I really hate that. I really don’t feel seen and accepted. We just met once or twice and they (it happened repeatedly) are head over heels though this is way to soon. It is really annoying, I wished they could first look at my bad sides, see if they can handle them and then decide to move on – or not.

Is there a good way how to communicate that? Like, successfully?

I’m not sure you’ll get to see this at all, but I want to thank you so very much for this weeks video about the real you being too unlovable. It hit me so much emotionally I had to watch it twice in a row just to concrete it in my mind, as I connect with everything you said very strongly, and have been working so hard on being vulnerable in a healthier way recently. I actually feel though, I should admit that I felt very disheartened by your previous video – specifically regarding the part where you said how rushing in to something with someone / your feelings going from 0-200 etc isn’t a sign that you’re ready for a relationship, anymore than your being closed down / shut off from people and struggling to open yourself to others. I ended up feeling that I would therefore be someone likely cursed with never being ‘ready’ for a relationship. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder nearly ten years ago now, as part of my treatment I have been through an intensive group therapy process called a ‘therapeutic community’ (Oxfordshire Complex Needs Service) where I have learned a great deal of psycho-educational training and understanding. I’ve also worked as a consultant for NHS Oxford Health (TVI STARS) in using my lived experience to train professionals in mental health and personality disorder / self harm / challenging behaviour etc. One of the reasons I follow you so intensively is I can recognise that you also have a much deeper and more therapeutic understanding than most, as you refer to several techniques and phrases etc that I was taught during my treatment. Unfortunately with BPD I struggle hugely with black and white thinking, hypermentalising, catastrophising etc and then your previous video emphasised in my mind that I would never be ready because I do fall victim to both being very closed down from everyone, and when I do have a potential relationship situation my feelings quickly rush in to overwhelmingly strong and I also have all the fears you explain in this video, about my best never being good enough or as good as everyone else’s and my worst being far too much. Unfortunately my own sister once told me I am too much / too hard work and didn’t want a relationship together – so I have further fuel to add to those mental fires. I have been extremely closed since my last relationship which was violent and abusive and it broke me very much, this was back in 2012. However in the last year, two potential someone’s have come along because I’ve been trying to follow your advice, about adding those spokes to the wheel in how to meet more people. The first – Adam, who I met in september last year and we both rather had the lightning strike hit us both quite unexpectedly as we’d both been out of a relationship a long time, and I was very honest and vulnerable about myself – it became extremely intense with him and then after 6 months he unexpectedly fell off a personal cliff and suddenly disappeared in the ghosting me sense (never happened to me before – another of your videos was invaluable then to me regarding ghosting) and as this was my first delve in to relationships in almost a decade I was devastated, couldn’t understand and quickly shut down again. Then in April this year someone else came along in making a close friend who was also interested in more with me physically, despite already having a partner – it seems he’s one of these open relationship types which I’ve never encountered before. I have no idea if this is even a healthy situation for me to be in or not as I have only ever been the one and only type, completely monogamous. And feeling like I’m only ‘one of his many’, I find understanding what he really wants or feels or what I mean to him almost impossible and I’m struggling with trust and remaining open with him about my feelings. I’ve still tried once again to be all the things you describe in this video, accepting myself, my past and why I am triggered by certain things that take me back to my violent abusive partner and the things he did to me, not punishing myself etc, being vulnerable instead of a victim (the karpman drama triangle which I’m sure you know about) I’ll probably be watching your unlovable video several more times in the week too. I only wish I knew of a better way of telling if or how I’ll ever be considered ‘ready’ for a relationship when there is so much damage both from the past, and my struggles with my extremely overwhelming feelings which my diagnosis makes 100x harder still. I have wanted to come to your retreat for so many years, but I must admit I have always worried my diagnosis would mean that I wouldn’t be very suitable, or be ‘too much’ even for you and your retreats, if that makes sense. But I do hope I get to meet you one day, as you have been a life changing support for me throughout the years, and I wish I could tell you that in person so you could see just how much. Take care Matthew and thankyou for being there, and for who you are. Very much love from Rachel.