not when you’re speaking to him. In general, how does he and this relationship make you feel? I know it’s not positive, because otherwise you wouldn’t be talking to me.”

She said, “Well, it makes me feel confused.”

I said, “Okay, but beneath that confusion, what do you feel?”

She said, “Frustrated.”

I said, “Frustrated is what I feel when I can’t find my shoes in the morning. This is not frustration. What do you feel at a deeper level?”

Because the truth is what she felt was hurt. What she felt was pain, disappointed that someone she really liked wasn’t in the same place as her. But when we feel hurt like that, confusion is where we go when we don’t want to confront how hurtful a situation is. Confusion keeps us in the game, because as long as we’re confused, we’re still in the game.

And by the way, avoiders thrive on creating confusion, because as long as they can keep you in that state of confusion, they can keep getting what they want. They’re getting their needs met even though you’re getting none of your needs met.

So what is it that if you hear it means that your long-distance relationship is unlikely to work out? Well, it’s if someone gives you a confusing answer to a simple question. The question being something like: “What are we? Where do you see this going? Do you see us as a couple? Are we exclusive?” 

These are all simple questions. When someone gives you confusing answers, that’s a form of misdirection that’s designed to take you away from the very simple truth of this situation.

So when you ask those questions: “What is this thing here that we have?”

If that person says, “Don’t look at that! Look at this rabbit I’m pulling out of a hat! Oh, he’s wearing a tiny hat himself. Look at the flowers coming out of my cane. Aren’t these pretty?”

“I know I know. That’s a good rabbit, but what is this thing over here? What are we again?”

So when I talked to her about all of this, she said, “Well, what do I do? How do I confront him about it?”

And I said, ‘You don’t have to confront him about it. It’s not about confrontation. It’s about taking your power back, and to take your power back, you need to start by owning your needs and what you want. You want a healthy relationship with someone who wants the same things you do, who can give you a simple answer about the fact that the two of you are with each other and only with each other, and that you’re both committed to making the relationship work. It’s as simple as that.” 

So this isn’t a confrontation. It’s a statement. It’s just saying to the person, “Here are my needs. They’re not being met in this situation. And I can’t keep investing in this situation while they’re not being met. So unless you’ve changed your mind about any of this, I’m going to go in a different direction.”

Now that person, at that point, what do you think they’re going to do? If they’re in category number three, they’re going to try to confuse you again. They’ll try to give you a bunch of logic as to why you’re being crazy or “too much” or why you’re overthinking things, and all of that will be designed to keep you in the game.

Your job is not to be distracted by the misdirection, but to see the truth of what’s really going on over here.

Thank you so much for watching. Before you go, make sure you sign up to the 3 Relationships newsletter. What is this newsletter? I believe there are three relationships that determine the quality of our life: our relationship with other people, our relationship with ourselves, and our relationship with life itself.

And I really enjoy writing. So many of you have said to me that you really love my writing. You’re very kind to me in that respect. I’m trying to improve all the time, but you really enjoy learning from me in writing form. So I wanted to do something every single week that was like a private letter from me to you so that we could have a kind of dialogue.

I get replies to this every week. I read the replies. They’re beautiful. A lot of people tell me that there’s so much value in these that it’s amazing to them that it’s free, that is just in a newsletter, but my goal with this was to make something every week that you actually looked forward to as an email so that it gave you a hit of joy every time you saw my name on a Friday, and it was the 3 Relationships newsletter.

So if you’re already signed up and you’re enjoying it, leave a comment and let other people know. If you haven’t signed up yet, go to the3relationships.com and you can sign up right now. I’ll see you in your inbox this Friday. Thank you so much for watching this video. And I’ll see you next week.