In today’s video, I share the best ways to move on from a gut-wrenching breakup . . . and my answers may surprise you! (Plus be sure to stay until the end if you’d like to go deeper with me on this topic.)

Transform Your Relationship With Life in 6 Magical Days.
Learn More About The Matthew Hussey Retreat . . .
TAP HERE

Matthew:

. . . And that part of you that is mad and upset and disappointed and frustrated, feels so overlooked by that response to it. It feels so invalidated by that response to it. “So he just gets to go off and be f**king fine and I’m supposed to just go, ‘OK, wish him the best. Keep going, keep moving forward.'”

This clip is taken from my Love Life Club, a private session I did for my members where one of my members on this session asked me a question about how to move on from a particularly painful breakup, and she was wondering, “How do I get over the anger that I feel towards this person for the way that I’ve been mistreated in this relationship?” Anger can be an incredibly corrosive thing and we can hold onto it for a long time and people come along and they give us this atheistic advice like, “You just have to keep going. Living well is the best revenge .” And some part of us feels like we’re not acknowledging what this person has done. They’re really just going to go off and get away with the way they treated me, with everything they did with the betrayals, and I just have to live well as the best revenge. That’s fairness?

Have you felt angry like this? Is there some part of you that feels like there is this terrible inequity in the way that you have had to part ways with someone in a relationship and it’s just not fair what happened to you? If you’re struggling to move on from this watch, this clip, I think you’re really going to enjoy it. This clip would normally be reserved only for my members. It’s a small piece of a much longer session, but I know it’s going to help you today if you resonate with this and stay till the end because I have something to tell you about.

Julia says, “How to forgive and let go after a painful breakup? After a rather ugly end to a 15-year relationship with two great kids I’m wondering how to let go of resentment and anger. Ultimately, I know I have to forgive to let go of those wishes of revenge and the ugly thoughts that come with the fact of being hurt, but in this stage, only to hear that the best thing would be to wish him well just provokes a knot in my belly. How to make small practical steps towards letting this go? How to stop confusing between forgiving, accepting what they did and being OK with what they did?” Thank you so much for this question, Julia. Look, I don’t think that it’s fair for anyone to suggest to you, especially it sounds like this person has really hurt you and done some things that have given you reason to be angry. I don’t think it’s fair for someone to take the position of telling you you should wish him the best.

Who knows? Maybe you’ll arrive there one day. I don’t think today has to be that day. I think today is a day where you have to say to yourself, my responsibility is not to him in wishing him the best. My responsibility is after all the hurt that I have been through to give myself the best. I had years with that person where I perhaps endured more pain than I should have. Where I suffered more than anyone should suffer in a relationship and in the pain of the exit from that relationship and all of the ugliness there, I have been through so much. I deserve some happiness. I deserve some peace. I deserve a rest. I deserve some fun.

What are the things that after all this, after all this pain, all of this ugliness, what are the things that you right now deserve to have? That becomes the reason, that becomes the motivation for not living in a place where you’re thinking about this person all the time. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be angry. Be angry. Feel angry. Feel what you feel. You don’t have to deny your anger. You don’t have to deny . . . One of the big problems we all have is that we’re not good at expressing our feelings about these things. We’re good at complaining about what someone did, but expressing the feeling of I feel so fing angry. I feel so hurt. I feel so betrayed. I feel so disappointed that what the relationship I thought I was in is not the relationship I had or the dream I had of where my life would be did not materialize.

I’m so fing disappointed by life in that way. I’m so disappointed by this person. I’m so deeply angry at this person for how they treated me or for what they made me feel. I’m so deeply hurt for myself that I had to go through that. There’s nothing wrong with expressing those things and the more we can just express not in terms of complaining about someone, “And you’ll never guess what he did after that, and then after all that he did this,” that is complaining about someone and keeping it alive. That’s an unproductive way to keep stoking these same vicious memories we have. If instead we just actually acknowledge our feelings, not what they did, but what do we feel as a result, and we do that in some doses where we use that to express and then to heal having expressed. Like crying, that feeling of crying, Pete Holmes said, “Crying is like throwing up. It doesn’t feel good when you do it, but afterwards you feel better.”

That’s what expressing feelings is like. We express so that we can feel better. So don’t deny yourself those feelings. What you say has almost the tenor of someone who is not . . . You’re almost angry and resentful because you’re being told not to feel your feelings. You’re being told to just keep going and wish him the best and keep moving forward, and that part of you that is mad and upset and disappointed and frustrated, feels so overlooked by that response to it, feels so invalidated by that response to it. “So he just gets to go off and be fing fine and I am supposed to just go, ‘OK, wish him the best. Keep going, keep moving forward.’ ” There’s a part of you inside that, of course, is going to deeply resent that, so allow yourself to feel it. And then in the moments where you’re not feeling that, allow space for a different feeling. And the other feeling is the one where you say, “I deserve, after everything I’ve been through, a good life.”

Whatever that means to me today, it may not mean the same things it meant to me 10 years ago. Maybe I was hanging on to that relationship because I was hanging onto an attraction I had or a fear that I would never be OK alone and now in my life what I value is peace. Now in my life what I value is stability. Now what I value is just my great friendships or my relationship with my kids and the way I’m watching them grow. Or the way that I’m experiencing new things in this period of my life and having adventures and doing the living that I didn’t do then. Somethnig else . . . you can value something else now.

And tell yourself, “I deserve to feel good. I deserve to have a good life, and I’m not going to have a good life if I give more airtime to someone who’s already had more than enough airtime in my life,” because at a certain point what we realize is I could spend my whole life rehashing what this person has done to me, and all it does is rob the good time I have. It allows the bad time to rob the good time. And you don’t owe him anything, but you do owe yourself the good time.

So that’s how we start to move on is we just say, I’m not giving this person the airtime in my mind. I’m not giving them the bandwidth because my future is about me. I am the star of the show and by continuing to think about this person all the time, I’m making them the star of my show and they’ve already had enough of my time. They don’t get any more.

Before you go today, there’s something I want to tell you about. So many of the questions that I have been asked over the last 15 years are about very practical dating issues. “What do I do in this situation with a person? How do I deal with this stage of early dating? What do I say when someone says or does this?” And you know if you’ve been following me for a long time, that I give very practical solutions to those things, but those practical solutions don’t work for a lot of people. Now, why is that? Because underpinning these behaviors that we have and these things that we’re doing that trip us up or sabotage us are much, much deeper belief systems wiring from childhood, from trauma, whether it’s regular trauma or whether it’s CPTSD, complex trauma, we all have these things that have happened in our life that we’re trying to heal from, that we’re trying to overcome.

Some of us don’t even know what it is that created that issue in the first place, but we just know that “‘m not confident. I don’t believe in myself. I don’t think I’m worthy. I keep going for bad people.” It’s like there’s something in our wiring that continuously sabotages us in this area of our life no matter how hard we try, and you may find that that wiring is tripping you up in other areas of your life too. I’m here to tell you that unless we fix that wiring, nothing is going to change. No amount of techniques or tools or resources are going to make the difference until we do the deeper healing on ourselves.

That is exactly the work that I do on the In-Person Retreat, and it’s coming up this October between the 9th and the 15th. It’s a six-day immersive coaching program that I devised 15 years ago now because I knew if I didn’t work on the deeper things that were affecting how people went about their lives and how confident they felt and how worthy they felt, they were never going to have successful love lives. They may have some initial success with their technique, but sooner or later they would always find themselves returning to their center, and if their center wasn’t aligned, if they weren’t feeling good in themselves, then their center was always going to sabotage them.

If you’ve been watching this channel for some time and you enjoy the content, but it’s become very apparent to you that there are some deeper things going on with you, internal barriers and conflicts that are holding you back, this is my invitation for you to come and do the deeper work with me. We are much more full than normal at this stage. We’re over 85% sold out, so this is my invitation to you. If you’re serious and you want one of the remaining seats, come over to MHRetreat.com and join us in October while there’s still the chance. And you and I will get to see each other in person, which will be a delight because maybe for years you have followed me here digitally and we’ve never had the chance to actually be together in the same room, so that would be a very special thing for me. We’ll see you soon. Thanks for watching.

The post How To Get Over Your Ex (When You Still Obsess Over Them) appeared first on Matthew Hussey.

Situations like this can take months—even years—to heal from, but there is a right and a wrong way to heal. This week’s video will give you a new approach that will show you how to rebuild step-by-step so you can feel confident in your ability to fall in love again.

Become The Most Powerful Version of Yourself in 6 Magical Days.
Learn  More About The Matthew Hussey Retreat . . .
TAP HERE

Matthew:

Have you this year or in the last couple of years, had your heart absolutely destroyed by someone? Someone that maybe you thought you’d be with forever, someone that maybe you gave every part of yourself to someone that you fought for, only to find that that person broke up with you and moved on to somebody else.

If this describes you, keep watching because I promise today’s video is gonna be an incredible pressure valve. But before I do that, don’t forget to like the video, subscribe to this channel, and hit the notification bell so that the next time I do one of these videos, you are the first to hear about it. Alright, let’s get into the video. I was told a story recently of a guy who was in a relationship for seven years and for at least the last three of those years, his partner had stopped being affectionate with him. Had, for all intents and purposes, begun to find him unattractive. She didn’t feel any attraction for him anymore. They had a all but sexless relationship. When he went to get close to her and kiss her or put his arm around her and just have those daily moments of affection that he craved, she would physically push him away because she didn’t want to. And she came to see him just as a friend. During this time when they would go to weddings together, she would say to him, I don’t think I’m ever gonna get married. You know, I just don’t think that that’s something I want. Eventually, she broke up with him, and a couple of years into the breakup, he saw pictures of her engaged to this new person that she had met. And in the pictures, there was affection and love. The way that she looked at her new fiance was the way that he had always hoped she would look at him and it crushed him.

And I wanted to make a video about this because it’s a particular kind of ego death when, well, A) we get broken up with and we go through the heartbreak of that, but B) when that heartbreak comes on the back of certain needs that we have that weren’t being met in the relationship, things we desperately wanted to be true, whether it’s to have affection, to have their attraction, to feel safe with them, to feel loved by them. When we don’t feel those things, and we may somewhere in our minds think that that’s to do with them, it’s their stuff. Maybe there’s something going on with them. They’re broken. They’re not that kind of person. But then we see that they are that kind of person with somebody else, that everything we wanted, that they could seemingly never give to us, they gave to someone else. And in his case, that was both the affection that he’d always wanted, but also the fact that she said she never wanted to be married.

And what became evident to him was that she was saying that at the weddings that they were going to, because it was a reflection of how she felt at that time in the relationship with him, not a reflection of what she ultimately would’ve wanted in her life. This is one of the hardest kinds of ego deaths because it feels so apparent to us that there’s no logical get-out. This person was this way with me, and now they are a completely different way with somebody else the way that I always wanted them to be. They are that, but just with another person, the logical conclusion that that leads us to is that there is something wrong with me. Plain and simple, not feeling like we’re enough and having very direct evidence in front of us that that is true. When we were in the relationship, we were living this life where daily our self-worth dial was fluctuating in response to how much attention, energy, love, and security this person gave us.

And we were always living at the mercy of that, which is why most of the time, because they weren’t giving it to us, we didn’t feel good. You may feel anxious constantly. You’re constantly suffering, you’re constantly unhappy, you’re never at peace. And maybe you can’t even say that to friends of yours or family of yours because it’s such a personal thing and it’s such a vulnerable thing to be feeling all the time. You want to say that you’re in a happy relationship. You don’t want to say that you’re living in a constant state of anxiety or not feeling good enough, but that is where you live emotionally. Sometimes we can live at that place emotionally for such a long time that we don’t even realize how bad we feel anymore. You know, our friends and family may later on notice, they may even say, I remember when you were in that relationship, you were so unhappy.

But we didn’t even know it was that obvious to everybody else at the time. We didn’t know that we were changing. But you can’t have your self-worth in question for that long without it starting to affect the way you come across in life. So this is a very, very painful place to be. And we spend our lives kind of, you know, if we are always trying to slay a dragon in life in terms of the hero’s journey, Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey, we’re always, you know, to become the hero we’re looking to slay a certain dragon. And the whole time we were in the relationship, we were trying to slay the external dragon of love, validation, trying to feel enough, trying to feel wanted, trying to feel like we are worthy because somebody else wants us. But that dragon ate us and spat us out and left us bleeding out on the floor.

And in that moment, it’s an opportunity to turn to a different dragon, to turn to the dragon inside of us, which is the real dragon that has to be slain. That internal dragon that makes us enough already that if we slay that dragon, this dragon over here, this external dragon would never be able to do this to us in this way. In fact, the internal dragon is much bigger and much more powerful than this external one that has hurt us so badly. But this one was able to hurt us so badly because we haven’t turned our attention to the internal one. And that’s why we have been so desperate for this person’s approval or validation in the first place. That’s why we put up with a relationship where our needs weren’t being met for so long, only to have someone break our hearts and meet someone else’s needs.

And of course, when we’re bleeding out on the floor, there are many people that come along that try to, uh, distract us from our pain. They try to divert our attention to other things that could bolster our ego. You know, get the revenge body. What’s that? Ego. Go out and have rebound relationships. What’s that? Ego. Do this to get them back, make them jealous. Ego. It’s all about taking this crushed ego and going here. We can put it on life support by you getting some attention elsewhere. But when we do that, we never get the benefit of an ego death. I know it sounds crazy, but an ego death is both the most painful thing, but also the greatest invitation for us to become a bigger version of ourselves. And if we distract ourselves, for example, by just hopping into the next relationship, and the next one and the next one, you see, people never slay that internal dragon. So they’re always a victim to every external dragon.

We often ignore that internal dragon, especially in the, either the good times in our life, cuz in the good times of our life, our ego is being stroked by all of these things that are going well for us or in the times of our life where we’re fighting for a relationship. It’s also a time where it’s very hard to do that internal work and slaying that internal dragon because we’re so focused on slaying the dragon on the outside. We wake, wake up every morning trying to get this person more attracted to us, trying to make them want us, trying to do a perfect acrobatic routine to make this person fall more in love with us or love us the way that they used to love us. And that’s all-consuming. That takes up all of our energy.

But when we are at the end of that journey and we have had our ego crushed in that moment of annihilation, that is an opportunity to build a different kind of relationship with ourselves. That’s a chance for us to show that we can get through something really difficult, that we have our backs in a really tough time. It’s a kind of invitation to a gentler kind of relationship with ourselves where we know we need compassion and grace and empathy. The relationship we build with ourselves when we get through those times is very pure. We become proud of ourselves because we, we think I’m doing something really hard right now. Forget whether I compare to this person or that person. You know what’s funny is a situation like this forces your hand to focus on getting worth from a different source because it, you can’t get it from this source anymore, right?

You, you feel like I lost, there’s no, there’s no, you know, dressing it up. I just feel like I lost. I just feel like I’m a loser right now. And I don’t mean a loser in the emotional sense, but I mean a loser in life. I lost something. So our worth doesn’t come from that thing anymore. And when we feel forced to get our worth from a different place, we start asking, well, what, what will my worth be based on here in this state? And our worth starts getting based on these quieter, subtler things like the fact that we got out of bed this morning, or the fact that we just spent an hour with a, a good friend and listened to that friend, or were loving to that friend, or how we show up with our family, perhaps the way that we throw ourselves into a project of passion, or even just the way that we are conducting ourselves through this time.

We can develop this sense of pride and esteem, self-esteem that is much, much more powerful than any external source of worth. You know, I always think a source of instant confidence. The con- people always talk about confidence is something that gets built, but there’s a, there’s an instant access to confidence if we just take a moment to appreciate what we have already done in our lives, what we have already been through, what we’ve already overcome, how we’ve had to be strong to survive in our lives. When we really connect to that, I always, when I do that for myself, I always think it almost dissolves whatever room I go into hoping that someone’s gonna like me or I’m gonna impress someone that is dissolved. When I think about all of the ways that I’ve already made myself proud by the way I’ve shown up in my life and what I’ve got through in my life.

Cause I think, God, that person has no idea what hard situations I’ve been through. They have no idea how many difficult things I’ve done in my life. I know, and I’m proud of me for having got through those things this person doesn’t. So why am I looking for their approval, my own approval is enough for me? And that becomes very attractive energy, right? Because when someone feels they need our approval, our validation or is in constant comparison mode between themselves and other people, we register that as unattractive energy. But when someone doesn’t need any of that from us, we register that as attractive energy. But that attractive energy can’t be faked. It’s a deeper kind of security. And that deeper kind of security actually can arise from the hardest times in our life and how we conducted ourselves through them and how we got through them.

So the great irony of you having an ego death, of a breakup, or being betrayed, cheated on, or just seeing someone who couldn’t give their best to you, give their best to somebody else. When you go through that, the thing that is the crushing force on your ego is actually the life force of the energy that is going to make you the most attractive version of yourself down the line. If you have suffered an ego death this year, and instead of being distracted to other sources of ego, you want to do the work that’s gonna make you that extraordinarily powerful version of yourself, a year from now, two years from now, five years from now, I wanna extend you an invitation to come and do it with me at my Retreat this year in October from the 9th to the 15th in Florida. This is an incredibly practical process once you know how to do it.

I know it may sound a little abstract as I’m talking about it in this video, but it’s really not. You can do this in a methodical way. There is a roadmap, and I’ve spent 15 years putting it together in the form of the Retreat. I hope that you’ll join me. I hope that you’ll ignore all of the wrong ways to heal and focus on the most beautiful ways of healing that give you that energy that makes you a very, very powerful person in this life. The details can all be found at MHRetreat.com. Go check it out and I’ll see you there. Thanks for watching.

The post What’s The RIGHT Way To Heal Your Broken Heart? appeared first on Matthew Hussey.

Get Real Results in Your Love Life This Year.
Reserve Your FREE Spot For My Live Virtual Event . . .
TAP HERE

The post 6 Ways to Heal Your Broken Heart appeared first on Matthew Hussey.

Perhaps you’ve heard of the “No Contact Rule” but don’t know exactly what it entails, or maybe it sounds a little too counterintuitive for how you feel right now, especially if you’re holding out hope that you could still get back together . . .

Well, I’m here to tell you that’s not the case, and in this week’s video, I distill the best I’ve learned about breakups and the No Contact Rule into everything you need to know on the topic.

P.S. Have a friend you think could benefit from today’s video? Be sure to share the link (and don’t forget to leave me a comment—I read them all!)

Heal Your Heart & Move On Strong From Your Breakup.
Tap Below to Watch Your FREE Training.
TAP HERE

The no contact rule after a breakup, let’s talk about it. In this video, I want to talk about what the no contact rule is, why it’s important, and what do you do if you’re doing no contact but the person who broke up with you reaches out to you during the no-contact period. Of any program I have ever created the idea of the no contact guiding principle after a breakup is probably the idea that elicits the most questions from people who have the program. There’s a particular program I created called Get Him Running Back To You, which Jameson and I still find to be a questionable name for the program. In fact, the program itself is one that I had to have a giant debate within my own mind and with my team about whether we were going to create in the first place because the idea of any kind of program that helps you win someone back just seemed icky.

The problem was of all the questions I get, a staggering number of them to do with how to get someone back after a breakup. What I realized was people are going to try and get someone back anyway. So if they’re going to do it, I want them to do it in the most healthy way. I want them to do it in a way that doesn’t do anything special to get someone back. In fact, I want it to be all about their growth so that even if that relationship doesn’t rekindle because, let’s face it, a lot of people break up for a reason, they can move on strong anyway. And I wanted everything in this program to be something that helped people move on strong no matter what happened with that person.

In this program I spoke of, I talk about a 21-day no contact period which is designed to be more of a principle in practice than a rule. What it’s really about is having 21 days of a true break from this person, which is a funny thing to say in a situation where someone has broken up with us, we would say you’ve been given your break. There’s a breakup. But we all know that in the wake of a breakup it’s rarely clean, it’s rarely black and white. Someone may still reach out to us, we may find ourselves reaching out to them. There are all manner of ways that we try and engage with each other. The 21-day no contact period is about detoxing from this situation for 21 days, giving 21 days of space. The hard thing about this idea of a no contact period after a breakup is that I’m well aware that if you are watching this from a place of crushing pain right now, it is the last thing you want to hear, and it is the last thing you want to do.

In the days and weeks after a breakup, we are a kind of, I would say we’re a living zombie but it’s worse than that. We’re this zombie that’s incapable of doing very much at all in our lives, we’re lucky if we can get out of bed, but is fully capable of feeling to the extreme. Now, why is the 21-day no contact period important? Well, firstly, so that we can get space so we can begin the healing process. It’s certainly not going to take 21 days, it’s likely to take significantly longer than that. But the space at least means that we aren’t consistently reactivating that wound every time we talk to someone. The second reason is so that we don’t do something impulsive that we’ll regret. In the immediate aftermath of a breakup, we are in a highly emotional, highly volatile state, and we’re liable to say and do things that we will later wish we hadn’t done.

Number three, when we do things like that, we might push someone away at the very time where deep down we would like them to be reconsidering the relationship. The more we lay all of our hurt, all of our panic, all of our anguish on somebody, all of our fears, the more likely we are to push them away not bring them closer. Number four, the no contact period leaves room for mystery. You may be having your own painful journey, but the space away from someone allows them to have to think about where you are, what you are doing, the manner in which you’re moving on. And when someone breaks up with you, they’re not entitled to know everything about what you’re feeling every day, about what your journey is. Your journey is no longer their journey, it’s a separate thing. And that mystery can actually be a good thing. 

Number five, it raises the stakes for the person who broke up with you. Now, what do I mean by this? A lot of the time in order to break up with a person, we, if we’re the person doing the breaking up, have to psych ourselves up for that moment. We may have some doubt, we may not be entirely sure whether it is the right decision. So what we have to do is get to a place of real certainty where we know, “Okay, this is the right thing. I need to do this, I need to do this, I need to do this,” and then we break up with someone. After a breakup has happened if the person we’ve broken up with stays in our lives, is calling us constantly, texting us constantly, answering our messages constantly, we’re not actually feeling the pain of that breakup. We’ve made the decision, but we don’t feel the stakes of having made that decision because there are no consequences right now to having made that decision.

And that actually starts to warp the effect of the breakup, or perhaps a more important word to use would be it dilutes the effect of the breakup. Someone in a sense gets to have it both ways. I’ve broken up with you, I’ve done this really difficult thing, but I don’t even feel the consequences of that, not the true consequences. And if I don’t feel the true consequences of that, then I’m not even getting a chance to evaluate truly whether this was the right thing or not because I haven’t really lost it. What we have to do if we’re on the receiving end of a breakup is go through this period of space of no contact so that the other person actually feels the magnitude of what they’ve done. They actually feel your absence, they actually understand viscerally that there is a person in my life I have lost. There is a relationship that is no longer there because of my decision.

When we because of our own fears, because of our own need to hang on and because thinking that hanging on is the best way to keep someone around, when we do this, we are removing the emotional fallout of the breakup from that person. And in doing so, we’re not actually giving them a clear picture of what their life is going to be like without us in it. It doesn’t hurt to send someone a message or a letter accepting their decision. In the Get Him Running Back To You program, I call this a goodbye letter. But the way I think about it today, it would be more apt to call it a I’m taking your decision seriously letter.

When you send this text, what you’re really saying to someone is I as you know don’t think this is the right thing. I care about you, I think that we’re awesome together. And I think that we would have an awesome future together. I’m prepared to work on the things that aren’t working right now, I’m prepared to do the things to make our relationship amazing. But for that, I need a teammate. And that means someone who’s willing to work on them with me, and you obviously are not because you’ve decided to end it. So while I think that this is the wrong thing, I have to respect that you’ve made this decision, and I intend to move on with my life, and I wish you the best.

If you think about it, in a breakup, one of the repellents is neediness, one of the repellents is desperation. And that’s a sad truth because that’s exactly what we feel in a breakup. We feel probably the neediest we’ve ever felt in our lives, we feel the most desperate we’ve ever felt in our lives. We’re like a junkie who just needs their fix. I can’t lose you, I’ll do anything to keep you. And it’s precisely that energy that has the potential to push someone away. I wish we lived in a world where saying to someone I’ll do anything, what can I do? I’ll do anything to keep you. I wish we lived in a world where that was an aphrodisiac, but it’s not. What it does is put an immense amount of emotional weight on someone at exactly the time where they have decided for whatever reason that they need to break up, break off.

So putting that amount of pressure on someone may have the effect of eliciting tremendous guilt. It may have the effect of eliciting an avalanche of sympathy. And that may even be something that makes them buckle and take you back for a moment. But it will only be for a moment, it will only be until their sympathy subsides and the original reasons they decided to do it reappear. Or it won’t make them buckle, it will just make them more resolute that they need to distance themselves from you because this is all too much. I can’t handle this emotional weight. So it pushes them away. Neediness and desperation are a repellent after a breakup. The opposite of those things, independence, strength, the knowledge that even though you are devastated you will be okay and you will find something or someone else, you will move on with your life. Those things are very compelling. 

And this kind of a message says to someone just in case you thought I was waiting around, that I’m going to now harbor a hope, just in case you thought I’m going to now put my life on hold until you’re ready, I am moving on. Not because I want to, that’s game playing. Not because I want to, I’ve been honest, I think this is the wrong thing, I think you and I are amazing together. I want to be with you, but my standard is that I’ll never be with someone who doesn’t feel the same way. I’ll never sit here waiting for someone who has decided that they don’t want to be the kind of teammate in my relationship with them as I want to be, so I’m moving on. It shows you take the decision seriously. And in doing so, you have raised the stakes. You have showed this person that there are now real consequences to what they’ve done.

What if they reach out to you during the no-contact period? We just mentioned that term standards. This is a time when you have to do the hardest thing in the world, which is maintaining your standards when it’s difficult to do so. The thing you want most in the world right now is to hear from the person that ended things because hearing from them feels like hope. So in that moment, there’s a snap to attention effect of they messaged me. And then we obsess, what do I text back, what should I say? And then we start investing. Not to mention, we’re just reopening that wound. If they text you some version of I’m so confused, I miss you, I keep thinking about you. If they message you any of these things, what’s about to happen is you’re going to get entangled in a dialogue.

Might last five messages, it might last an entire day. It might snowball into you two just texting each other constantly now over the next couple of weeks in the wake of this breakup all because in our emotional state, in this vulnerable position we’re in, we overvalue that little bit of communication they have given us. What we have to do is be much more discerning. We have to say what actually represents hope and what just represents weakness on their part. Think about it this way, the person that broke up with you shouldn’t be reaching out for any reason other than I’ve made a terrible mistake, and I want you back. And even then, there’s a whole other video we could make on what to do in that situation that may not involve immediately saying “okay.”

But if someone is sending you any less than I’ve made a mistake, can we talk, it’s a selfish text. Anything less than that text is just someone else’s way of soothing their pain. Breakups are hard for both parties. If you’re the one who broke up with someone, you’re still going to have doubts most likely. And even if you don’t have doubts, you may not have doubts but you may still miss them. You may still be in pain, you may still feel a sadness. And sometimes reaching out is driven by your own sadness of missing someone and sometimes the reaching out is driven by guilt. Neither one holds hope for you, neither one is a statement of intent, it’s just an expression of pain. And they’re making their pain your problem at a time when you’re going through the ultimate pain, the rejection of a breakup, the anguish of a breakup, the weight of this decision that was not your own, that you had no part in, that you now have to live with.

When someone is reaching out, it feels like hope. But 9 times out of 10, it is a selfish act. A selfish act that by the way should be a kind of turnoff. It should be something that repels you not something that you grab onto. And this by the way is where character is built. Character is not built in holding to a standard when it’s easy. It’s like being kind in life, it’s easy to be kind when it’s with someone you want something from. But character is being kind when someone can’t do something for you. Character is being kind when no one is watching, character is being kind when it’s difficult. Or it’s the same in a breakup. Character is built when we uphold our standard at a time when more than anything in the world we want to run to someone’s door and bang on it until they answer.

And the standard has to be that if this person is reaching out and giving you little bits of attention, essentially bread crumbing you post relationship, our standard has to be, “Hey, I appreciate you’re in a tough place, I appreciate you miss me. I appreciate that this is painful for you, but I need a break from you so that I can heal and move on. And these little messages are inappropriate given that you’ve made the decision for us not to be together.” What you are really saying to someone is, “Hey, look, this wasn’t my call, this was your call. You decided this, but you keep messaging me.” And if you keep messaging back, all you’re going to do is create a feeling of safety for that person that if the intention is but by messaging back we could rekindle something and it could go somewhere. The responding actually makes it less likely that that will happen because we’re creating safety for that person.

And safety makes people relax. Safety makes people stall and stay where it’s comfortable. Oh, this is comfortable right now, I know you’re still there, I know you’re in pain. And though I may not wish for you to be in pain, there is a safety in knowing that you’re there and in pain and I can reach out to you anytime I want. Because I know for as long as that’s true, you’re probably not going anywhere. And as long as I feel you’re not going anywhere, there’s no real motivation for me to decide anything. I’m just going to maintain a status quo right now. I’m not going to get back with you, I’m just going to keep doing this because you’re still there. I’m not saying that people think about this from some kind of, there’s no evil mastermind here trying to make all of these calculations, it’s unconscious.

There is an unconscious feeling of if I feel safe, I’m not moved to action in either direction. We cannot give that to someone during this time. You’ve made your decision, it is not my job to make you feel better about that decision. My job is to go and heal myself now, my job is to pick up on that forward momentum in my life. The exact kind of forward momentum that when you realize it’s happening for me might make you question whether you really do want to lose me after all. It’s also worth noting that while we may think that messaging someone back constantly or picking up the phone when they call will keep us top of mind for them. That may backfire because what it may allow them to do is actually heal themselves and get stronger all from a nice, soft launchpad.

There’s no steep healing curve for them, it’s just, oh, you’re still there, I’m going to move on and do all of the things that I need to do to build up my life and move on and meet other people and do all of those things. But you’re still there, so I’m still getting my fix from you. I’m still getting my safety from you while I’m building my life over here. Meanwhile, you’re maintaining your attachment to them while putting your life on hold in the hope that this contact is going to make them come back. It is a terrible bet to make.

This isn’t necessarily a literal no contact rule. I’ve already suggested reaching out a few days later to send that goodbye message or the I’m taking you seriously on this decision message. And I’m also saying that when this person does reach out, you can get back to them. So that’s not no contact. But what you are really doing there in your response is reinforcing that no contact is what has to happen right now, unless this person wants to come back with a different decision. But what we’re saying is you reached out to me, that’s not okay because you’re not reaching out with a different decision. You’re staying true to your decision, which is fine, great for you. But if you’re staying true to that decision, then I don’t want to hear from you. That’s beneath my standard. 

If I hear from you, it’s because something has changed. I don’t mean your feelings, I don’t mean something’s changed because you miss me a lot today. I don’t mean something’s changed because you are experiencing a lot of confusion this evening. I mean something has changed in your actual decision. If nothing has changed in your decision, then this is unfair and inappropriate for you to be reaching out to me right now. That’s what needs to be communicated. And that is the essence of the no contact period. What the no contact period is in essence is a time where you are maintaining the ultimate standard, the ultimate act of self-love in a time when every cell in your body is screaming to violate your standards because you want this person back more than anything in the world and you feel like you’ll do anything to make that happen. And that instinct is the dangerous one.

The no contact period is when the walls go up. And during that time, the only thing that gets through, the only thing that is worth your time as a conversation is a genuine expression of intent from your ex to make it work. I want to direct anyone who is going through this right now to a free guide I have called Move On Strong, it’s at MoveOnStrong.com. And it is a video that I did just for my members where I talked about how to heal in the wake of a breakup in a way that also serves the relationship if it is ever to come back together again.

I am huge on this message that nothing you do after a breakup that is intended to try and win someone back should be at odds with what you should do to move on from them if they never come back. In other words, the strategy for rekindling a relationship and the strategy for moving on with your life and being happy again without them are actually the same thing. Go to this video at MoveOnStrong.com, I’ll explain more about what this means. I’m sorry if you’re in pain right now, it’s the worst feeling ever, but we’re here together and the healing by the way starts now.

The post The “No Contact Rule” Explained appeared first on Matthew Hussey.

I’m often reluctant to talk about this as in many cases I think it’s better to show women how to move on and meet more amazing guys, whilst teaching them the essential steps to a relationship so they never have to go through this again.

But I’ve had so many women writing in about this that I felt I had to write this article. There are too many women missing out on being with the man of their dreams just because they hit a minor speed-bump with him.

When it comes to getting an ex back there really are only a few steps you have to take. Just make sure you follow everything in this article, and be sure to remain patient. If you seem desperate to get back with him, even for one second, there is every chance that you’re going to scare him away indefinitely.

So without further a do, here is the first step you need to take to get your ex boyfriend back…

1) Move On

What!? I thought you were going to show me how to get my ex back! Now you’re telling me to move on!

Yes, I’m telling you to move on – or at least appear to. Moving on demonstrates a strength of character; it tells him that you’re not going to let this affect you, and that you’re not sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. There are so many women who try to get a guy to fall for them out of pity, and I’m sorry to tell you this if you’ve been trying this, but it just doesn’t work. Even if you have every intention of getting back together with him, you have to show him that you’re not just sitting around waiting for him to change his mind.

2) Consider Why You Broke Up

Why aren’t you currently together? What went wrong? And how are you going to go about fixing this and making sure you can prevent it from happening again?

This is where you really get certain about wanting to be back together. If he was the one to end it then you can’t just go telling him you’re going to change; you have to demonstrate this to him. I can’t get specific with you and give you the personal attention you need right now through this article, but it’s important to take whatever steps necessary to go about preventing the cause of your break up from happening again.

3) Use The Chemistry You Already Have Together

Every couple has had chemistry together, (and if you didn’t why would you be trying to get him back!) and you can really use this to your advantage.

Once you’ve had chemistry with someone, it’s really hard to ever get rid of this, no matter what caused you to initially break up. That’s why you see so many couples repeatedly getting back together, only to break up again (they followed steps one and three, but not step two). You have to be that person that he initially fell for. And to do this you’re going to have to again demonstrate this.

I know a few of the things in this article are going to require that you actually spend time together (which can be very hard after a breakup). But try casually inviting him out to meet up with him and then you’ll be able to put these tips into practice.

So there you have it; my 3 steps to getting your ex back quickly. I wish you every success in getting him back, and once you do, be sure to let me know!

—

When it comes to getting your ex boyfriend back, the more hints and tips you have up your sleeve, the faster you’ll be with him.

Once you’re meeting up again, it’s crucial you know what to do to get him hooked…

This means using proven dating tips that work with almost all men and help to re-spark the attraction, to the point where he’ll be dying to call you. In my FREE newsletter I show you some of the most cutting edge tips for meeting, attracting and keeping your ideal guy. So sign up today, get instant access and you’ll be reading the first newsletter within minutes.

The post 3 Powerful Steps To Get Your Ex Back Quickly appeared first on Matthew Hussey.

Relationships are tough; we all know that. And today, as much as I’m going to be giving you advice, I’m really here to reassure you that you’re going to be okay getting over a bad break up.

The way you’re feeling right now, and the reasons you’re feeling like this are actually far more complex than most people will ever appreciate. And even with the best of intentions, aside from being handed a bucket of Ben & Jerry’s and a shovel of a spoon, it’s unlikely that you’re ever really getting the help and advice you really need from those around you.

We all know how easy it can be to romanticize the better parts of a past relationship, trying to convince yourself that it really wasn’t that bad. But I urge you to stay strong.

We had a comment on one of our articles on ‘Players‘ from Denise, who said, “Trust your intuition!” I really think that this advice is applicable in so many areas of dating and relationships, and keep that in the back of your mind until you’re well and truly over him.

For this article, there are 4 steps I really want to focus on for getting over a bad break up. And it all starts with a disappearing act…

Get Away From Everything

Just get away from everything for a few days. Disappear and give yourself a few days to get some space. You might choose to take one or two friends with you, but this really should be some alone time. The more people you have around you, the more the breakup will be brought up, the more explaining you’ll be expected to do and the more people will gossip.

Nothing is more valuable than how you feel, so just drop whatever’s stopping you, and give yourself that gift of a few days freedom.

Keeping Occupied

Once you’re back in the real world, it’s imperative to focus your attention on something productive. The last thing you want is to end up sitting in your living room, aimlessly flicking through thousands of TV channels looking for some inspiration.

A breakup gives you license to give yourself a blank slate and a fresh start. So what are those things you’ve been meaning to do for ages; those things that have been New Years resolutions for the last 5 years? Get out of your usual routine. Clear and organize your personal space so you’re left feeling refreshed and prepared for the new things to come.

Utilize Your Emotions

I really believe that every intense emotion we have is just energy. When most people are getting over a bad break up, they tend to turn to anger first, blaming the person they were with for everything that’s happened.

The last thing you want to do is bottle this energy up, but rather than projecting all it onto someone, I encourage you to write. Keep a journal, and dedicate 10 minutes a day to furiously writing everything that comes into your mind. Write for the entire 10 minutes, don’t stop to think, don’t go back and edit anything – all grammar, spelling and punctuation can be ignored and what you will soon find is there is this great release of pent up energy.

Getting Over A Bad Break Up Requires A Personal Plan

The last step you need to take to get over a bad break up is to create yourself a roadmap. This is the only way that you’re ever going to get your life back on track, the way you want it to be.

Whilst it might be hard to believe right now with the way you’re feeling, you have to keep reminding yourself that thousands of other women feel like this every day. Stay strong, keep those who love you and make you feel good close. And remember that there are always plenty of fish in the sea!

When it comes to getting over a bad break up, the more hints and tips you have at your disposal, the easier you’ll find it to move on and meet more men.

Now you know the basics of getting over a break up, it’s crucial you know what to do when you’re ready to start looking to meet new men…

This means using proven dating tips that work with almost all men and help to spark the attraction, to the point where he’ll be dying to call you. In my FREE newsletter I show you some of the most cutting edge tips for meeting, attracting and keeping your ideal guy. So sign up today, get instant access and you’ll be reading the first newsletter within minutes.

The post Getting Over A Bad Break Up & Not Letting It Affect You appeared first on Matthew Hussey.

Instantly prevent a breakup by ditching the neediness

Whilst exhibiting love for your partner is a requisite for a healthy relationship and by no means a negative thing, this should not be confused with neediness, which is a different beast altogether.

If you have ever experienced any of the following then you, along with many others, may have fallen victim to the neediness bug:

• Having all your own plans dictated by what your man feels like doing?
• Feeling unable to enjoy time away from your man?
• Feeling that you need constant emotional support?
• Getting all your validation from your man’s compliments or attention?

To prevent a breakup it is important that a healthy, balanced relationship is maintained, and If you fall prey to the neediness bug then you will never be fulfilled by your relationship, as the bug will never be satisfied. No matter how many compliments you receive, you will only ever take from the relationship. From a man or a woman’s perspective this is real issue that often leads to breaking up.

To prevent a breakup caused by neediness:

• Don’t let relationships overtake your life
• Don’t neglect your friends, hobbies or health
• Remember that a relationship can be an important component in your life, but never the only component.

Taking the Backseat in the relationship

Break ups are often caused by a unbalanced relationship, where both partners don’t see each other as equals. Has your relationship become one sided? Do you feel like you are constantly trying to meet your partner’s needs?

Or alternatively, are you bored because all he seems to do is try to please you?

If yes, then it is important to redress the balance. Restore balance to the relationship by making more ‘couple’ time to do things for each other. Alternatively if you feel you are always trying to please him then hold back on the affection and make it clear that until he makes time for your needs he won’t be getting your love.

Being a lazy no good partner

This can manifest itself in many negative ways within a relationship, including:

• Not caring about your appearance
• No more fun dates
• Taking each other for granted
• No more effort in your sex life
• No more “Just him and you time”
• Lack of affection – kissing / cuddling

Even just having a proper conversation can be jettisoned through laziness, where time spent with each other is dominated by the everyday motions such as kids, work and logistics. This replaces the themes of dreams, books, politics, the world, aspirations etc, that were part of the reason behind your initial attraction to one another.

To prevent a break up it is important that you don’t both become victims of inertia, just going through them options because you both feel secure that your partner isn’t going anywhere. This gradually takes its toll, as the variety and spice within a relationship can be lost. Ultimately this will lead to you or your partner associating the relationship / marriage with boredom, which can be the main reason behind cheating.

Want to prevent a breakup and spice up your relationship? Then you MUST check out the FREE newsletter…

The post How To Prevent A Breakup From Happening appeared first on Matthew Hussey.

Now I want you to throw all that away.

There are three essentials to moving forward:

3 principles

a. Keep feeling sexy/desirable

b. Create a mindset of abundance

c. Don’t stagnate – Keep moving forward

So how can you ensure these 3 criteria get satisfied?

1. Indulge in some self-pampering

So often we walk around after a bad break up and neglect to take care of ourselves.

As a result we spiral further and further and our self-esteem drops to an all-time low.

Instead, why not flip this around and take the opportunity to feel and look sexier than you ever have before? Indulge in some retail therapy, book yourself a massage and a facial. These things replenish you and will make you remember to treat instead of punish yourself.

2. Become a ‘YES’ woman

First of all, NO, I don’t mean you say yes to any man that comes your way! That’s the worst response you could make.

So let me explain what I mean by a “YES” woman.

It’s important after a break up that you don’t stagnate and stand still. When you stand still two things happen:

a. You get lost in your own head and over-think the whole relationship

b. You miss out on new opportunities because you don’t do new things

So to get in a different mindset, you have to shake up your routine and try new things. The easiest way to do this? Say YES more!

That’s it. When someone asks you to do something and you’re not sure if you fancy it: Say ‘YES’.

You won’t believe how much this fills up your social diary and leads you to places you would have never gone otherwise.

3. Incorporate 5 activities into the next month

When you do new activities you meet new people.

This is important; because so often when we’re upset we hang around the same few people who indulge our problems, which make it very difficult to get out of that emotional place.

When you meet new people who have no idea of your hang ups and issues, it will give you perspective and encourage you to focus your mind on more creative things.

4. Hit the gym

This isn’t meant to be a form of punishment! Hitting the gym will keep your self-esteem high and send your endorphin levels through the roof (the hormone that makes you feel charged and positive after exercise).

When we’re lethargic and sit around all day its very easy to feel stuck in the same emotional place.

The gym will keep you feeling sexy and dedicate time to yourself; its important you continue to grow after a relationship.

Give it an empowering meaning that spurs you on to do better, to reach the next level, to achieve bigger and better than you ever thought possible!

Are you ready to have the love life you want?  Then you MUST check out the newsletter…

The post 4 Creative Ways To Recover From A Bad Break Up appeared first on Matthew Hussey.