I fell in love with this man and fought for the love I thought we had as if my life depended on it. I gradually hated myself for it. I was constantly taken aback by the gas lighting which left me feeling worthless, unattractive and practically suicidal. I also found out he had an interest in prostitutes and a very serious addiction to pornography.

I left him and the tirade of abuse via text towards me was breathtaking, to say the least.
It’s only been 9 weeks but the constant torment has left me considering I change my number as these types have a habit of just turning up out of the blue. He also used mobile phones as either a weapon or items to control. As it’s such early days, every time my phone receives a message I think it’s him as he still texts me out of the blue. I’ve not been strong enough to ignore. I have no idea why I’ve blocked and unblocked him which makes things worse.

Hooking up with this man has been one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I wish had realised all this about him earlier but at least it was only two years. I am now speaking to someone about it.

Thank you for this video, the part, ‘both ways, stay or leave, are going to be very difficult but only one has some hope’ particularly helped me.

You cannot quite believe what is happening if you have the unfortunate experience of falling for a person who has this disorder. If I am to see the same signs again with another man I will run and I don’t say this lightly.

How come a man can say he loves you, but he constantly hurt you?

I’m so ashamed to admit,but I was at the verge of a mental breakdown, because my Ex was exhausting me with notorious fights, then promises he changed, and the fairy tales would last for a few days,…but then he would hurt me again, etc.. After each fight, he had periods of ghosting me for several days, and during those days I just wanted to die..

I’m glad I found the strength to leave him for good.

But I still wonder…

Why do we love narcissistic people?

Is there something wrong with those who fall for narcissists?

Cindy,

I believe for some of us our endless caring nature and empathy is an addiction. It’s a good feeling(confidence rush) to help, love, and forgive those people we are close to. The flip side is there are people who will selfishly use that to there advantage.

The fact is they put their own wants and needs before anyone else.
If they can’t do it because it causes friction in their life then they’ll do it secretively. Thus the being ghosted and rollercoaster ride begins.

I was raised with a narc mother which created the need for unconditional love and acceptance. It is easy for others to take advantage of a empathetic character. Therefore easy to fall back into the same type of relationships and we allow the patterns that fail. Hell we enable them 110% until we are depleted of life or they find a better energy source. I had a 13 year marriage and a 10yr boyfriend that kept me as a neighbor because he had 1000 reasons he didn’t want to commit but seen potential in the relationship. To salt it up a-little he never even once told me he loved me. Where was my confidence? I lived alone but was I afraid to be alone. I did not value myself or needs for years.

My point is it looks like MH is right it starts with us loving and respecting ourselves. I am 50 and starting life over again. This time I am starting with building healthy boundaries, base line standards, and confidence. No more unhealthy people pleasing or trying to win over there love by humbly proving my worth. MH says it best “Empathy can and will be used as a weapon against us by some people.”

Hi MH,
Your clips and advice is always great. Thanks for this. You are dead right on all of this. I was married to a covert narcissist for 21 years. He also had an addiction to sneaking and hiding and over time alcohol too. I didn’t figure the sneaking thing out until close to year four ( he was very good at it) and then we started a family and I was very preoccupied with kids and work.
At some point I realized he was no longer my best friend and was very stuck and did not grow except calling him out on bad behavior just made him a better sneak! I resolved that this was how it was, though a great disappointment. I believe strongly that no other person can make or keep you happy. So I took care of myself and found many outlets and endeavors and friends and was happy in spite of the grief of a non attentive husband who gave me gifts he wanted etc. My biggest problem in that stage was a tremendous ability to over function. I have far more energy than the average person, so that came naturally and my empathy cornered me to be overly gracious even when my good graces were abused by him.
One day I discovered he had been abusing our adopted daughter. That was a Rubicon. I had suspected something was amiss but never dreamed THAT. I made him tell the counselor we were seeing and the ball rolled forward into a living nightmare of sorts, but it was just that the nightmare was now exposed. He went to prison – pretty bizarre cause I’ve never known anyone in prison or who committed a serious crime. Our families are all upper middle class and well educated. It was a shock. It was hard for all but a huge relief and a huge relief to be without him. I’m pretty independent and enjoy being alone most of the time. It’s been 17 years, I raised my three children as their only parent. Do I wish for a good man in my life? Well yes. But my life is very happy and I have my dates but haven’t found a good match. No rush.
When you take responsibility for your own happiness and assert boundaries of what is acceptable and unacceptable, the right guy won’t gaslight you. A good partner is a growing one. A person who doesn’t grow can only be …uh dead, right? I had to work on my overfunctioning and learned to be aware of some boundaries with that. Now I use empathy better – it’s a great tool to communicate your wants and needs when your message it might be hard for the other to take.
Thanks for a well done piece and best to all who get stuck with a narcissist. And beware of the covert narcissist. They are a different breed and don’t present the way a regular one does.
Best,
Anna