I literally fall into this category of the perpetual seeking of unavailable humans.
There is an element I’ve noticed in myself which perhaps was not commented on (perhaps because I doubt many would want to hear it)…

I recognized in my own behaviour that I almost think of myself as more capable than I ought. In the surface it is total empath behaviour, but when I consider how self indulged it is, it’s fuckery of seismic proportions:

If I love hard enough, get thin enough, have enough Botox, become successful enough, be witty enough, be compassionate and understanding enough, I’ll grab him for sure.
The problem with this cycle of belief is that I’m so involved in a relationship with who I want to be that I’m failing to see the relationship that he cannot give me. And so what started off as a relationship on the “him show“, fast became this ridiculous projection of what I thought he needed, and in turn I did this captivating colab on my own show… i had become so flipping entrenched in It that it was all about me.

Weird how selfishness breeds selfishness.

I remember saying “I feel so good that despite him cheating I feel amazing that I was able to love unconditionally…” this perhaps epitomizes the point.
In and of itself the notion is admirable, and a capacity to love regardless of heartache is commendable and worthy of love, but feeding the unhealthy toxicity with sneaky challenges I’d empower myself to overcome, meant I became fully entrenched in a relationship with myself.
Discovering that balance is something I’ve found decidedly difficult.

Blegh