If you feel stuck in heartbreak—or just need some encouragement to pick yourself up—don’t miss today’s new video. I’ll show you how to stop this breakup from defining who you are, and give you the first step to getting the confidence you need to start again.

Who you’ve been in the past does not define who you are today. You woke up the hero of your life today. Who you’ve been in your past does not define what you can do today.

 You didn’t follow through in the past? Who cares? That was in the past. You have new information now. You’re evolved now. You’re a new person now. You can make different decisions.

 Anytime you go through something difficult, a piece of you dies, but you come through and then a bigger you comes back.

 We have to get this idea out of our minds that who we are is this static thing. At some stage, you did new things, didn’t you?

 At some stage, you did something new that taught you something new about yourself, or you overcame something, or you handled stress that you’d never handled before. You handled grief that you’d never handled before. You dealt with a difficult situation or you dealt with a heartbreak you never thought you’d survive. You did something. You’ve been through things that have changed you.

 We’re afraid of the “old us” dying. We’re afraid of letting go of that, because this new person—this new woman who’s going to come back—what she’s capable of might scare us.

 That might mean doing some new things. That might mean change. So it’s easier to stay where I am. It’s easier to hold on to the old me.

 If we want to get to the next level of our personality—of what we can become—someone who is the hero of our life . . . someone who goes after what we really want . . . someone who stops caring so much what other people think and stops living life by what other people think, we have to start upping the stakes.

 So the only sustainable way to be a certain way is to go out there and say, “This is who I want to be. That’s why I’m doing it, because I can’t get to 90 years old and look back and know that I didn’t spend my life being this person. I’m not kind because I want kind [want to be liked]. I’m not sociable because I want a boyfriend. I’m not generous so that people will think highly of me. I do these things because this is who I want to be, because this is the person I’m going to be proud of in my lifetime.”

The post What You Must Do After a Breakup appeared first on Matthew Hussey.

Angela’s story in this week’s video is one of the most impactful I’ve heard on this subject. I’m so excited for you to see it. If you want to feel more confident in dating (and in life!) you can’t miss this video!

Matthew: 

We all have our personal story about why we are going to struggle to find love, about why we have struggled to find love, about why it’s never going to happen for us in the future. 

And one of my favorite things to do is to dissolve those stories so that we can finally go out there and get what we deserve in this area. This is a story I wanted to show you that can give you hope and a new belief in your love life. 

As you watch this story with one of my favorite people in the world, I want you to think about the story you’ve been telling yourself about why you’re not going to find love. And see if by the end of this story, you don’t feel a little bit lighter with it. 

Matthew (at prior Retreat):

And there was this one person on this program (Live Retreat) who called me up a couple of months back because she’d had some things happen in her life since that program. And when she made that call, I heard it and I went, “You’ve gotta come back. You’ve gotta come back. And I need you to tell other people what you’ve done, because wow.”

And so she came back this time. And I’m going to bring her up here. And we’re just going to spend five minutes just talking about what she has done since, because her story is a very, very interesting one and so relevant to all of us. 

So, Angie, where are you? Oh, there she is. Okay. Give it up for Angela, everybody. How you doing? 

Angela:

Now, that was eight or 10 years ago now?

Matthew:

Wow, was it that long ago?

Angela:

Yeah, and I haven’t aged a bit.

Matthew:

You haven’t. 

So you came on that program. And I remember, maybe a good place to start is I know there was a big event in your life. Let’s fill people in on that, because I feel like that gives us context for everything we’ll say after that.

Angela:

So as you can see, or you may not be able to see, I wear a prosthetic. And quickly, my story is that I was 23 and I was making my way home from work and life was great. I was with friends, I had the job I loved, and in a moment, everything changed. I sadly was hit by a drunk (and drug) driver. And when he hit me in a van at 70 miles per hour, I was injured for life. 

The injuries I have now happened at that moment. And the hardest thing was when my leg was taken from the impact of the vehicle, the driver stood over me and he walked away. 

And this is what led me to Matthew, because being in hospital and getting told, “You’re injured, you’re not going to walk again, you’re not going to live independently again . . . We don’t know if you’re going to be able to eat by yourself or dress yourself.”

I defied that. I made sure when I left the hospital that I would walk again. I walked in crutches, but that was good enough. But my self-worth was on the ground. And there was nothing around me and there was nothing there that showed me how to put that together. So I went onto YouTube and saw one of Matthew’s earlier videos. I mean that in a nice way, of course, and he was in a park in . . . was it London? 

Matthew:

Yeah. It was in Berkeley Square. And I remember the video . . . nowadays we have Jameson, but then, I was sat on a bench just filming myself. And it wasn’t on an iPhone. It was on like an old Sony camera. 

Angela:

And it was about core confidence. And I knew . . . I read what confidence was, you know, you read in the magazines or your friends tell you, “Be more confident.” 

But I knew my confidence was on the ground more than most, because the thought that was left with me was, “How am I worthy if somebody could walk away and leave me?” So I clicked on the video. I watched it. I wrote every word down: what core confidence is, what the levels are . . . I’ve done the same as you guys and I still do the same thing. I watched the videos. I learned everything from it. 

And one of the biggest things that you ladies have taught me is we share the same thing. We just get what you’re saying, Matthew. So I went on your website. You were doing an event down in London and it was about confidence, wasn’t it? 

And then I went to speak to Matthew, and again, he was bouncing from one side to the other. And it was amazing and the ladies I met there are the ladies who went to the Retreat in Florida. And we’re still friends to this day. The journey that we’ve experienced, we’re still experiencing, and I’m still tapping into Matthew’s work today because I still want to go to that next level.

Matthew: 

So that kind of brings us to the Retreat, because I remember a very specific moment on the Retreat that you reminded me of. At the home in Florida where we held it, there was a mini movie theater. And Angela pulled me to one side and said, “Hey, you know, let’s have a chat.”

We went into the movie room. We sat down, one-on-one, and she . . . and you can tell me if I’m paraphrasing correctly, but you had mentioned to me that when you were on a date, the monologue that was constantly going through your mind was, “He’s not going to want me because I’m missing a limb.”

Angela:

Pretty much, yeah.

Matthew: 

What happened next?

Angela:
Before you got to that point, we sat in silence, and you said, “I’m going to sit here until you tell me what it is.” And I sat there and then I crossed my arms in defiance. I was like, “I’m not saying,” and I couldn’t say, because I felt so sad about that. I couldn’t say it because it’s a guy sitting in front of me, like, can I say the one thing that’s on my mind? 

And you just sat defiantly and you were like, “We’re going to sit here all day.” It was like . . . that pain. My Scottish stubbornness was coming out quite badly. And in my head, I was thinking, “He has to see other ladies. So the more you sit there, the more you’re stopping him from going to talk to the ladies and allow them to have their moment and to talk about things.”

But I just sat. I just couldn’t see it. And then you said, “There’s nothing I haven’t heard before.” Just like you’ve said this week. And I said it. I think I blurted it out.

And you, Matthew, just said, “And what?”

Just those simple words, “And what?” and all the things I’d been carrying with myself was like, “Oh, you’ve been carrying this? You’ve built up this big picture.” And it was like, “And what?”

Matthew:

I remember saying to you . . . I remember looking at you and saying, “How arrogant are you?” You remember that?

Angela:

I started laughing, yeah. Cause I would never have thought of it that way.

Matthew:

I said, “How arrogant are you? And you went like this . . .” (Big eyes)

And then after, like, 30 seconds, you just died laughing.

And as you were laughing, I said, “What? You need everyone to want you? Like everyone you go on a date with has to fall in love with you and choose you? No one can reject you? Who are you? No one’s allowed to say, ‘I don’t want you’? How arrogant is that?”

And you started laughing and said, “I know, that is arrogant!” And it was this . . . this moment that . . . I remember that moment because of the phone call that you gave me. 

By the way, I also remember a moment where we were in the kitchen . . . ?

Angela:

Also, just to give you a heads-up here, this is pretty much the first time I’m wearing a skirt with my legs out.

It was my mom at the back, and some of you might know my special story with my mom . . . she’s always given me the confidence to get out there and share it. And here I am. But I’m digressing. So when I went to Florida, it was all about long dresses, and some thin cardigan to hide my arm. And I thought it was like a fashion statement I was going with, but looking back, I was actually covering up—covering insecurities, covering everything I could possibly do. And that morning, I went down to the kitchen, and I’m trying to catch up with everybody else. And remember Steve’s in the kitchen. I remember Matt’s mum’s at the top of the table making sure everybody’s okay, and Matthew came down and I just went (whoosh). I fell and my skirt went up. 

And I was like, “Oh no, hopefully my pants don’t show.”

But I was more worried about my leg showing. I was more worried about that insecurity—that thing you were talking about this week, Matthew. The thing that’s holding you back, the thing you don’t want to talk about, the thing that’s just there.

But when you start talking about it . . . oh my God, your life will go like this (expansive arms). It’s taken me . . . since the Retreat, 10 years. I took on this stuff and then I kind of debated, like I’ll take this little bit, but maybe not that little bit. I’ll take this little bit maybe not that little bit. Some of it worked, some of it didn’t, and as time was going on, I was like, “Yeah, this is taking a bit longer than everybody else.” And then I thought, “Let’s just do all of it.” And with all of it, again, my life opened up. And this story was the recent phone call that I shared with you. 

Matthew: 

So tell everyone what you told me, because this was one of the greatest phone calls I’ve had in these last two years.

Angela:

Could I share something about your mum before that? So when I fell, and made kind of a scene, she came over to me and she picked me up, and she could see that I had spilled something on my dress. And she said, “You go upstairs, get dressed, come back down, and I’ll wash your dress.” 

She washed my dress by hand and she hung it up, and just by doing that little thing, like, feeling embarrassed and feeling so awkward, just by that beautiful action that she’d done, and it’s not a big deal, but it touched me and it still touches me to this day.

And as Matthew says, that’s who his mum is, and the next day I wore the dress again because of his mum, so thank you. I’m digressing, sorry. So the thing was, leading up to this information I was going to share with Matthew was. . . 

The Get the Guy techniques . . . the techniques that he shares with you today . . . if that was me 10 years ago, and this is now, your life is going to be even better than mine.

I met a guy, and the first date was good. We met for a couple hours, caught up. On the second date, as Matthew said, I just put it all on the table. Just told him. Got it over and done with. 

And I was so worried when I was going to tell this guy what my accident was and what scars I’ve got and what I wear. And he turned around and he said the same thing as Matthew: “And what?”

I knew then that this was the man for me. Was it because of what Matthew said that this man had said this? Probably. But also what Matthew had taught me about myself.

When I was sharing this with my date, I remember before meeting up with him, thinking, “If he doesn’t like me for who I am, then stuff it. Like, I’ll just keep going. My worth doesn’t depend on that.”

So the Get the Guy stuff, that works. And if I’m standing here and you can see what I wear, my scars, the insecurities . . . any insecurities you’ve had, I’ve had it. Seen it. Done it. Got the picture. If I can get that, you can certainly get that. 

And then a few months later, we went to St. Andrews, which is a beautiful place in Scotland. So we went on holiday and he booked the honeymoon suite and no one had ever done that for me and I was like, “Wow, this is amazing.” 

He said, “Oh, it just so happened that at the hotel, this was the only room they had.”

I was like, “Wow, amazing.”

And then we went out for something to eat and he’s really nervous. He was shaking and at one point, he literally said, ‘You want to try this?” And when he was holding it toward me, it went and hit someone. It was that bad and I was thinking, “I’ve still got it.”

And in St. Andrews, it’s a beautiful place up there, beautiful scenery, and I was like, “Yeah, let’s walk under the stars. Beautiful.”

And then he said, “Close your eyes, I’ve got a surprise for you.” 

And I was like, “Okay.” And I’m closing my eyes and it’s five minutes later and I’m thinking, “I’m going to get murdered.” I’m thinking the worst. 

And walking on sand with heels and a prosthetic leg is really difficult. So I’m going down to the sand and I’m trying to walk sexy, but slipping, but he thought it was cute. It wasn’t really. And then I just was like, “Wow, this is so beautiful. And look at everything you can see,” and then I said, “What are you doing down there?” And he proposed and six months later we were married. Because of you.

I’ve got two more things to share. Just don’t want to take all your time up.

Matthew:

You can run the day today.

Angela:

I think my nerves have kind of disappeared now because I’m super excited now that I’m sharing this with you girls. You see, all week, I’ve wanted to tell you things. I’ve wanted to come and sit with you, but I’ve kind of had to stay a wee bit closed in case I slipped up and shared this. Cause I’m a bit of a gab.

So another thing that I shared with Matthew was my story. The thing I couldn’t speak about, the thing that caused me the most torment, the thing I was scared about, again this thing that was holding me back . . . Matthew got it out of me. 

I’ve now started my own charity (https://triumphoverinjury.com/home) and I now help families and children who have been harmed by drunk and drug drivers. But I wouldn’t have been able to do that if I hadn’t experienced the Retreat. 

I wouldn’t have experienced that if I hadn’t listened to the wonderful elephant presentation here. Or Matthew’s mum’s love and affection . . . like, the way that she has with people. I am like that now when I go and visit families, you know, just with a touch. And my beautiful mum in the corner as well, like her kindness and compassion and beauty and always being there for me. You know, I feel very lucky. 

But it took all this time to get here. I need to show you something. So one of the saddest things about being in the accident was being told that, “This is not going to happen for you. You’re not going to have your life.”

It’s like Matthew was talking about . . . the moment you imagine looking back at your life, and you don’t have the people around you or you don’t have the things that you want. And I was told because of the severity of my injuries that I was never going to have a child. 

Imagine that you’ve always wanted to have a family and have a child, and to have that taken away from you . . . 

How do you console yourself? I didn’t think I could, and luckily I’ve got the love of my lovely husband now and things like that, but Matthew wanted me to come out and talk at Christmastime, and sadly, I had to go back into hospital for another operation. And my operation . . . it was really hard . . . in fact, it was life-changing. 

I want you to see what your love and care during the Retreat has brought . . . 

So we’ve got a wee baby girl now. 

I hope nobody told you and spoiled the surprise.

Matthew:

How did you not tell me that on the phone?

Angela:

It was really hard. I did say to you I had work, and I did have work, but I didn’t know if it would be safe to travel and all that.

Matthew:

What’s her name?

Angela:

Hannah. And she’s so cute.

It’s like sometimes I look at her and I just think, “Wow, I carried you. Amazing.”

What I want to share with you, and I hope you can all hear this . . . Like, if you’re coming to the Retreat or doing the Get the Guy thing and you’re thinking, “I’m just not getting it. I don’t have my goals or I don’t have this . . .” Or you may be thinking, “This is what I want to do.” 

It’s funny how things just change. But they’ve changed because you’ve had this experience, and I’m not any different from you. My scars are different, my life experiences are a bit different. But I’m just like you, I’m just one of the girls. And I came from Scotland, two flights away, I dragged my mum here, she’s now sunburned. Sorry, sorry, it’s a lovely suntan. 

I came this week because I want to tell you that this works. I was trying to think of a beautiful quote or something like that. But it’s simply that this works. There’s no sugarcoating it. There’s no putting a pretty bow on it. If you want your life to be better . . . sometimes I started out thinking I wanted to go in this direction, then this took me to this direction. 

But I have fulfillment in my life in all areas. I know that I’m going to have dips, but I’ve got tools now. I feel boosted and I’ve got even more tools for my self-esteem and my confidence. 

But I know what I’ve learned from you, I’m going to teach Hannah. And what an amazing little girl she’s going to turn into.

So I want to say thank you for listening. Thank you, Pauline. Thank you, Steve, for your amazing elephant. And of course my mum. I love you. But the trailblazer . . . Matthew. Thank you.

Matthew:

Ladies, please can we . . . because Angela did not need to come here this week, but she has for us. Can we please give her a huge round of applause?

Give it up for Angela, everybody!

I will always remember having coached Angela. She remains one of my dear friends today. Here’s where you can go and support Angela’s cause if you want to (https://triumphoverinjury.com/home), because she’s doing amazing work right now alongside bringing up her beautiful family.

If you want to go through the same process that transformed Angela’s life, you have that opportunity in just three weeks. This I think is pretty much the final call for the Live Retreat in 2023. It’s happening from the 9th of October until the 15th. It’s the same six-day process—albeit improved over many years—that Angela went through that changed her life and enabled her to find love. 

And you can now experience it for yourself. Go to MHRetreat.com to get your space now. We’re down to the last handful, so this is it. Don’t lose any more time. Come join us and we’ll see you in Florida in just a few weeks.

The post Doomed to Never Find Love? This Will Change Your Story appeared first on Matthew Hussey.

The deepest work I ever do with people takes place during my In-Person Retreat, but trying to describe that experience in a few words has always been challenging because it encompasses SO MUCH. So I wanted to take you behind the scenes with this mini-documentary, which shows you what happens on each day of the event.

Get ready to put yourself in the shoes of some of the incredible women who attended our last Retreat, and hear the stories of how they’ve been able to find reserves of strength, resilience, and hope they didn’t even know they had.

It’s my wish that as you watch this video, it will be like a mini Retreat for you today—inspiring you to take on the rest of your week. (And be sure to leave me a comment once you watch!)

Transform Your Relationship With Life in 6 Magical Days.
Learn More About The Matthew Hussey Retreat . . .
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Jameson:

How do you go from giving dating advice to talking about the deepest questions in life?

Matthew:

I think we live more in one week here than people do in six months. Easily. Easily. And I see people come alive because of that. I see people who have lost a sense of community in their everyday lives, who see what community can be like here. I see people who struggle to be vulnerable in their lives, get vulnerable on a level that they haven’t been in a long time, reveal things about themselves to brand new friends that even the closest people in their lives don’t know. And of course it’s challenging. The funny thing about the Retreat, is it’s not escapism. We don’t get to escape anything on the Retreat. It’s the opposite; we have to deal with everything.

But we find a way to deal with even the most difficult things amongst play, and levity, and fun, and such a sense of romance. And such a love for life.

Leanne:

The whole week has blown my mind, Jameson. The content, the creativity, the immersiveness.

Marcella:

I don’t remember when was the last time that I cried like that, like waterfalls.

Kristen:

This week, the connections, the energy, the compassion.

Asia:

You have to go through it to know. I think you can’t explain, just be ready to learn a different way of being, a different way of seeing the world, and mostly a different way of seeing your inner world.

Jameson:

If you could go back in time to the beginning of the week, what would you tell yourself to expect this week?

Lila:

Gosh. To have your mind blown.

Matthew:

The day before the Retreat, I always spend just focusing on how to begin the process with people, because it’s going to be such a weighty five days in so many ways, and there’s no perfect way to start it. We’re all going to arrive at the same place at the end of it, but where’s the best place to start when you’re working on transforming someone’s life?

Anyone can get the front of house right, but what does it look in the details? What does it look on the things that people might not see, but you do it anyway? They may not even notice, most people won’t notice that detail, but you do it anyway. A, because you are proud of it and that’s your standard. And B, because the ones that do, it will knock them sideways to realize that we care that much. This is not one person who got us all here. This is everybody on the team who got us here, and it’s a lot of work just to get to this point where it’s a ton of work, starting today. It’s a ton of work just to be in a position to be able to do this program that we all love so much. So, thank you to all of you for getting this.

I suppose the expectation with anything like this, is that you’re going to go into a seminar room and you’re going to follow this self-development program that’s going to be just a series of modules that are designed to help you with your life. What people don’t anticipate until they get here, and what can’t even be explained fully until people get here, is that they are entering a world.

We could have a very logical event, where we sat here and we did goal setting, and we worked out all the things we want to achieve in our life, and I gave you a bunch of practical tools. But there are lots of people who can do that. Not all of them as well as me though. This is more than that. It’s your part of a story, and stories have emotion. And there’s a reason that we, as human beings, respond to story. We learn through story, we change through story. It’s not about just going somewhere and getting a bunch of logical information. You could have done that in a book.

You came here because it’s an immersive experience. This model is designed to work with your logical core and your emotional core, and bring them together. When they talk to each other, that’s when you can get yourself to do something. And this is one of the key things that I want us to start to get to today, is an acceptance. An acceptance of where we are right now, because it is one of the most powerful things we can all do. We’re all fantastic at having our functioning face to the rest of the world. And we also have our way, directly or unconsciously, of pretending that we are further along than we are.

And the thing about life, is it doesn’t actually care whether you’re pretending or not, it doesn’t score any points with life. If you say to life, “I’m going to pretend I’m fine.” Life says, “Okay, I’ll see you in five years. I’ll see you at the end of this relationship. I’ll see you in the health problem that comes about because you’re ignoring this. I’ll see you at the breaking point when all of this gets too much and you have a meltdown.” Life will just meet you further down the line. People may believe you, but life doesn’t care, and the only thing that matters to our suffering, is what’s the relationship we have with life?

Jameson:

How do you go from giving dating advice to talking about the deepest questions in life?

Matthew:

I don’t think that dating, or people’s love lives, is nearly as separate from everything else as people think.

Jameson:

And do you remember when you first came across Matthew?

Asia:

Yes, I remember really well. I had a boyfriend for 10 years, and then I got back on the market. And I felt like I didn’t know how to date.

Leanne:

Do you know what? It was probably about three years ago. I was in a pub and someone just mentioned Matthew. And I’ve read the book, How to Get The Guy.

Marcella:

A friend of mine referred me to one of his videos.

Dr Phil:

His advice reaches over 8 million followers weekly, and his YouTube videos have been viewed a few times, 300 million to be exact.

Marcella:

And then, I really liked the guy. It was just someone so down to earth, someone that I would feel so comfortable probably having a cup of coffee or tea.

Jen:

And I can tell you the video that spoke to me, I’m telling you, I watch it all the time. If there was some kind of count, because it puts me there. At the very end, he’s with Dr. Ruth.

Matthew:

I think that’s actually a very important point, is that it’s okay to be disappointed that someone didn’t turn out to be the person that you needed. But what you mustn’t do, is grieve as though they were the one.

Dr Ruth:

Right. A very good point.

Matthew:

It’s a big distinction.

Dr Ruth:

You are a good psychologist. I’ll give you a diploma of a psychologist.

Matthew:

I say good things sometimes.

Jen:

And so, even though this person, to me, always has been the one, when it finally came down to it, I was like, “I have to stop grieving him like he’s the one.”

Leanne:

The bit that really resonated for me, was not about the How to Get the Guy bit. To start off with, that was fun. And then, it was only after listening to the podcast that it became a much more apparent to me that it was just about loving life.

Matthew:

There are three relationships in life. There’s the relationship you have with a significant other, or just other people in general. There’s the relationship you have with yourself. And then, there’s the relationship you have with life itself. And ultimately, those are three relationships you’re always going to be in, in one form or another. How you approach and manage that relationship is key to everything, to your happiness. The Retreat is still about relationships, but it pivots away from just romantic relationships to what is your relationship with yourself? And what is your relationship with life and its challenges and its hardships? And what’s going on for you in your life right now?

There are magic seekers in life, and magic creators. And the magic seekers are never happy. You may have a goal that you want to find a relationship, but life can’t wait until that point. You may have a goal that you want to find a career that’s more fulfilling than the one you’re in right now, but life can’t wait until that point, and it doesn’t mean you should wait to bring soul to what you do now. Bring soul to what you do now even while you’re looking. And when you do that, surprising things might even happen where you are.

Monica:

Matthew talks about what goals are. And then, that it’s not a five-year goal or a three-year goal, it’s setting yourself small steps. And the whole process of goal setting is completely different from almost any other program that I’ve been through. What you get out of it is a sense of who you are in the process of finding who you’re going to be.

Marcella:

The energy from today was wow. Overpowering the room.

Matthew:

Gaining back the hours, gaining back the days, gaining back the weeks, gaining back the years, and resolving not to waste a single one in your precious, precious life.

Asia:

It’s caring, it’s kind. It’s full of love, it’s full of humanity, it’s full of compassion, and it just gets you into a positive, powerful state of being.

Jameson:

If you could come to the Retreat for the first time as an attendee, what do you think you’d be feeling right now?

Matthew:

I think urgency. I’d be feeling urgency. I would become intimate with the urgency in my life of doing the things that I needed to do, of being the way that I wanted to be.

Kelly-Anne:

I was desperate. Desperate for help. I was brutally assaulted by my ex-husband. He got prison time. I was receiving counseling, but it wasn’t enough. I thought maybe I could learn something from this Matthew guy.

Matthew:

What’s your name?

Kelly-Anne:

I’m Kelly-Anne.

Matthew:

Kelly-Anne. Of course, you’re Kelly-Anne. We’ve spoken before, have we not?

Kelly-Anne:

Yes, on the Virtual Retreat last year, September.

Matthew:

So, you were on the Virtual Retreat last year in September, and what happened?

Kelly-Anne:

I was suffering, was, with chronic depression, complex PTSD, and Acrophobia.

Matthew:

And that was preventing you from . . . You were barely going outside, right?

Kelly-Anne:

I wasn’t going outside.

Matthew:

Even that conversation we had on the Virtual Retreat, I seem to remember you were in bed.

Kelly-Anne:

I was.

Matthew:

Yes.

Kelly-Anne:

I was in my bedroom, in my safety zone.

Matthew:

Yeah.

Kelly-Anne:

After that Retreat, that was a life-changing event for me.

After I spoke to him, one-to-one, I don’t know . . . Well, I do know where it came from, but the courage within me just soared. And I put my shoes on, and I went outside for the first time in six months. I’ve got two grandchildren I haven’t seen in Australia. And I’m so desperate to get over there and give them a hug. And that was my first step. Matthew put me on that path.

And Matthew said, at the end of our lengthy one-to-one, that he would actually lose his shit if I came here today.

Lila:

I believe in toolboxes. That everybody have the saying, that everybody has their own toolbox. And depending on what’s in your toolbox depends on what you can build. And so, I’m just really excited about the additions to my toolbox that I’m going to walk away with from this experience.

Marcella:

For someone that has been trying to understand why it’s been so hard to point out certain things in my life for, I don’t know, let’s just say 30 years. To do that in four days? That has been super surprising for me.

Matthew:

Because here’s the thing, this is you. This is somebody else. You do something. Let’s say that’s action A. They have a reaction, let’s call that B. So you, action A, is a standard, a new standard you have. That standard gets tested, consciously or unconsciously, sometimes even by people that love us the most. I’m not just talking about toxic or narcissistic people. Sometimes the people that love us the most push back on new standards we have, because it threatens them. It forces them to grow or reevaluate something they think, it makes them feel bad about themselves.

So, they test it with B. How seriously we are taken in any change in human dynamics depends on C, our reaction to their reaction. Our reaction to their reaction. I have spent 15 years watching the terrible things that people endure in relationships, both romantic and otherwise, and the ways that they stay in them. Not just for way longer than they should, but many people never leave. They never readjust their standards, they never change the nature of the relationship or say goodbye to it. And even when they are given things they could do, because those things remain tactics, not standards, they cannot stick to them, because they are not underpinned by a deeper level of worth and self-love.

Jameson:

How are you feeling?

Leanne:

Just, I’m waiting for something to happen. But when I say nothing’s happened, that’s a load of shit, but I think I’m almost waiting for some tears of some sort, or for some realization to happen. I’m waiting for a light bulb moment and it’s not . . . it’s not there yet. A lot of my friends would probably say that . . . they’d probably describe me as one of the most driven people that they’ve ever met. And they probably would also say, alongside of that, “You’re really fucking hard on yourself.” And people tell me consistently, “You’re really hard on yourself, and you don’t give yourself a break.”

And I do often think that I’m not good enough and I don’t do enough work. I could hear people bawling their eyes out, literally bawling their eyes out. I felt pretty much nothing. And I almost felt a sense of guilt that I wasn’t feeling what maybe I should have been feeling from that.

Matthew:

Unconditional self-acceptance. Unconditional self-acceptance. I need you to know that this relationship with yourself has to be seen a very different way than most of us have been seeing it our whole lives. I heard the line, I think it was Jack Kornfield that said, “Your compassion towards people is incomplete if it does not extend to yourself.” And yet we go through life not looking after ourselves, just hating on ourselves.

The final exercise I want to take you through is going to emotionally connect us with this truth. Here’s the paradigm, here’s the model. Now we need to ingrain it, now we need to cement it.

Marcella:

I had no expectation going into day five. I was like, “Okay, what else can we do? I feel like we’ve done it all.” And then day five was like, “Well, you thought that he had done it all.”

Leanne:

I felt like that was the change that I was been waiting for all week. The whole week has blown my mind, Jameson. The content, the creativity, the immersiveness. I’m so interested in personal development and the psychology behind it anyway, that the content was blowing my mind, but because of the lack of emotion that I was feeling, I felt really frustrated at the beginning of the week. I used to call myself fat and ugly quite a lot. I used to have a very negative relationship with myself in that way. And I really felt that yesterday in the exercise of, “I can’t believe you told yourself that for so many years.”

I feel like a weight’s been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I’ve got work to do, but I’ve identified the work that I need to do in the right places. God knows what’s going to happen in the next few months, honestly. I’m scared for myself, because I thought if I’ve achieved what I’ve achieved with just me not liking myself, if I’ve now got me and my little best friend in tow . . . Fuck. The world is, yeah, going to take it over, basically.

Asia:

It was overwhelming, even talking about it gets me all emotional. I don’t know how many times I almost cried, because I was so grateful that I was here. We’re dancing, Matthew’s talking, everybody’s . . . And I’m like, “Wow, this is so awesome.” I’m so grateful to myself that I gave this gift to myself.

Jameson:

What would you tell someone who was considering coming on a Retreat?

Kelly-Anne:

Come. I would say to anyone, if you’ve got the chance to empower your own life, then do it. And I just can’t thank you all enough. You’ve put me on the right track. Now I’m here to continue along that track.

Asia:

I’d say do it. Everybody needs to do this. Everybody needs to come.

Leanne:

Do it. Do it, 100%, it’s the best money I’ve ever spent.

Jameson:

What would you tell someone considering coming on the Retreat?

Monica:

Do it. No matter where you are.

Celeste:

I would say do it. No matter where you are in your life, there’s always something that you can pick up. And I talked to so many young ladies. I have so many new daughters and granddaughters.

Monica:

But she’s still mine. All right? It’s mine.

Celeste:

I would tell them don’t even think about it. Just go ahead and do it.

Monica:

And if you can get it together, whether they want to come or not. I didn’t ask her to come, she assumed she was coming, so we ended up working that out. But go with a family member. And if you can get your mom, do it, because it changes a whole lot of the dynamics, you get to learn who that person is in a whole different light, and love them even more.

Celeste:

That’s right, baby doll.

Monica:

That’s right.

The post Dating Advice That Will Change Your Entire Life appeared first on Matthew Hussey.

But over the years, I’ve found that all it takes is something that is a MUCH more achievable goal . . . In this video, I’ll give you the truth about what you need to do when looking for love so you can find the right person for you without needing to be perfect!

Transform Your Relationship With Life in 6 Magical Days.
Learn More About The Matthew Hussey Retreat . . .
TAP HERE

Matthew:

You know, when you have enough money, it’s “F-You Money,” you can say no to anything you don’t want to do. Well, I think there’s such a thing as “F-You Confidence.” You don’t need to be happy before you find a relationship, you just need to be happy enough. We are going to do an awful lot of healing with the right person. And I want to give you three potential ways of looking at this, three things you could do.

When people say, “You have to be happy before you meet somebody, before you find a relationship. You have to be complete. You have to be fulfilled,” does any part of that grate on you? Because it does for me. It’s hard enough, by the way, to be on your own when you want to find someone without being then kicked in the head with, “You know, you really need to be happy before you find someone.” Usually said to us, by someone who’s in a relationship, who wasn’t happy when they met someone, whose life did get better by meeting someone.

So I have some good news for you today. You don’t need to be happy before you find a relationship, you just need to be happy enough. Happy enough. Why is happy enough so important? Because you want to be happy enough that you don’t settle for the wrong thing. You want to be happy enough that if you find the right thing, but that person ends up treating you badly, you can walk away from it. You want to be happy enough that the right thing doesn’t become your everything.

I actually really don’t like the idea that we have to be completely happy, and enlightened, and have everything figured out, and that’s when the right person comes along. I think that’s nonsense.

Love Life Club Member:

Who even is that?

Matthew:

Who is that? We are always working on something. We’re always going through some new problem, some new stage in our life that we weren’t ready for, and we are going to do an awful lot of healing with the right person. In fact, I would argue that the right person is partly defined by the person that is the greatest catalyst for that healing. You can begin to heal with that person, you can be soothed with that person in a way that maybe you haven’t been able to be in the past. And because you’re with someone where there’s a real safe environment, that’s created for growth and for healing, you kind of relax. You drop your shoulders, you’re not holding on so tight, and you start to become more of who you can be. So I prefer, rather than thinking we have to be happy before we find someone, I prefer the idea that we have to be happy enough before we meet someone.

The challenge is how to enjoy the journey along the way whilst it’s not happening. And we have to go from basing our happiness around getting the result, around meeting the person, to expanding our lives in pursuit perhaps . . . Or not even in pursuit of, that makes it sound like that’s the only goal. We have to expand our lives knowing that meeting the right person may be a byproduct of expanding our lives. And I want to give you three potential ways of looking at this. Three things you could do.

One way to expand our lives is to look at the needs that we have to meet every week. For me, I need to meet the need for learning new things, that’s like a real basic need for me, is that I want to learn more, I’m curious and I always want to be learning. I have the need to train. I like training, I like working out, I like staying in shape, so I have that need. I have the need for connection with other human beings. What’s a way to meet those needs that is outside my comfort zone or just something that I don’t normally do?

In January, my friend Lewis Howes, he invited me to go do that ice retreat with Wim Hof for 5 days, with a group of 10 guys. Absolutely not my cup of tea, not something I would do for enjoyment, jumping into frozen lakes and doing 10-minute ice baths, that is not my idea of a good time. Although, I did have an amazing time and I’m so glad I went. I could have said to Lewis, “You know what? I know this is going to be great for me and it’s good physical exercise, but I’ve got Jujitsu that week, and that’s the thing I always do, that’s my routine. I’m just going to stick to that.”

Sticking to that can be a major limitation. And doing that retreat with those guys has led to a completely new friendship group in my life as a result. And, of course, a new set of skills, new knowledge, new neural pathways, it has so many benefits, but it’s led to the new. Ask yourself, “What way of meeting my old and consistent needs could lead me to the new?” I’m still meeting my needs, but I’m meeting them in different ways than I’ve become accustomed to.

Number two, start saying yes to the invites of people that you don’t normally say yes to. So that you’re not just hanging around the same people all the time. When that person you don’t see that often says, “Hey, this thing’s going on, if you wanted to come.” Instead of being like, “Oh, no, I . . . Yeah, I don’t know. I’m kind of busy,” actually say, “Yes.” I know it’s uncomfortable, I know it can be a bit difficult to go and be a part of something where you don’t know anybody, but that’s where new friendship groups come from. Explore a new world through somebody else. And if no one is inviting you to do something new right now, then you go to someone you don’t know that well and invite them to do something new. Be the leader in the process. Take the lead.

And number three, the 90-Minute Challenge. Let me explain this. Travel I think is one of the greatest ways to expand our lives. The 90-Minute Challenge is find the adventure, find the way that you can be a tourist within a 90-minute driving radius of where you live. Have you ever had that experience of going and doing something close to where you live and going, “I can’t believe this exists within an hour or an hour and a half of my house? I never knew this was here. This is beautiful. This is stunning. This is amazing”? Go do that thing. Now look, I’m not saying that when you go do that thing, you’ll meet the right person there, right? You may go there and there’s no one there. That’s not the point.

The point is to expand. The point is to enlarge your world. If in the next three years you don’t meet anyone as a result of doing this, there is nothing that I’ve talked about that you will regret. You will still look at those three years as three of the most amazing, beautiful, mind-expanding, world-expanding, friendship-expanding years of your life. But I also believe that if you take this approach to life, that it makes meeting someone as close to inevitable as possible. Do not allow your life to contract. Make a commitment to expansion so that you can be one of those people who can be happily single, but also hopeful of who might come.

Here are the three components to being happy enough. Three circles that form a Venn diagram. These three circles when they all intersect create happy enough. One part is your communication. If you think about it, all of the Get-The-Guy programs that I’ve created over the years are about creating great communication. How do you, with the person you’re trying to attract, communicate your value? How do you communicate your needs, and how do you communicate your standards and expectations? Once you’ve learned this language, you’ll always know how to handle situations, good or bad, in your love life, or indeed in any of your relationships. So communication is a competence that we need to learn.

The next one is confidence. Now this entails your relationship with yourself. What do you see as your value? How do you treat yourself, and how do you allow others to treat you? If you think about it simply, this is understanding that you have needs, and are worthy of those needs being met. This is learning how to communicate your needs to somebody else. This is being able to walk away from something when you’ve communicated your needs and you realize they’re not being met. That’s the interplay between these two things.

The third circle is your life. Having a rich and fulfilling life. That means, when someone meets you, they realize that they get an invite to this incredible world that is your world. You’re not looking to someone to create a life for you, you have an amazing life to share with another person. This is essential.

And I think of our life as a series of legs under a table. Our health, our fitness is a leg under the table. Our career or our sense of purpose is a leg under the table. Our passions, our hobbies, our friends, our family, all of these things, skills we’ve trained in our lives, the fact that we can play the guitar, the fact that we have certain knowledge, we know a language, these are all legs under a table that make that table more and more sturdy. And any time one of those legs breaks and needs replacing, all of the other legs support it. So if someone’s treating you poorly, if they’re no longer respecting you, if they no longer show they value you, then you can walk away. One leg breaks, the other ones all support until you’re ready to replace that leg of the table.

These three things are extremely important. Because when you have all three, you create a situation where you are happy enough. And happy enough is a more modest goal than blissfully happy, enlightened, 100% fulfilled in your life. Happy enough allows you to be strong. Happy enough, in fact, is a kind of invincibility. This to me is lifesaving. This isn’t about being blissfully happy all the time. I can’t coach you on how to be blissfully happy all the time. I’m not. But I can coach you on how to have a personal power that means you never stay in something that you should’ve left a long time ago, you never allow people to treat you worse than you should be treated, you don’t stay in anything for too long that’s making you unhappy, and you drive after what it is you want.

I have for 14 years now run a Retreat that people have gotten confused about. Because they’ll say to me, “Matt, I like the idea of your Retreat, but I don’t want to do a love Retreat.” I’m like, “What are you talking about? This isn’t a love life Retreat.” The whole point of the Virtual Retreat or my Live Retreat is to get people to a place of such personal power, they can always say no to the wrong thing, and they always have the courage, the drive, and the structure in their life to go after the thing that’s actually going to make them happy. When you have that, you’re invincible.

I’m a huge fan of this happy enough concept, because it allows us to make really strong decisions in our lives. It allows us to say no to what’s wrong for us, it allows us to take risks in going what’s right for us because we feel like we have a stable base. I think of it as being almost like how people talk about “F-You Money”, “You know, when you have enough money, it’s “F-You Money.” You can say no to anything you don’t want to do.” Well, I think there’s such a thing as “F-You Confidence.” You have so much confidence in your life, you’re so happy with your life, the way that it’s going, that you can take risks. If you come across someone who’s not treating you right, you know how to move on and say no, because your life is great as it is, or it’s great enough, it’s happy enough.

Now look, I take people through an entire process where I show them how to get to happy enough, by creating a life that they’re proud of, purpose in their life that drives them, a relationship with themselves that makes them feel like they’re secure. They’re no longer looking for validation and security from the outside. I show them how to heal from the things that have happened in the past. We all have something that we’ve struggled to heal from, and we don’t heal automatically with time. Time does not heal all wounds. Directing our healing is what heals wounds over time. But we have to actually direct it properly, and that’s what I’ve specialized in over 15 years now.

In October, I have my 6-day Retreat happening from the 9th to the 15th. This one is in person, in Florida, Fort Lauderdale. We’re going to be on the beach together for 6 days. We are so close now. It is upon us, and we have most of the places already full, so this is my invitation. Not everyone will be able to get on, but this is my invitation to those of you who are really serious about getting to a place where you are happier, more confident, more secure, enjoying life more, managing the tough transitions in your life better, then come join us on this Retreat.

If you wait and you miss this one, it will be a whole other year, if not more, until you get the chance to come again. So make sure you go to this link now. It’s MHRetreat.com. When you get there, you’ll find everything you need, plus an opportunity to book a call with one of my Specialists so that you can talk about the program.

I look forward to seeing you there. It’ll be nice to give you a hug in person, which is a step up from YouTube, is it not? But thank you so much for watching this video, and I’ll see you soon.

The post What You Need to Know BEFORE You Get Into a Relationship appeared first on Matthew Hussey.

In today’s video, I share 3 ways to keep yourself from over-obsessing in early dating so you can enjoy the experience and give yourself enough time (and perspective) to see if someone’s right for you.

Transform Your Relationship With Life in 6 Magical Days.
Learn More About The Matthew Hussey Retreat . . .
TAP HERE

Matthew:

What’s the loyalty you want to feel? What’s the level of peace you want to feel with this person? How seen do you want to know that you are? When you think about all of that, it suddenly starts to feel ludicrous how excited we get about someone in week two.

I asked people recently on Instagram, what is a mistake or a pattern that you keep making in your love life that you want to work on? One person said that she wanted to work on taking things more slowly so that she doesn’t invest in people before they’ve shown they actually deserve it. I thought I’d spent a bit of time here because this is an incredibly common thing. I know I’ve done it. I’m sure you’ve done it. You get excited about someone and you rush forward, thinking . . . I don’t even think we are thinking when we do it necessarily. There’s just this instinctive, “I’m excited about this person. I’m excited about what it could be.” We start projecting, of course, onto that person all of the value that they could have in our lives, how amazing they are, how great the relationship could be or would be, and then we start giving a ton of energy to it.

Firstly, is that helpful to do, and if we agree that it is not helpful, how do we get ourselves to actually slow down? I would argue that it’s absolutely not helpful to do that because it shows someone that they don’t actually have to provide any value or invest in us in order to get all of our value. It is a false representation of how great that person is because we probably don’t even know them that well yet, and it assumes that by speeding up and by investing more, someone will like us more, and that’s just not true. Investing more in someone does not necessarily make them like us more. In fact, it might make them value us less because they start to take for granted just how much energy they’re getting from us at a time when they’re not giving us that much.

So if it doesn’t just not help us, if it can actually hurt us, how do we get ourselves to slow down? Slowing down with someone, being someone that another person has to actually earn is easy when we are swimming in options because it feels kind of natural. If we have loads of options, then it’s easy to assess what is the best option. Who’s the option that’s giving me the best or giving me the most? What’s hard is going slow when we feel like we don’t have any options. When we’ve been single for a while, when we don’t relate to having attention or when we don’t relate to having attention from the people we actually want, and then all of a sudden someone that we do feel attracted to starts showing us a little attention, all of a sudden it feels like we’ve stumbled upon this incredibly rare treasure and we have to grab onto it as hard as possible. It’s very hard when we’re coming from a place of scarcity to go slow with somebody. It feels like it goes against all of our instincts.

So, how do we do it? Firstly, in the absence of options, we have to connect to the other parts of our life that give us a feeling of joy or worthiness or satisfaction or meaning and really connect to those on a daily basis, especially when we meet someone we like so that when we do meet someone like that, we’re not thinking that this person is the answer to some kind of existential problem, and if you watch my videos a lot, you know that I like my business analogies and I think a lot in terms of those. In business, there will always be sexy opportunities that come along. There’ll be things that feel glamorous or feel like they could be exciting, and the temptation is when something like that comes along to jump at it because it feels like a bit of a lottery win.

What I have prided myself on is having cultivated a career where the kind of meat and potatoes of what I get to do every day is enough for me. I love making videos. I love being able to go to my live events and connect with people and run retreats and write and have this amazing team that I love working with every day. My daily existence in my career is already enough for me. So when something that feels glamorous or sexy comes along and says, “Do you want to do this crazy opportunity, Matt?” before I jump and say yes, I always put it through the filter of, “Is it going to give me what I really need? Is it aligned with my values? Does it feel like it fits with the culture of my life and what I want to do?” And if the answer is no, it’s actually quite easy for me to say no, even to things that from the outside look wildly exciting. Like, “Matt, how can you say no to that?” It’s actually easy because I have an abundance everywhere else in my career, in my working life.

I think our love lives are the same way. It shouldn’t be the case that we only go slow with someone or are able to say no to someone if there’s someone else waiting in the wings. That’s that’s not a strong position to be in. That’s not real confidence. Real confidence is I can say no even when there’s not another option because I’m abundant everywhere else in my life. If you have things that you love doing with your day, people you like spending time with, passions that you just feel absorbed in, a life that you think is beautiful, all of that creates a level of abundance that means when someone comes along, instead of getting overexcited about that person, we go slow and evaluate every step of the way, whether this is a person who can meet our needs and who fits with the culture that we want to have in our life.

The second way to slow down so that we don’t over-invest in someone who isn’t investing in us is to have a clear vision for the kind of relationship that is going to make us happy. Really think about it. Instead of just getting excited about the early stages of dating when you meet someone you like, think about the kind of long-term relationship you want to be in. What’s the loyalty you want to feel? What’s the level of peace you want to feel with this person? How seen do you want to know that you are by this person? What’s the teamwork between you? How do you conquer life’s problems together? How do you approach life together and your vision and what you’re building? Have all of these things in mind. And it may seem like that’s a lot to think about in early dating, but that’s the whole point. Seeing that that is what your vision is for your ideal relationship and forget ideal was the absolute pinnacle. I mean ideal as in this is what I need as my baseline for being happy.

When you think about all of that, it suddenly starts to feel ludicrous how excited we get about someone in week two because we realize I don’t know this person. I know that I’ve had some fun with them. I know that it was a really great date. I know that I feel butterflies, I feel chemistry, but I actually don’t even know one tenth of how they would be in this relationship.

I have not ticked any of these boxes yet. So that allows us to start to slow down and come back down to earth. And it checks us a little bit when it comes to feeling this excited about a person or this heartbroken if they haven’t texted us for a few days because we go, “I have no business feeling this excited about this person when I don’t know that they can fulfill any of these criteria right now.” In fact, the fact that I’m not getting a lot of investment from them right now, the fact that their communication is patchy, the fact that I don’t feel seen right now is evidence of it being the wrong thing, not something that should make me mourn the fact that I’m not getting enough from the right thing. By having a clear vision about what you want in the future, you can be present today in a way that allows you to not get overexcited about something that isn’t real yet.

And the third thing is we have to back ourselves to find the thing that we’re looking for long term. We have to be able to say to ourselves, the right thing sooner or later is going to come along. So I don’t need to settle for something that’s wrong for me now. It is going to come along. Something better is coming my way and therefore I can bide my time. Now, this is the hardest of the three because it requires a real confidence. It requires a real belief in our own value. It requires a real belief in the opportunities that are out there for us. It requires a longer term perspective. And that kind of belief normally is derived from having some wins in our life. That kind of confidence that the right thing is coming usually comes from knowing in our past that the right thing has come before, or real belief in our value, real belief in what we have to offer, and not everyone has that kind of belief. So that third one is the hardest to achieve the believing that something better is coming. That’s the hardest one to achieve.

The irony of all of this is that when we have these kinds of standards around how we give up our time, our energy, our intimacy, we become more attractive. Someone starts to look at us as someone who has to be won over, and I don’t mean won over in the sense that we were difficult and then we become easy because we get won over. I mean, won over the sense that someone realizes that they have to actually invest in us in order to get the best of us. Without these three things in place, it’s very hard, if not impossible, to have the kind of standard that I’m talking about, because whatever standard we have will only be fake. It will be a game. It will be, “I’m going to play hard to get and go slow as a tactic to get you to think that I’m special.” But the problem is there’s nothing really underpinning it, which is why those tactics often dissolve at the first sign of resistance.

To take something from being a tactic to a standard, it has to be underpinned by something deeper by these three things. Having an abundant life, having a vision for what we want that is unshakeable, and having this belief that something better is coming for us because we know what we have to offer in this world. These are things that are easy to say but hard to do, which is why I have an entire program that helps people to cultivate them, and it’s the Retreat.

It’s happening in October. For those of you that don’t know, from the 9th to the 15th and with me. We’re going to work together on your life so that you can cultivate a life of abundance so that you can create a clear vision that you adhere to no matter what. No matter how exciting something is, you adhere to that vision, and developing a level of belief in your own value that tells you something better is coming because I have something incredible to offer. We’re going to do those three things together, and when we do that, you won’t have to stop yourself from moving too fast anymore. Going slow and valuing yourself appropriately will be an inevitable byproduct of these three things that we work on in your life.

I will leave a link here for anyone who wants to come and be with us in Florida in October to work on these three things. The link is MHRetreat.com. Come over and check it out for yourself, and I hope that we get to spend those six days working on you and your life together.

The post 3 Ways to Stop Obsessing Over Someone in Early Dating appeared first on Matthew Hussey.

Situations like this can take months—even years—to heal from, but there is a right and a wrong way to heal. This week’s video will give you a new approach that will show you how to rebuild step-by-step so you can feel confident in your ability to fall in love again.

Become The Most Powerful Version of Yourself in 6 Magical Days.
Learn  More About The Matthew Hussey Retreat . . .
TAP HERE

Matthew:

Have you this year or in the last couple of years, had your heart absolutely destroyed by someone? Someone that maybe you thought you’d be with forever, someone that maybe you gave every part of yourself to someone that you fought for, only to find that that person broke up with you and moved on to somebody else.

If this describes you, keep watching because I promise today’s video is gonna be an incredible pressure valve. But before I do that, don’t forget to like the video, subscribe to this channel, and hit the notification bell so that the next time I do one of these videos, you are the first to hear about it. Alright, let’s get into the video. I was told a story recently of a guy who was in a relationship for seven years and for at least the last three of those years, his partner had stopped being affectionate with him. Had, for all intents and purposes, begun to find him unattractive. She didn’t feel any attraction for him anymore. They had a all but sexless relationship. When he went to get close to her and kiss her or put his arm around her and just have those daily moments of affection that he craved, she would physically push him away because she didn’t want to. And she came to see him just as a friend. During this time when they would go to weddings together, she would say to him, I don’t think I’m ever gonna get married. You know, I just don’t think that that’s something I want. Eventually, she broke up with him, and a couple of years into the breakup, he saw pictures of her engaged to this new person that she had met. And in the pictures, there was affection and love. The way that she looked at her new fiance was the way that he had always hoped she would look at him and it crushed him.

And I wanted to make a video about this because it’s a particular kind of ego death when, well, A) we get broken up with and we go through the heartbreak of that, but B) when that heartbreak comes on the back of certain needs that we have that weren’t being met in the relationship, things we desperately wanted to be true, whether it’s to have affection, to have their attraction, to feel safe with them, to feel loved by them. When we don’t feel those things, and we may somewhere in our minds think that that’s to do with them, it’s their stuff. Maybe there’s something going on with them. They’re broken. They’re not that kind of person. But then we see that they are that kind of person with somebody else, that everything we wanted, that they could seemingly never give to us, they gave to someone else. And in his case, that was both the affection that he’d always wanted, but also the fact that she said she never wanted to be married.

And what became evident to him was that she was saying that at the weddings that they were going to, because it was a reflection of how she felt at that time in the relationship with him, not a reflection of what she ultimately would’ve wanted in her life. This is one of the hardest kinds of ego deaths because it feels so apparent to us that there’s no logical get-out. This person was this way with me, and now they are a completely different way with somebody else the way that I always wanted them to be. They are that, but just with another person, the logical conclusion that that leads us to is that there is something wrong with me. Plain and simple, not feeling like we’re enough and having very direct evidence in front of us that that is true. When we were in the relationship, we were living this life where daily our self-worth dial was fluctuating in response to how much attention, energy, love, and security this person gave us.

And we were always living at the mercy of that, which is why most of the time, because they weren’t giving it to us, we didn’t feel good. You may feel anxious constantly. You’re constantly suffering, you’re constantly unhappy, you’re never at peace. And maybe you can’t even say that to friends of yours or family of yours because it’s such a personal thing and it’s such a vulnerable thing to be feeling all the time. You want to say that you’re in a happy relationship. You don’t want to say that you’re living in a constant state of anxiety or not feeling good enough, but that is where you live emotionally. Sometimes we can live at that place emotionally for such a long time that we don’t even realize how bad we feel anymore. You know, our friends and family may later on notice, they may even say, I remember when you were in that relationship, you were so unhappy.

But we didn’t even know it was that obvious to everybody else at the time. We didn’t know that we were changing. But you can’t have your self-worth in question for that long without it starting to affect the way you come across in life. So this is a very, very painful place to be. And we spend our lives kind of, you know, if we are always trying to slay a dragon in life in terms of the hero’s journey, Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey, we’re always, you know, to become the hero we’re looking to slay a certain dragon. And the whole time we were in the relationship, we were trying to slay the external dragon of love, validation, trying to feel enough, trying to feel wanted, trying to feel like we are worthy because somebody else wants us. But that dragon ate us and spat us out and left us bleeding out on the floor.

And in that moment, it’s an opportunity to turn to a different dragon, to turn to the dragon inside of us, which is the real dragon that has to be slain. That internal dragon that makes us enough already that if we slay that dragon, this dragon over here, this external dragon would never be able to do this to us in this way. In fact, the internal dragon is much bigger and much more powerful than this external one that has hurt us so badly. But this one was able to hurt us so badly because we haven’t turned our attention to the internal one. And that’s why we have been so desperate for this person’s approval or validation in the first place. That’s why we put up with a relationship where our needs weren’t being met for so long, only to have someone break our hearts and meet someone else’s needs.

And of course, when we’re bleeding out on the floor, there are many people that come along that try to, uh, distract us from our pain. They try to divert our attention to other things that could bolster our ego. You know, get the revenge body. What’s that? Ego. Go out and have rebound relationships. What’s that? Ego. Do this to get them back, make them jealous. Ego. It’s all about taking this crushed ego and going here. We can put it on life support by you getting some attention elsewhere. But when we do that, we never get the benefit of an ego death. I know it sounds crazy, but an ego death is both the most painful thing, but also the greatest invitation for us to become a bigger version of ourselves. And if we distract ourselves, for example, by just hopping into the next relationship, and the next one and the next one, you see, people never slay that internal dragon. So they’re always a victim to every external dragon.

We often ignore that internal dragon, especially in the, either the good times in our life, cuz in the good times of our life, our ego is being stroked by all of these things that are going well for us or in the times of our life where we’re fighting for a relationship. It’s also a time where it’s very hard to do that internal work and slaying that internal dragon because we’re so focused on slaying the dragon on the outside. We wake, wake up every morning trying to get this person more attracted to us, trying to make them want us, trying to do a perfect acrobatic routine to make this person fall more in love with us or love us the way that they used to love us. And that’s all-consuming. That takes up all of our energy.

But when we are at the end of that journey and we have had our ego crushed in that moment of annihilation, that is an opportunity to build a different kind of relationship with ourselves. That’s a chance for us to show that we can get through something really difficult, that we have our backs in a really tough time. It’s a kind of invitation to a gentler kind of relationship with ourselves where we know we need compassion and grace and empathy. The relationship we build with ourselves when we get through those times is very pure. We become proud of ourselves because we, we think I’m doing something really hard right now. Forget whether I compare to this person or that person. You know what’s funny is a situation like this forces your hand to focus on getting worth from a different source because it, you can’t get it from this source anymore, right?

You, you feel like I lost, there’s no, there’s no, you know, dressing it up. I just feel like I lost. I just feel like I’m a loser right now. And I don’t mean a loser in the emotional sense, but I mean a loser in life. I lost something. So our worth doesn’t come from that thing anymore. And when we feel forced to get our worth from a different place, we start asking, well, what, what will my worth be based on here in this state? And our worth starts getting based on these quieter, subtler things like the fact that we got out of bed this morning, or the fact that we just spent an hour with a, a good friend and listened to that friend, or were loving to that friend, or how we show up with our family, perhaps the way that we throw ourselves into a project of passion, or even just the way that we are conducting ourselves through this time.

We can develop this sense of pride and esteem, self-esteem that is much, much more powerful than any external source of worth. You know, I always think a source of instant confidence. The con- people always talk about confidence is something that gets built, but there’s a, there’s an instant access to confidence if we just take a moment to appreciate what we have already done in our lives, what we have already been through, what we’ve already overcome, how we’ve had to be strong to survive in our lives. When we really connect to that, I always, when I do that for myself, I always think it almost dissolves whatever room I go into hoping that someone’s gonna like me or I’m gonna impress someone that is dissolved. When I think about all of the ways that I’ve already made myself proud by the way I’ve shown up in my life and what I’ve got through in my life.

Cause I think, God, that person has no idea what hard situations I’ve been through. They have no idea how many difficult things I’ve done in my life. I know, and I’m proud of me for having got through those things this person doesn’t. So why am I looking for their approval, my own approval is enough for me? And that becomes very attractive energy, right? Because when someone feels they need our approval, our validation or is in constant comparison mode between themselves and other people, we register that as unattractive energy. But when someone doesn’t need any of that from us, we register that as attractive energy. But that attractive energy can’t be faked. It’s a deeper kind of security. And that deeper kind of security actually can arise from the hardest times in our life and how we conducted ourselves through them and how we got through them.

So the great irony of you having an ego death, of a breakup, or being betrayed, cheated on, or just seeing someone who couldn’t give their best to you, give their best to somebody else. When you go through that, the thing that is the crushing force on your ego is actually the life force of the energy that is going to make you the most attractive version of yourself down the line. If you have suffered an ego death this year, and instead of being distracted to other sources of ego, you want to do the work that’s gonna make you that extraordinarily powerful version of yourself, a year from now, two years from now, five years from now, I wanna extend you an invitation to come and do it with me at my Retreat this year in October from the 9th to the 15th in Florida. This is an incredibly practical process once you know how to do it.

I know it may sound a little abstract as I’m talking about it in this video, but it’s really not. You can do this in a methodical way. There is a roadmap, and I’ve spent 15 years putting it together in the form of the Retreat. I hope that you’ll join me. I hope that you’ll ignore all of the wrong ways to heal and focus on the most beautiful ways of healing that give you that energy that makes you a very, very powerful person in this life. The details can all be found at MHRetreat.com. Go check it out and I’ll see you there. Thanks for watching.

The post What’s The RIGHT Way To Heal Your Broken Heart? appeared first on Matthew Hussey.

What is going on here?!

In this week’s new video, I reveal the truth about why we fall so hard for people who give us crumbs of attention, and show you a simple mindset shift that will help you find a passionate and loving relationship. 

Transform Your Relationship With Life in 6 Magical Days
Learn More About The Matthew Hussey Retreat . . .
TAP HERE

Matthew:

There is a fascinating and strange phenomenon that so many people bring to me over the last 15 years of working with people in their dating lives, and that is that when someone likes them, they feel like they’re avoidant. But when someone is hard to get, they feel anxious and they chase after them. What is this thing that makes them doubt the people that like them and feel certain about wanting the people that are hard to get? It’s interesting, isn’t it? Because when this happens to people, they suddenly go, “I don’t know what attachment style I am, because it seems like I’m both. When someone is running away or when I feel like I’m chasing them, I go into anxious attachment. But when someone turns around to meet me and actually shows that they like me and they want to be there, I go into an avoidance style. So which am I?”

There is a crucial aspect of this phenomenon that once you understand it will not only allow you to have much more awareness about yourself and where it’s coming from, but might just land you in the healthiest relationship you’ve ever had. Before I get into it, don’t forget to like the video, subscribe to the channel and hit the notification bell so that the next time I release a video, you get notified.

Okay, so what is happening here? What is this thing that happens to us when someone’s not sure about us? When we feel like we are chasing them, it feels like there’s nothing we want more in the world than this person. When someone really likes us and wants us, we can find ourselves going, “I’m not sure.” I want you to consider for a moment the fact that when someone is making you chase, all of your energy is focused on whether you can get that person.

You have one singular mission, try to get this person to like me back, and that mission tends to occupy all of our bandwidth. It doesn’t really allow much space to ask whether this person that we’re trying to get is someone we want deep down, whether they are someone who is worth getting. It also, when someone’s running away, when I imagine them literally drifting away or in the distance, we’re not seeing them close enough to see their flaws, to really assess the cracks in their personality or their behavior. We are consumed by the desire to get them. How many people out there have ever had the experience of finally getting someone? Then when that person turns around to meet you, you find that you’re miserable, that that relationship was one of the worst relationships of your life. Yet, when we’re in the getting phase, we’re just focused on trying to get them.

Now the person who turns around to meet us, the person that actually likes us back, the person that in a sense makes it easy, it’s simple: they want to be with us, they want to be around us, they like us, they’ve made it known. We no longer have all of this space taken up by trying to pursue. Instead, we’ve freed up all this bandwidth to be able to just assess the person in front of us and go, “Are they right for me? Do I like them?” We tend to put more focus on the flaws. What’s wrong with it? Our human brain, once it’s figured out a certain situation in life, once we’ve got something, what do we tend to do? We go straight on to, “What’s the next problem? What’s the next thing I have to solve?” So when we have a person in front of us that we like that doesn’t represent any more work, we simply look at them and we start finding flaws.

Now, sometimes we’re right and that person isn’t right for us. Other times, we run the risk of turning away people who could actually make us very happy and create a beautiful relationship with us. At the essence of this is the difference between being a leader and being a follower. When we’re in leader mode, we decide what we want in our lives in a relationship, what we want in a person. We decide what’s important from the point of view of our needs, and then when we find someone who can provide those things, we lean into that. When we meet someone who is elusive and difficult and hard to get, we conclude that this already isn’t meeting one of my core needs, which is the need for my love, my affection, my attention to be reciprocated, so we just turn away from that person. When we’re in follower mode, we haven’t decided what we value, so we are looking for somebody else to tell us what is valuable.

And naturally, when someone is elusive and scarce and hard to get, it’s their way of, whether intentionally or not, creating value around themselves. When we see that and we go, “Oh, I don’t know what I want and I don’t know what’s valuable, if you are running away, if you are hard to get, you must be valuable. I’m going to chase you.” So the follower ends up chasing and we can spend our entire lives in that pattern of chasing people who are elusive and thinking that anyone who actually turns to meet us isn’t valuable, isn’t worth anything. Leaders have decided already what’s valuable to them, and they don’t think it’s less valuable because it’s there in front of them. In fact, it’s the opposite. If the leader is determined that what’s valuable to me is someone who actually wants me back alongside some important other things, then when you find that in a person, you go, “This is it. This is the thing.”

At the crux of this is people not trusting themselves. When we’re a follower, we look to other people to tell us what’s valuable. When we’re a leader, we have decided what’s valuable, and we do that from a place of confidence and self-trust. So the question becomes, how do I get to a place in my life where I actually begin to trust myself? Maybe you’re watching this and going, “Oh, God, my whole life I’ve been taking my cues from everybody else and not actually getting in touch with trusting my own decisions.” If you’re in that place, this is what I do with people when I have my Retreat. I spend six days with people working on their self-confidence, on their internal compass, and their ability to trust themselves and their own decisions so that when they come out of that program, they’re in alignment about what they want in life.

All of a sudden, they’re able to orient their life towards things that actually lead to long-term happiness instead of things that lead to massive pain. I have watched over 15 years of coaching people, the same people running headfirst into pain over and over again. That never changes unless you do the work to break the cycle. So I want to offer you an invitation to break that cycle and finally find peace and happiness. The Retreat is taking place this October. It’s from the 9th to the 15th. It’s going to be in Florida, and it is going to be an extraordinary six days that we spend doing the deep work that is going to allow you to be the happiest you’ve ever been. When you feel happy and in control and self-trusting and self-confident, the results that you are looking for like finding love become natural. They happen organically. But if you don’t do that work, no amount of dating advice is going to make the difference. For all of the information about the Retreat and how to apply, go to MHRetreat.com. Thank you so much for watching. I’ll see you next time.

The post Why You Want Them MORE When They’re “Not Sure” About You . . . appeared first on Matthew Hussey.

If you relate to this, today’s new video will provide a much-needed boost. It will help you overcome the pain of frequent rejection and reframe the situation you’re in so you can feel hopeful again.

Transform Your Relationship With Life in 6 Magical Days
Learn More About The Matthew Hussey Retreat . . .
TAP HERE

Matthew:

You’re not supposed to be for everyone. If you are for most people, you’re doing something wrong. You’re chameleonizing yourself, people-pleasing, being an inauthentic version of you.

How do we continue with the search for love when it feels like it’s so fruitless for us? When we feel invisible, when we feel like we keep going on dates that don’t go anywhere, maybe even dates with initial promise, where it felt like someone liked us, but then they never spoke to us again afterwards, it never materialized into another date.

Rejection hurts. And when we get too many rejections, it starts to make us want to quit altogether, because we feel hopeless. We think, “What’s the point?” And each new rejection just reiterates and reinforces this belief that we are not good enough, that we are not desirable, that we are not worthy. And when we feel that way, we will insert whatever is our biggest insecurity into that, “It’s because of my age. It’s because I’m not attractive enough. It’s because I’m not smart enough. It’s because I’m not successful enough. It’s because of my body.” We all have our insecurity that rejection attaches itself onto, but the painful part is the rejection. We would be unlikely to be insecure about that thing in the first place if we didn’t have rejection to attach it to.

So I wanted to talk today about how you could overcome that fear of rejection and continue putting yourself out there to find love. Because the greatest tragedy is when we quit, when we throw in the towel and we say, “I just can’t do this anymore,” then we deprive ourselves of the beautiful relationship that we could have. We also, by the way, deprive someone else out there who’s right for us of the beautiful relationship that they could have with us if we had just kept going.

Now, before I go any further, I’d love for you to like this video, subscribe to this channel if you haven’t already, and hit the notification bell, so that the next time I release a video, you get notified first.

Now, while we’re on that subject, let’s talk about a comparison that’s really relevant to you and your love life. Every time I make a video, there are people who will see the thumbnail for that video in their recommended feed, and they won’t click on it. Maybe they don’t like the title. Maybe they see my face and don’t like my face. Maybe they just think, “This guy’s not for me.” Maybe they think that any form of dating advice or help with their confidence isn’t for them. But they don’t click.

There are other people who click on it and within the first 10 seconds go, “Nah.” Or they get distracted by something else and they never come back. Some people watch to the end of the video and say, “I didn’t like it.” There are other people who get to the end of the video and think, “That was cool. I’m not going to watch anymore, but that was pretty good.” And then, there are all sorts of other people that continue the journey with me. Some of them hit like on the video, some of them subscribe to the videos. Some people become part of my Love Life Club, to be coached by me on a more intimate level. Other people decide, “You know what, Matt? I’d really love to come and spend six days with you in Florida on your Retreat.” Those are the people that really value me and what I have to say. Most people don’t get that far, and that’s okay.

When I make a video, I’m not trying to make it for everybody. I hope that whoever engages with it and watches it gets something out of it. I hope I leave people better than I found them, but I also know I’m not going to be for a lot of people, maybe even for most people, but that doesn’t matter. The goal isn’t to attract most people. The goal isn’t to attract everybody. The goal is to attract the right person.

Our love life is no different. I want you to get out of the mindset of wanting people to be attracted to you and get into the mindset of wanting to find the person who is right for you. And by definition, because you are rare and unique and special and nuanced, the person who’s right for you is going to be rare and special and unique and nuanced, and it’s going to work because the two of you value each other’s unique way of thinking, unique approach to life, the way that you enjoy life or go through life, your energy.

You are not supposed to be for everyone. If you’re for most people, you’re doing something wrong. You’re chameleonizing yourself to whoever comes along, adjusting to suit the needs of the person in front of you, people-pleasing, being an inauthentic version of you. If you’re doing things right, a lot of people, and I mean a lot of people, won’t want you, and that’s kind of a liberating thought.

Trent Shelton, shout out to Trent, a coach, I heard him recently use this example, that when it comes to success and selling people on your vision, your vision is seen through lenses that you wear. It’s a prescription that’s yours. So sometimes when someone else in life, be it for a business idea or somewhere we want to go in life, when they try on our glasses to see our vision, they’ll struggle to see it, because they’ll be like, “I can’t see clearly.” And his point is they’re not supposed to be able to see that clearly, it’s your vision. Those are your glasses. That’s your lens. That’s what makes it yours.

I kind of think that the same is true in dating, that most people aren’t going to be able to see all of the things that are really special about you, but someone will come along who will see your specific way of being, operating, viewing life and going through the world, and think, “That’s for me.” Most people won’t, which is why, by the way, I almost feel like we think that the more people get to know us, the more they should like us. But in some ways, the more people get to know us, the more they should get to a point of going, “I don’t know if this person is for me in a relationship,” because we’re revealing more and more and more about ourselves and we’re looking for that person who fits with that and vice versa.

So I actually think that we’re looking for a very specific kind of human being in this world, that wants to go through life with us. Why do we expect that to be easy? That shouldn’t be easy. I once had a person that I worked with who, at the end of a tough breakup, where I felt a sense of disappointment that this person wasn’t for me, I remember him saying to me at the end of this relationship, “Matt, I don’t think it gets to be that easy for you.” He said, “You’re a specific kind of person. I don’t think it gets to be easy for you.” And there was something liberating about that thought.

You know what, if I was truly going to find my soulmate, and I don’t believe in the one, but I do kind of believe in this idea of soulmate, someone who you just, on the deepest level, it feels right with them. I don’t think that finding that person shouldn’t necessarily be easy. And I kind of want to get you off the hook of thinking that that should be easy. I want to give you permission to go and get rejected, and that rejection is going to be worth it.

Because if you get rejected 50 times and the 51st person is that person, you’re going to be so glad that you got rejected 50 times. And more than that, you almost certainly needed to go and get rejected those 50 times in order to meet that person. Because if you go through your dating life hoping to be this assassin, you have a sniper rifle, you have one bullet in that gun, and your job is just to find the right person and fire, your odds are tiny. In order to get to that 51st person, you actually have to go through a bunch of things that are wrong. You have to go through a bunch of rejections.

And think about it, to find my people on YouTube, I have hundreds of thousands of people bouncing off of my videos and deciding it’s not for them. So in our dating life, where most of us have a handful of relationships in a lifetime, or maybe go on a handful of dates in a year, why do we think that we are going to get so lucky that it’s going to happen in one of those handful? For some people, it does, but for a lot of people it doesn’t. And that’s not because they’re awful and it’s not because they’re invisible and it’s not because no one wants them, it’s because they’re giving far too much weight to the rejections in their life and they’re allowing the rejections to make them go into their cave and just check out of the game altogether. You can’t do that because what is coming for you is too special.

Now, what I believe is that this isn’t just a numbers game. We actually have a high degree of influence. We can’t control everything about when we meet the right person and when it’s going to happen. But we have a high degree of influence. If we really believe in our vision, you know what Trent says about someone putting on your glasses may not be able to see your vision, that’s true. But if we really believe in our vision and we’re excited about it, and in dating, it’s your vision for your own value, your vision for where your life is going, your vision, your lens for how great life is and how happy you are, the more you connect to that and the more you believe in it, really believe in it, the more you are able to transfer that energy to somebody else.

It’s like me right now. If I connect deeply to what I’m saying, why is it that I have not . . . My videos aren’t for everyone, but why is it I have a big audience? I believe it’s because I really, really, really care about what it is I have. I really believe it’s valuable and I’m really connected to it. And I believe that when people like yourself watch these videos, you can feel that, and that’s why you stay, and that’s why people join me on bigger journeys.

And that’s something that I’ve had to work on in my life because I wasn’t always this sure of myself. I wasn’t always this confident. I didn’t always believe in my vision to this extent. And I know that if you’re getting rejected so frequently, you can get to a point where you feel like, “No one can even understand how hard this is for me, to keep putting myself out there.” And when we feel that what happens is we feel unattractive, we feel worthless. And so, we start to treat ourselves like that. We don’t go to the gym or we don’t take care of ourselves anymore because we think, “What’s the point?” We don’t do the things that love ourselves, that keep us feeling good, and then we start to become a worse version of ourselves because we’re not loving ourselves and we’re not taking care of ourselves. And that feeds back into dating again, and it becomes this spiral.

And that’s how people get a long way from feeling like their best selves anymore. They get so detached from their own value and their own confidence that it can be hard to find a way back. And the shame about that, and I say this with 15 years of doing this with people, and not one kind of person, not one demographic, not one age group, and seeing the results that happen for people if they can just stay in the game and if they can just bring the right energy to it in spite of all of that pain. And I know for some people that takes a whole different level of resilience than it does for other people, I know that. But when you do stay in the game, magical things do happen. You can find a relationship that is better than any relationship you’ve ever had in the past. You can find someone who actually is right for you, and you don’t need everyone to be right for you, you don’t. You don’t even need 99.9% of people to be right for you. You just need one.

The saddest part is that if we ever come across that one and our energy isn’t in the place where they can see our light, where they can see how great we are, we can lose out on the person that’s right for us.

So here’s my invitation to you. I want you to, in the face of all rejection, in the face of all pain, to still say to yourself, “I’m going to invest in making myself the most confident, happy version of me. And I’m going to accept that I’m going to be wrong for a lot of people. I’m going to accept that there’s more rejection on the horizon for me. I’m going to accept that I’m still going to have to go through some challenging situations. But I’m also going to keep in my mind the entire time that if I get my happiness to the right place and if I get my confidence to the right place, then I’m going to be able to move through all of that. And part it to the side, so that I can meet my person, the person that’s going to make it all worthwhile.”

Now, this October, I’m spending six days with an exclusive group of people that I’m going to be doing this with. I’m going to be working with them on transforming their confidence from the inside out, so that they have a completely different relationship with themselves, so that they fundamentally see themselves differently than they ever have before, so that they can bring a powerful energy to their love lives, and so that they can finally attract the relationship they’ve always wanted to attract.

And if you’d like to be a part of that, this moment right now is my invitation to you to apply. You can go to MHRetreat.com, you’ll find all of the information there. I hope you go and look into it. It’s my favorite thing in the world that I do, and I know that if you do this, it will be one of the greatest decisions you ever make in your life, and you will never stop thanking yourself for it. So I’ll see you over there, MHRetreat.com is the link. Thank you for watching this and thank you for being brave enough to not give up.

The post Sick of Not Getting Any Attention in Dating? appeared first on Matthew Hussey.

But what if I told you there’s a high-value way to approach this situation—one that can pave the way for a more meaningful connection? Don’t miss this week’s brand-new video to learn the three ways you can approach these conversations. 

Tired of Casual Dating & Texting That Goes Nowhere?
These Text Messages Create Actual Progress in Your Love Life . . .
TAP HERE

Matthew:

Remember this is about sex meaning something, not sex costing us something. If it means something, we’ll just continue in an organic and elegant way. If we feel it’s cost us something, we’ll go forward in an anxious way. Before we get into the video, like the video, if you like it already, it means a lot to us. Subscribe to the channel so that we can hit our 10 million followers. What’s that? Only have 2.8? Okay, that’s a lot less. Subscribe so that we can get to 2.8 and a bit million followers. Hit the notification bell so that the next time I release a video, you get notified first and you don’t miss it. A crucial piece of information that could help you in your love life and your confidence. Now onto the video . . .

What do we do after we have sex with someone that we want more with?

Sex is one of those strange things that changes the dynamic, doesn’t it? It can make us feel awkward afterwards. It can make us feel afraid. For some people, it makes them feel like they’ve given something up and they now have a reason to be fearful because by having sex with someone, I can now feel used. I can now feel in some way taken advantage of, or I can just not like myself for having done it if this situation doesn’t turn into anything more, I will now regret this. And all of the complications and anxieties around having sex with someone can create a very counterproductive energy after we’ve done it. And that’s a shame because when we have sex with someone and we want something to happen afterwards, there’s a certain mindset and a certain intention and approach that actually makes it much more likely that something positive will come of it.

Here’s the starting point after sex. We have to communicate through our words, through our actions, through our energy that sex is something that means something to us. Now, don’t get me wrong, sex doesn’t have to mean something to everybody who has it, but for the person who wants a relationship, for the person who is being intentional about who they have sex with, there is a way to convey that it means something to you in a beautiful high-value way.

Now remember in dating, we are always communicating whether we are someone to be taken seriously or someone to be taken lightly. So when we sleep with somebody, how do we communicate in an elegant way that we are somebody to be taken seriously?

Number one, don’t run away after sex and expect them to chase you. This is what happens for a lot of people, either out of a sense of pride like, oh no, I’ve given something up, the power has shifted into their hands, I now need to get power back by getting them to chase me. It shouldn’t be that way. It creates the wrong dynamic in the first place, and sometimes we back off after sex because you’re afraid of rejection. You feel like, oh my God, I’m exposed now, I’m vulnerable. I’m going to go into my cave and they’re going to have to coax me out again.

We don’t want to be the person that makes someone chase after sex because all that does is go back to game playing. We also, by the way, don’t want to be the person that doubles our intensity after sex because we’re anxious and we feel like now it has to go somewhere or we’re going to feel used and taken advantage of. Both of these two things, making them chase or suddenly chasing them are extremes that we don’t want to participate in, and usually that comes from the framing of sex as having cost us something. Remember, this is about sex, meaning something, not sex costing us something. If it means something, we’ll just continue in an organic and elegant way. If we feel it’s cost us something, we’ll go forward in an anxious way.

Number two, if we want it to go somewhere, then after sex, we can’t just let it run on for months without expressing that we don’t want to continue if that person is sleeping with other people. In other words, if there’s going to be continual sleeping together now it has to be within the framework of not sleeping with other people. The more you continue to have sex with someone without explaining that you wouldn’t want to do that if it wasn’t exclusive, the more you cement a dynamic that you don’t want and make it permanent.

Number three, if you communicate that to someone and they express that they don’t want to be exclusive, then you don’t suddenly end up back in bed with them on a Friday night where you are feeling lonely or they hit you up. Instead, you have to be willing to walk away.

You stick to what’s actually important to you, which is that sex means something and if you’re going to continue to have it with someone, there has to be a progression and there has to be an exclusivity between you. You don’t trample your own principles and the things that mean something to you simply because you like someone. Why? Because sex means something to you. And by the way, this isn’t about judging someone if they don’t want exclusivity. It’s not about being angry at someone if they don’t want exclusivity, and it’s not about calling someone out like they used us or they did something wrong by having sex with us when it didn’t go somewhere. We have to own our actions. If we have sex with someone, own it. It was great. I had fun. It was something I wanted to do, but because it means something to me, this isn’t something I’m going to continue to do with someone for whom it doesn’t mean the same. And that is how you get taken seriously. That’s how you get treated as someone that has to be invested in instead of someone that can just be relied upon for a fun or enjoyable experience when that person feels like it.

By the way, for those of you that want to get more in-depth about how to have these conversations, because I know that many of you will be asking, what does it actually look like? Okay, I slept with someone, what should I do next? What do I actually say to communicate these things? I have very specific ways of having these conversations inside a program called the Momentum Texts, which is a $7 program before you ask. So everyone should go and get a copy of this. It gives you the right things, the right ways to say things in early dating so that you’re never listening to any of my videos going, “Okay, but Matt, how would you actually say that?”

And it even gives you things that you can say prior to having sex. If you want to gauge whether sex means the same to that person before you have it. So there’s great things you can say before the fact and after the fact. And honestly, I want to take the pressure off this because this isn’t about, “Oh my God, you already did it, that’s a problem.” We’re adults. People go home together, things happen. We sometimes move fast, we sometimes move too fast, or sometimes we just do something that’s fun in the moment. There’s nothing wrong with that.

The only real sin is in us continuing with a dynamic that doesn’t work for us, and that’s the thing we have to get out of the habit of. What I want to do is make sure people aren’t afraid to have the conversations that will actually get them more results. And the Momentum Texts teaches you exactly how to have those conversations, 67 different versions of those conversations to be precise. So go over there now, MomentumTexts.com. Everyone should have this as they go out there into their love lives. I want you to have it too. Enjoy, and I’ll see you next time.

The post DON’T CHASE After Sleeping Together DO THIS Instead appeared first on Matthew Hussey.

In today’s new video, you’ll learn the best way to increase attraction and investment in a way that doesn’t diminish your value or make you feel like a nuisance simply for stating your needs.

Finally Start Believing in Your Own Worth.
Learn More About The Matthew Hussey Virtual Retreat . . .
TAP HERE

Matthew:

One of the most common mistakes that people make when they want more with someone is playing it too cool. Have you ever played it too cool? Not asking for things, not wanting to be demanding, not wanting to pester someone because you’re worried that if you do, you will lose your value in their eyes. That your value comes from being chill, indifferent, easy, convenient, and that if you were suddenly to start asking for what you actually want, that person would leave.

Now, before we go any further, because I have a lot of good stuff to say in this video, we want subscribers badly, so we’ll put a subscriber thing, a button, hit that button and hit it now. Be cool, Matty. Be cool. Seriously though, hit the subscribe button or I will not continue.

There’s the famous monologue in the movie, Gone Girl, where she is talking about what it is to be a cool girl. Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the cool girl means I’m a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang, while somehow maintaining a size two. Because cool girls are above all hot, hot, and understanding. Cool girls never get angry. They only smile in a chagrined loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead. Shit on me. I don’t mind. I’m the cool girl.

Now, that monologue struck a chord for good reason because it really explained the feeling of so many women about the impossibility of what they needed to be and represent, which is everything. I need to be everything all of the time. Not only do I need to be everything all of the time, but I need to ask for nothing in return because what that monologue does very, very well is it shows the utter imbalance at the extreme of giving everything, being everything, providing everything, and getting nothing for it. Just being this sort of vessel to be used for the juice to be wrung out of with the guy not having to do anything to earn that. And it’s that part of it that I want to pick up on because I actually believe that real life, real relationships are much more hopeful because there is this hidden secret to attraction psychology that is not revealed in that monologue.

Now, I think that there is this perceived safety in being, I don’t want to just say the cool girl, it could be the cool guy, for anyone who is going into dating with an insecurity that they are not enough or that they have to try to hold onto someone. They have to try to prove their value. Anyone in that situation is susceptible to slipping into the cool girl or the cool guy mask. Because it is a mask, because we don’t feel that cool really. We do care more than we let on. We do want more than we’re telling someone we want and things are pissing us off and upsetting us more than we’re actually saying. But it’s a mask that we put on because we think that that’s what someone wants. It feels safe to do it because it means, A, you’re less likely to reject me if I don’t ask for anything, if I don’t make life difficult for you, if I just please you, which is that typical people-pleaser mindset. As long as I ask for nothing and give you everything, you’ll still want me in your life.

But there’s also this knowledge that if someone does reject us, we can just go, “I wasn’t even really asking for anything anyway, so I wasn’t rejected, I wasn’t asking for anything.” So there’s a lot of protection, or at least what we see as protection and safety in being that. The problem is it’s actually the opposite. It makes us more likely to be taken advantage of either by someone who is oblivious to the fact that we’re giving everything and they’re giving very little in return and just takes us for granted or taken advantage of by someone much more malevolent who sees this as a golden opportunity to manipulate and take advantage of someone who will never ask for anything in return and will just go along with it.

But there is another reason why being the cool, indifferent person, who gives a lot but doesn’t ask for anything is really destructive for attraction. One of the things we have to understand about attraction is that for someone to continue to be attracted, they need to feel like they care. And the psychology of attraction that a lot of people miss is that what makes us care about something is investing in something. That’s actually what makes us care. That’s what makes us want to give more. Investing in something or someone actually makes us invest more. It gives us this momentum.

Me and Jameson found a dog one day in LA. It was by the side of the street and we were very careful not to name this dog because some part of us knew that we took this dog home, we gave it a little . . . That was a mistake when we cut his hair because once we’d give him a little haircut and a wash, we started going . . . We’ve just invested a little bit in this dog. I remember that day thinking, we are not naming this dog. We’re taking it to the vet. We’re going to find out whose it is, and that’s where it will stay or be killed. No, I just want to say it did have a happy ending. It did not get killed because we put out the word on social media and said, “Does anyone want this dog?” And one of our lovely previous Retreat attendees said, “I will take that dog.” So it found a lovely home, but at the time we didn’t want to name it because it was a little bit of investment.

We have to start making this psychology work for us when it comes to our dating lives. We think by never getting someone to invest and by not asking for anything that we’re somehow making ourselves indispensable in their lives. Oh, I’m just showing my value to you, but I’m also not being a nuisance to you. Because if I ask for something, if I tell you what I want, if I make you come to my part of town, if I text you first, I could be perceived as difficult, a nuisance, over the top, too much work, but as long as I hang back, you’ll still want me. But what’s actually happening is this person isn’t getting the experience of investing in you. And that’s what makes us care.

Look at the people who obsess over their cars the most. They’re the ones who actually wash their cars, the ones who tinker with them, the ones who upgrade them. Look at how much that person cares about their car. Compare having your own house that you own to a hotel room you stay in. When you leave a hotel room, do you think, I must leave this in such great condition because I really care about what happens next to this hotel room? Or do you just kind of go, I’m done with it now. I’m going to leave. Whereas the house that you buy, even, if where you live, is a 10th as nice as the hotel room that you rent for a night, you love that house because you invest in it because it’s yours, because you do the upgrades, because you give it love and care and that’s what makes you care about your house.

Why would we think it’s any different with us in dating? The shocking, unexpected truth is that people will care about us more, they will want more with us if we actually get them investing in us. And while that doesn’t mean that someone we just met, we should make huge demands of. It does mean we should pay attention to ourselves and our behavior when the pendulum swings all the way to the other direction because we are afraid, we are insecure. And that is what the cool girl and cool guy mask really is.

So what’s my message in this video? I want us to start becoming a little more brave, a little less cool, a bit more courageous, a little more honest, and a little less reverent, dare I say, in making demands of someone, whether that is something small, and this may not seem like a demand, but being okay with texting someone first because screw it, that’s what you felt like doing. And if they don’t text back or they don’t respond in good time, then fine, you can direct your attention elsewhere, but you’re not going to pretend you’re not interested in texting them just because they haven’t texted you yet. Or demanding that on the next date, it be on your side of town if the last couple of dates were closer to them, or saying what you want in order to invest more.

I want us to become more courageous in these things. And when we’ve spent a lot of our life playing nice, being cool, because those are really two versions of the same thing, right? If I’m really nice to you all the time and I never ask for anything, that’s the sort of fawning version of the same insecurity. Being cool is just I’m insecure, I don’t want to get rejected, but I’m going to wear that as indifference. But I want us to recognize that the only real great relationships are going to come out of us being brave enough to ask for what we want and learning how to communicate that, learning how to calibrate that.

And I want to invite you, if you’d like to, to come and learn that with me because in June I’m going to be running the Virtual Retreat. And for people that feel like, you know what? I don’t uphold my standards. This is where they learn how to do that from two perspectives, both competence and confidence. Competence is knowing how to communicate a standard, is knowing what to do when someone pushes back on that standard. It’s knowing how to hold yourself with confidence and with composure in those moments where you feel the tension of your standard meeting their desire for convenience or to have it exactly the way they want, that doesn’t line up with the way that you want things to be.

Navigating those situations is one of the most amazing skills we can ever learn in life. And once we have it, it’s like a superpower. You know that because you know there are people you admire that are so good at asking for what they want. They’re so good at communicating their standards and they don’t do it in a way that’s aggressive or offensive or difficult. They do it in a way that just feels bold and sexy and like they’re in control and it makes them attractive. That’s the really interesting thing is that when we start being confident in what we want and confident enough to ask for it, it becomes an indicator of our value. So the very fact that we’re confident enough to have a standard and ask for our demands to be met is a thing that makes someone see our value, that makes them see us as attractive. Wow. If they’re confident enough to have that standard, they must have something about them. There must be something to this person. So you can even change the way someone feels about you simply by having a standard that you stick to.

But the other part of what we do on the Virtual Retreat is we help people find their confidence. Competence is knowing how to communicate a standard. Confidence is believing that you are worthy of that standard, is believing that you are going to meet someone who’s going to see that standard and is going to be willing to meet it. Instead of thinking all the time, I’m going to scare them off. They’re not going to want me if I want more or if I ask for more, if I’m difficult. We have these, and a lot of them just come from trauma, come from times in our life where asking too much got us punished or where we learned to placate people in our lives. We learned to do whatever we could to be significant, where we learned to have to vie for someone’s attention, where we didn’t have healthy relationships growing up or in our early dating lives. And so we just never learned what it was to connect to our value in this area.

And what we do on the Virtual Retreat is I actually get you connected to your value because when you’re connected to your value, you can actually do what I’m talking about in this video. You won’t break at the first sign of tension from someone else or at the first sign that someone is starting to back off because that is the worst thing we can possibly do, is the moment someone starts to back away, we break our standard. And I’ve been doing this for 15 years now, and that is something I see many times a day in the people I work with.

So if you want to come and do this with me in June for three days on the Virtual Retreat, this is your chance. And by the way, it’s one of the last chances you’ll get because it’s right around the corner now. And once this is over, there isn’t another Virtual Retreat this year. And if you miss this, then you could be missing out on another year of progress. And I promise you, you can learn all of my dating advice in the world through these YouTube videos, but until you connect to your value and you learn how to stay strong in your standards, in your demands, and learn how to communicate them, nothing will change. And that’s what we do together on the Virtual Retreat. The link is MHVirtualRetreat.com. Come join us over there. I look forward to seeing you. I can’t wait to spend these three days together and let me know what you thought of this video. I’ll see you soon.

The post Struggling to Communicate Your Needs With Them? appeared first on Matthew Hussey.