You are literally me except I am the guy and my best friend is a woman. We just had this conversation last night, “I don’t want to drag you down with me. Ill never trust anyone in a relationship. Your too important to me. I’m to messed up. I don’t deserve to be happy.”

Dump him. Have some self respect- you obviously stated his crystal clear intentions. Using you for a passport. Stop wasting your time and energy on someone that’s hot and cold, completely disrespectful, and isn’t prioritizing you.

I healed many wounds but not from him helping make this relationship secure and safe but by working to understand what was going on and why I felt this way. And through this relationship I asked myself how a secure attachment would look like from me and if that would change or impacts his reactions. Him being avoidant and me anxious I thought I could have an impact in the relationship where I have control over my own emotional response. Nothing changed…. it just made me realize how bad he made me feel and that was not going to change.

We broke up and I know I stayed too long. The way I saw him at the start was better than how I saw myself. I thought he was confident, had a long relationship before me and thus having a secure attachment style. I thought i was the one needing to adapt being anxious. I thought something was wrong with me, not him…

I have learned so much now on attachment styles and have I known that 3 years ago I would have run, but I was not aware of that. I thought having the best intents were enough. I learned to express my emotions so much better over 3 years because I tried to improve our communication. He had never have a relationship before me where they talked about emotions!! (Big red flag)

But avoidant styles attracts avoidants… and his previous relationship lasted years because they avoided all conflicts. He just found out his ex cheated on him for years with his best friend!! For Years… when i first met the guy I had a bad feeling about him but could not say anything. trust your guts!!

Im glad of the work I did and what I have learned. I did the live retreat in May and since then have dealt with so much from him- learning he had cheated (sexting) (he became a better lover after we communicated about this but my insecurities came back 4 months later as he made less efforts) and only last December I realized he was avoidant because another workshop I did to try again to become a better lover! I know I worked hard to save this relationship. The problem is that I was alone doing so! A secure person dont cheat or seek validation outside! That was mind blowing to me because I was certain I was wrong and he was secure until that time. I took him off his pedestal and then saw him for who he really was. A guy not wanting to evolve or have a real relationship because for him its too much work!!