In today’s video, I share the best ways to move on from a gut-wrenching breakup . . . and my answers may surprise you! (Plus be sure to stay until the end if you’d like to go deeper with me on this topic.)

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Matthew:

. . . And that part of you that is mad and upset and disappointed and frustrated, feels so overlooked by that response to it. It feels so invalidated by that response to it. “So he just gets to go off and be f**king fine and I’m supposed to just go, ‘OK, wish him the best. Keep going, keep moving forward.'”

This clip is taken from my Love Life Club, a private session I did for my members where one of my members on this session asked me a question about how to move on from a particularly painful breakup, and she was wondering, “How do I get over the anger that I feel towards this person for the way that I’ve been mistreated in this relationship?” Anger can be an incredibly corrosive thing and we can hold onto it for a long time and people come along and they give us this atheistic advice like, “You just have to keep going. Living well is the best revenge .” And some part of us feels like we’re not acknowledging what this person has done. They’re really just going to go off and get away with the way they treated me, with everything they did with the betrayals, and I just have to live well as the best revenge. That’s fairness?

Have you felt angry like this? Is there some part of you that feels like there is this terrible inequity in the way that you have had to part ways with someone in a relationship and it’s just not fair what happened to you? If you’re struggling to move on from this watch, this clip, I think you’re really going to enjoy it. This clip would normally be reserved only for my members. It’s a small piece of a much longer session, but I know it’s going to help you today if you resonate with this and stay till the end because I have something to tell you about.

Julia says, “How to forgive and let go after a painful breakup? After a rather ugly end to a 15-year relationship with two great kids I’m wondering how to let go of resentment and anger. Ultimately, I know I have to forgive to let go of those wishes of revenge and the ugly thoughts that come with the fact of being hurt, but in this stage, only to hear that the best thing would be to wish him well just provokes a knot in my belly. How to make small practical steps towards letting this go? How to stop confusing between forgiving, accepting what they did and being OK with what they did?” Thank you so much for this question, Julia. Look, I don’t think that it’s fair for anyone to suggest to you, especially it sounds like this person has really hurt you and done some things that have given you reason to be angry. I don’t think it’s fair for someone to take the position of telling you you should wish him the best.

Who knows? Maybe you’ll arrive there one day. I don’t think today has to be that day. I think today is a day where you have to say to yourself, my responsibility is not to him in wishing him the best. My responsibility is after all the hurt that I have been through to give myself the best. I had years with that person where I perhaps endured more pain than I should have. Where I suffered more than anyone should suffer in a relationship and in the pain of the exit from that relationship and all of the ugliness there, I have been through so much. I deserve some happiness. I deserve some peace. I deserve a rest. I deserve some fun.

What are the things that after all this, after all this pain, all of this ugliness, what are the things that you right now deserve to have? That becomes the reason, that becomes the motivation for not living in a place where you’re thinking about this person all the time. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be angry. Be angry. Feel angry. Feel what you feel. You don’t have to deny your anger. You don’t have to deny . . . One of the big problems we all have is that we’re not good at expressing our feelings about these things. We’re good at complaining about what someone did, but expressing the feeling of I feel so fing angry. I feel so hurt. I feel so betrayed. I feel so disappointed that what the relationship I thought I was in is not the relationship I had or the dream I had of where my life would be did not materialize.

I’m so fing disappointed by life in that way. I’m so disappointed by this person. I’m so deeply angry at this person for how they treated me or for what they made me feel. I’m so deeply hurt for myself that I had to go through that. There’s nothing wrong with expressing those things and the more we can just express not in terms of complaining about someone, “And you’ll never guess what he did after that, and then after all that he did this,” that is complaining about someone and keeping it alive. That’s an unproductive way to keep stoking these same vicious memories we have. If instead we just actually acknowledge our feelings, not what they did, but what do we feel as a result, and we do that in some doses where we use that to express and then to heal having expressed. Like crying, that feeling of crying, Pete Holmes said, “Crying is like throwing up. It doesn’t feel good when you do it, but afterwards you feel better.”

That’s what expressing feelings is like. We express so that we can feel better. So don’t deny yourself those feelings. What you say has almost the tenor of someone who is not . . . You’re almost angry and resentful because you’re being told not to feel your feelings. You’re being told to just keep going and wish him the best and keep moving forward, and that part of you that is mad and upset and disappointed and frustrated, feels so overlooked by that response to it, feels so invalidated by that response to it. “So he just gets to go off and be fing fine and I am supposed to just go, ‘OK, wish him the best. Keep going, keep moving forward.’ ” There’s a part of you inside that, of course, is going to deeply resent that, so allow yourself to feel it. And then in the moments where you’re not feeling that, allow space for a different feeling. And the other feeling is the one where you say, “I deserve, after everything I’ve been through, a good life.”

Whatever that means to me today, it may not mean the same things it meant to me 10 years ago. Maybe I was hanging on to that relationship because I was hanging onto an attraction I had or a fear that I would never be OK alone and now in my life what I value is peace. Now in my life what I value is stability. Now what I value is just my great friendships or my relationship with my kids and the way I’m watching them grow. Or the way that I’m experiencing new things in this period of my life and having adventures and doing the living that I didn’t do then. Somethnig else . . . you can value something else now.

And tell yourself, “I deserve to feel good. I deserve to have a good life, and I’m not going to have a good life if I give more airtime to someone who’s already had more than enough airtime in my life,” because at a certain point what we realize is I could spend my whole life rehashing what this person has done to me, and all it does is rob the good time I have. It allows the bad time to rob the good time. And you don’t owe him anything, but you do owe yourself the good time.

So that’s how we start to move on is we just say, I’m not giving this person the airtime in my mind. I’m not giving them the bandwidth because my future is about me. I am the star of the show and by continuing to think about this person all the time, I’m making them the star of my show and they’ve already had enough of my time. They don’t get any more.

Before you go today, there’s something I want to tell you about. So many of the questions that I have been asked over the last 15 years are about very practical dating issues. “What do I do in this situation with a person? How do I deal with this stage of early dating? What do I say when someone says or does this?” And you know if you’ve been following me for a long time, that I give very practical solutions to those things, but those practical solutions don’t work for a lot of people. Now, why is that? Because underpinning these behaviors that we have and these things that we’re doing that trip us up or sabotage us are much, much deeper belief systems wiring from childhood, from trauma, whether it’s regular trauma or whether it’s CPTSD, complex trauma, we all have these things that have happened in our life that we’re trying to heal from, that we’re trying to overcome.

Some of us don’t even know what it is that created that issue in the first place, but we just know that “‘m not confident. I don’t believe in myself. I don’t think I’m worthy. I keep going for bad people.” It’s like there’s something in our wiring that continuously sabotages us in this area of our life no matter how hard we try, and you may find that that wiring is tripping you up in other areas of your life too. I’m here to tell you that unless we fix that wiring, nothing is going to change. No amount of techniques or tools or resources are going to make the difference until we do the deeper healing on ourselves.

That is exactly the work that I do on the In-Person Retreat, and it’s coming up this October between the 9th and the 15th. It’s a six-day immersive coaching program that I devised 15 years ago now because I knew if I didn’t work on the deeper things that were affecting how people went about their lives and how confident they felt and how worthy they felt, they were never going to have successful love lives. They may have some initial success with their technique, but sooner or later they would always find themselves returning to their center, and if their center wasn’t aligned, if they weren’t feeling good in themselves, then their center was always going to sabotage them.

If you’ve been watching this channel for some time and you enjoy the content, but it’s become very apparent to you that there are some deeper things going on with you, internal barriers and conflicts that are holding you back, this is my invitation for you to come and do the deeper work with me. We are much more full than normal at this stage. We’re over 85% sold out, so this is my invitation to you. If you’re serious and you want one of the remaining seats, come over to MHRetreat.com and join us in October while there’s still the chance. And you and I will get to see each other in person, which will be a delight because maybe for years you have followed me here digitally and we’ve never had the chance to actually be together in the same room, so that would be a very special thing for me. We’ll see you soon. Thanks for watching.

The post How To Get Over Your Ex (When You Still Obsess Over Them) appeared first on Matthew Hussey.

Hey Matt,

I am seeing a guy who I’ve been on and off with for just under a year now, he stays over every few days and we go out occasionally  so I know he definitely likes me but he doesn’t want to seem to commit to a relationship and I do. I’ve asked him a couple of times what he wants to do, but I think he just wants to keep things casual.

So what should I do?

Matt’s response:

Something I really go into detail in during my events is something I like to refer to as “The Male Blueprint”. It’s essentially a mindset many men adopt between the ages of about 18-30. Through the media, TV shows and films, men have grown up to be conditioned into thinking that relationships don’t allow for any freedom, whilst being single comes with all of the adventure and crazy parties that they’ve seen on the screens.

Now of course we know this isn’t really the case, but we need to change his conditioning so he becomes more favourable to commitment. My guess would be that right now, he strolls in and out of your life, as and when he pleases. And whilst this might be hard to hear, if it is the case, you just have to accept that it’s been happening, and it’s up to you to make a change.

To do this, you need every time you see him to get better and better; you need to leave him always wanting more, and you need to demonstrate to him that if he wants to get everything he wants from you, he’s going to have to make a commitment. This isn’t ‘playing hard to get’, it’s being a high-value woman. Once this really sinks in and resonates with him, there will be nothing on his mind but you, and he’ll be craving a real commitment.

Matthew x

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If you have a question about a guy or your current relationship and want Matt’s expert knowledge, just send us a question and we will let you know when it’s been answered on the site.

Do you have a different opinion or want to add something to Matt’s answer? Leave a comment below:

The post What It Means When A Guy Doesn’t Want To Commit But He Likes You? appeared first on Matthew Hussey.

However women are usually so willing to let their friends and family meet their boyfriends; often almost seeming as if the only reason they’re with their guy is to brag about him to their friends, so when I first heard this question I was rather taken back.

From one of my more recent articles about “players” you will have learned that when a guy is reluctant to let a woman into his life, it is often a sign that he is planning on getting in and getting out as quickly as humanly possible – and so should be avoided.

However we never really come to this same conclusion when it’s a girl who is reluctant to let any of her friends meet a guy – and you’d be right in thinking so, especially when he’s a boyfriend as it’s likely to be for completely different reason altogether.

In reality this circumstance might seem really rather odd for a lot of women, and can often cause some unnecessary stress and friction between two friends. Women are typically so against ‘settling’ that any guy that they choose to be with is usually of the highest of caliber’s… So why is she keeping him under wraps?

There is one question that we need to ask ourselves in order to dig a little deeper and gain a better perspective of the situation…

In what way has she acted differently with her previous boyfriends?

There are a number of different paths in which you could potentially answer this question, and different women reading this will have sparked different sudden realizations.

“It’s all because of me!?”

For some women, it’s suddenly dawned on them as they realize that at last years Christmas party, after one too many glasses of punch, they ended up spilling all of their friends childhood horror-stories to their then-boyfriend.

If you are in this predicament where you can accept that the way you behaved around a previous boyfriend was unacceptable, and you know you won’t make the same mistake again, really dramatize what you did with a previous boyfriend and sincerely apologize for doing so. Assure your friend that you’ve matured as a person and that it will never happen again, and that you’d love to meet her newest catch.

“She’s never really had another boyfriend”

Other women reading this may have otherwise dismissively answered the question in their heads before really contemplating it. If she’s never really had a real relationship before, she is likely to avoid anything that could cause the slightest turbulence until the relationship is on more solid ground (and unfortunately introducing friends can be perceived as quite turbulent)

In this case, just be patient and once they’ve built a more solid bond, and your friend is more confident in herself, then you will be allowed to meet him.

“She does this with every guy she meets!”

If she’s behaved in exactly the same way with all of her previous boyfriends then you might just have to accept that she likes to keep her relationships a secret. Unless she’s allowing other people to meet him besides yourself, you know it’s nothing personal, and so nothing to really get frustrated about.

If you’re still insistent on meeting the mystery man, it’s unlikely that you’ll ever get to do so by sheer force. Instead be really relaxed about the whole thing, and if you have a boyfriend yourself, make sure she is getting plenty of contact with him, and soon she will feel obliged to reciprocate.

So there you go, if you’ve been asking yourself “Why won’t she let me meet her guy!?” hopefully now you’ve got an answer. Myself and the whole team always really appreciate your comments and feedback, so if you’ve ever had a friend who has been reluctant to let you meet her man, let us know about it.

The post My Friend Won’t Let Me Meet Her Guy appeared first on Matthew Hussey.

Matthew’s Answer

Hey thanks for writing to us,

Moving in together with someone you love after a substantial amount of time is often the natural next step, and a good test to see if the relationship is as strong as you think it is.

Here are 3 tips to get your relationship strong and keep you from being driven apart.

1. Maintain a certain level of privacy

Moving in together and living in close quarters comes with a minefield of issues surrounding privacy.

Yes, you love each other and know each other intimately but this does not mean you need to see each other on the toilet, pick up each others dirty underwear or witness rituals that should be kept private such as the removal of belly button fluff or the plucking of ingrown hairs!

Outline some boundaries and stick to them.

2. Keep your own lives

Living together does not mean you automatically have to spend every waking moment together.

Make sure you both continue to have lives apart from each other. Go on nights out separately from each other and it also important you let him have time in the house or flat with his friends and that you do the same.

This will help prevent you from feeling stuck with each other and make the time you do spend together more special.

3. Maintain the spark

Don’t let the fact that your living together mean you can take time together for granted.

You don’t want your alone time to always be a night in with dinner and the TV simply because that the easiest way to spend time together. Make an effort to still go on dates together, to dress up for each other and have quality time talking to each other instead if just co-existing without connecting.

The post If We Move In Together Will It Make Us Happier? appeared first on Matthew Hussey.

Matthew’s answer

Unfortunately after a while sex can lose its spark and some men can get a little lazy, especially if they are still getting what they want without having to work for it. But if you had great sex before there is not reason why you cant have it again. Here is some tips for getting your sex life back on track;

1. Don’t give in so easy!

If your guy knows you will always give him oral sex he will take it for granted and wont make the effort to give you the great sex you were having before.

Don’t withdraw intimacy completely but try kissing him and teasing him without giving him oral sex and when he realises he isn’t going to get what he wants without working for it he is very likely to start making the effort again.

2. Remind him of the way things were

When you’re starting to get intimate try a little dirty talk reminding him of some of the times you had great sex previously, the positions you were in and how good it was for you and this will hopefully lead to a repeat performance. (Guys love doing anything if you tell them it turns you on!)

You can also try reminding him of these things over text message before you’re about to see each other so that most of the day he cant help but think about ravaging you.

3. Don’t deliver

If it seems that it’s the only thing getting your man going you could try giving him oral sex.

But! – Make it clear its just foreplay, only indulge him for a couple of minutes then stop and go back to just teasing or kissing him and the frustration will lead to sex that’s good for both of you.

Remember – Sex isn’t just for him its for both of you and men are conscious that they want to turn you on too; you just need to make it clear that only giving oral sex is not doing it for you.

The post What’s The Matter With Him? appeared first on Matthew Hussey.

Matthew’s answer

Relationships at work are difficult to negotiate.

Men want to be taken seriously at work and it may be that the guy your seeing is keeping you secret as he doesn’t want his personal life to be the subject of speculation at his place of work.

He may also be doing this out of respect for you as he doesn’t want you to receive similar attention. When you first start dating its natural for a guy to be cautious about letting you into his life meeting his friends and seeing where he lives until he is sure where the relationship is going.

However this should not be the case for longer then a few weeks and if this continues I advise you to suggest to him the idea of spending time at his house or having a drink with his friends and judge the situation accordingly depending on his reaction.

If he refuses don’t immediately be defensive or accusatory just say in that case you would rather do something without him that evening. If he is worth your time he’ll find a way to let his guard down and include you more in his life.

Until he acknowledges you as his girlfriend you are still available and have not obligation to do the things he wants and it might take him realising this to make more of a commitment.

The post Why Is He Ashamed Of Me? appeared first on Matthew Hussey.

It boils down to this: You are ranking yourself as second-prize!

When you go out with the friend in question, you are probably holding all kinds of destructive beliefs in your head.

Beliefs like:

• “All the guys in the room are attracted to my friend”

Or:

• “Any cute guy that comes to speak to me is only using me to get to her”

As you take on these negative beliefs, you will start acting in ways that are more unattractive to men. You will act more dismissive and closed towards them, be less fun and flirtatious, appear less confident.

In short, you’ll be sabotaging your own success!

Remember, guys are attracted to women who believe they are sexy and comfortable with themselves.

If you’re spending all your time thinking: “I just can’t seduce men like my friend”, you will behave in ways that make guys see you as second-best from the moment they talk to you.

They will be able to feel your insecurity!

If you want to attract men like your friend, you need to consider on a technical level what behaviour she is adopting that you’re not.

• Is she teasing men and being more playful than you are?
• Are you constantly taking the quiet backseat role when you two interact with a group of men?

(If the answer is yes, you need to start approaching men solo and letting her come in the conversation after you’ve been chatting a while).

• Are you getting stuck in the friend zone? – If you want to know how to attract men, remember two of our principles:

1. Building sexual tension – e.g. Through heavy eye contact, touching him on the back of the arm while you point something out to him, touching him lightly on the lower back if he‘s at the bar.

2. Teasing – If he buys an alcopop for example, tease him a bit and tell him he might want to try a beer next time. (just be cheeky and fun with this).

Bottom Line: Shaking off this backseat driver mentality is essential if you want to attract men like your friend!

The post I Can’t Attract Men Like My Friend – Why Not? appeared first on Matthew Hussey.