I could use your help. What I am about to tell does not mean I am searching for pity. I am searching for some new inputs to reclaim hope and faith for life.

My story begins in school, where children from my class founded a hating club against me (age of 9). after this there has been mobbing at the age of 16. between 9-16 my parents got divorced, my sis had anorexia. My fahter sometimes physically rough on me and then didn’t want to spend time with me. I was the strong for my mom and the sandwich between my sis and my parents. i went to therapy and thought I have processed and healed these wounds. i started to build self confidence, being positive, healed my constant depressions, studied law, started to dance again etc.

Then in 2019 I got diagnosed with an operable brain tumor. So I said let’s do a trip to brazil, maybe it is my last one. So I did, that is where I met my now ex boyfriend. After the brain surgery I was even more positive and had a healthy attitude to life and on the other hand there was a feeling inside of me asking myself why I am still on this earth..I didn’t listened to that feeling ..

After breakup last September 2022, I started to wonder why my relationships don’t work. Basically apart from the last relationship I got cheated in all of my other 3 longterm relationships. So I thought oh there is a unique pattern, which is me. So I started to digg and digg and digg..now I am dealing with shame of self sabotage, guilt and more shame, because after all the unique pattern in my relationships was and is me, me with the anxiety of being rejected.

I am now over 20 years in therapy, affirmations on my mirror, meditation, daily cards which I write what I am gratefulnfor, tryout of medical pills etc.

Now with 36, I have a wonderful life with great friends, healed family relationships, a job that I love, financial stability, amazing hobbies…and still I have this huge anxiety of losing people, being rejected, this huge anxiety of ending up alone, which leads me to shame, guilt, self sabotage and ultimately not enjoying life and my time etc.

I am exhausted and asking myself what the heck I am doing wrong in my over and over healing process..I could use a little bit of advice.
I will be part of the virtual retreat in June and hope to get some inputs